All three of our other appliances?

The parts and effort were worth the investment.

It reminded me of my marriage.

Maybe of yours too?

Think about it.

Dating for a couple months, he/she cheats?

They’re an ass?

You throw them out and move on, they aren’t worth the time and effort to make the relationship work.




Those are investment pieces.

You take it apart and see if you can fix it.

Find the problem and look into repairing it.

Sometimes it works again.

Maybe when it’s all said and done you still have to throw it away.

And that’s okay.

Just remember my advice.

Upgrade ;-))

Do you research and don’t pick one with bigger problems than your old model.

But don’t be afraid of trying to fix it.

Be Brave my sweet friends.

Just my thoughts, over five years out, on this Sunday morning.

Ever wonder about what he’s doing?

How it all turned to lies?

Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone’s bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die

You’ve gotta get up and try, and try, and try


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Wow it’s been awhile…

i still write.

I just don’t push post.

I think maybe I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t need an audience for my thoughts.

It is nice though.

Knowing if I need friends and voices other than the ones still here in my head? You are all still here.

Waiting and reading.

Some of you old friends.

A few of you new.

A thousand views last week on this old blog.

Makes me wonder who stumbled across it.

What sadness and anger consumed them as they typed in a search word and up popped my words.

I remember my frenzied reading days of D-Day.

Five years ago last week? That was me…

Crying and desperate for help.

For anyone and anything that could help explain the pain.

This year it wasn’t mentioned, the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life.

Except in a brief text, from a young friend.

She remembers everything, she’s our families walking talking planner.

I didn’t respond.

I think because response meant peeking under my scar, rubbing it? Acknowledging it? Seeing if it was still there?

It was.

But it wasn’t as ugly as I remember.

I do remember.

Still every single day.

I still cringe when people mention people cheating.

Or when they make a joke about it.

Most the time I just awkwardly nod my head or smile, hoping they don’t notice my first reaction.

The brief moment I go back, and I’m there reliving it all.

Alice in the rabbit hole that is infidelity.

I don’t know if that will ever go away.

What does five years out look like?

My family is still here.

They are all older.

Lou turns eight.

My oldest is out of college.

My middle one back from Texas.

And the baby boy off to college.

We laugh.

We yell.

We cuss and fight.

We are happy.

And healthy.

And have almost found, the happiness that used to live here.

Thanks for still being here my sweet friends.




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Rose Garden

My knockout roses have died…

If you remember, I once talked about having dozens of them surrounding my house.

26 Knockout Roses to be exact.

Pink, Hot Pink, Coral, Yellow and regular, mini, and drift roses.

They got a disease and slowly started dying.

They had these nasty twisted stems.

They fell over and bent.

Even the blooms and the leaves changed.

My sweet friend went to the nursery in town and asked how to save them.

“Pull them up and burn them..” she was told.

And to not plant another rose bush in the hole for at least two years.


I went outside and finally started cutting them back.

At first I was heartbroken…I love my roses.

I thought about how much time I spent, digging holes, watering, weeding and fertilizing them.

Some of them were 8 years old.

They were my pride and joy.

As I stood there cutting them down, it hit me.

My roses are like my marriage.

It became diseased.



Finally I had to step back and decide to tear parts of it up.

His Job.

Several Friendships.

Life as we both knew it.

We cut back, tried keeping parts we thought were healthy, might just make it…but in the end, most were ‘burned’.

When we started over?

We didn’t look for the same things.

He’s no longer gone chasing money, and prestiage.

We have a whole new circle of friends. 

I have a job outside of our home.

We changed our communication within our marriage…I no longer bite my tongue, he listens even when I don’t physically talk, and we talk about the hard stuff.

My/our hope?

That someday when I decide to start over, replant the last pieces of our marriage. 

My full trust.

The last guarded pieces of my heart.

Loving him completely.

I think if done too quickly, the disease would have came back in other forms. 

Someday I’ll get my rose garden back.

I will appreciate them more then.

I will be aware that even the ‘disease resistant’ knockout rOses are vulnerable. 

Next time I’ll know the signs.

And at the first bent stem, diseases leaf?

I will take action to protect my garden. 

In the meantime, I’m looking at Butterfly bushes, maybe a few Lilacs, to fill the void left behind. 

It won’t be the same…but change my sweet friends can be healing. 

“I beg your pardon

I never promised you a rose garden

Along with the sunshine

There’s gotta be a little rain some time

When you take you gotta give so live and let live

Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa

I beg your pardon

I never promised you a rose garden

I could promise you things like big diamond rings

But you don’t find roses growin’ on stalks of clover

So you better think it over

Well if sweet-talkin’ you could make it come true

I would give you the world right now on a silver platter

But what would it matter

So smile for a while and let’s be jolly

Love shouldn’t be so melancholy

Come along and share the good times while we can”

-Lynn Anderson-

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I’m Moving On

Saw the whore’s car the other day…

The one I’d daydreamed about shitting on.

If we’re being honest? I once upon a time in Alaska had to use ALL my self control, as an adult and mother of four, not to jump out of my husbands car as we drove by her trailer and run…cackling wildly…drop drawer…and shit on top of her car.

“The Jewel” was what she referred to it as.

Don’t glare at me and roll your eyes, I can’t make this shit up.

I referred to it as the Whore Mobile…the if it’s rocking? Don’t bother knocking, she’s already found her next “victim” it’s too late.

I’m joking.

She sold it after she was fired from her job.

Ahh, Karma, almost as sweet as my covering her “Jewel” with my own cosmic karma pile.

Back to my story…

I was walking out of the grocery store with my youngest son and Lou, when there it sat.

Front row.

A black Acadia, just like her old car.

My eyes saw it, but my heart didn’t feel it.

Stay with me…


Not a twinge from what was once a huge trigger.

I acknowledged it with an eye roll, laughed with my son, and moved on.


For four long years, I have dealt with crippling triggers.

Slowly they are fading.

Some I don’t notice anymore, I’ve become immune to them.

The bigger ones still sting.

This one was a visual trigger, that used to knock the air out of me. I guess my subconscious always thought a door would open and I’d see a humongous thigh come lurching out…followed by the rest of her.


Yes, but a very real trigger.

I’m just happy I’m healing.

And even kind of glad I didn’t give into my impulse that cold day in Valdez.

She wasn’t worth one more  moment of my time then.

She certainly isn’t worth it now.

I might still have scars.

But I’m healing.

I’m moving on.

How crazy is that?

“I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they’re always the same

They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it

They’ll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone

There comes a time in everyone’s life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on”

-Rascal Flatts-

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I saw this and I loved it.

One of the hardest parts of all this was coming to terms with how awful people can be.

It made me paranoid.

It made me clam up, and close up the best part of myself. 

It made me sad.

People can be truly terrible. 

And it almost destroyed the open part of me.

The one who tries to always see the best in people.

Who makes excuses for them.

Who loves them until I can’t love them anymore.

I like to love.

To laugh.

And to ramble…

On and on about things I’m passionate about.

My family.

My kids.

My friends.

I am glad I fought for me.

The parts which make me a nice person and me.

The part that still picks wild flowers on the side of the road.

Who smiles and talks to strangers when standing in the check out lane.

I’ve built a bigger kitchen table instead of walls.

My heart is still bigger than it should be to be safe. 

Life, my sweet friends, is to short to live it safe.

And who wants to give terrible people power over our feelings and selves? 

“We don’t deal with outsiders very well

They say newcomers have a certain smell

Yeah, I trust issues, not to mention

They say they can smell your intentions

You’re lovin’ on the freakshow sitting next to you

You’ll have some weird people sitting next to you

You’ll think “how did I get here, sitting next to you?”

But after all I’ve said, please don’t forget

(Watch it, watch it)
(Watch it)

All my friends are heathens, take it slow

Wait for them to ask you who you know

Please don’t make any sudden moves

You don’t know the half of the abuse”

-Twenty One Pilots-

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Let it Go


I ❤️️ this…

I think maybe because I’m always reminding myself “Better or Bitter? Kelly what’s it going to be?”

Love or Hate?

Forgivness or Anger?

Kindness or Vengeance?

Life is hard, so very Very VERY HARD my sweet friends.

But we can still be soft.

And find all the laughter and goodness in this world we live in.

We don’t ever forget the pain or life lessons we were given during the bad times.

But we don’t have to let them decide our futures.

We decide who and how we are going to be in the future.

I’m still going to be vulnerable, because keeping your guard up 24/7 is exhausting.

I’m still going to be kind to strangers and believe in the innate kindness of people.

I still might get angry.

I still might be sad.

sometimes maybe a little bit crazy.

But I will on most days be better not bitter.

I hope you are too…

“I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me”

-James Bay-

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Sunday Morning


Just leaving this here for my friends walking down the same road I traveled….

Someday it will be better.

You will heal.

You won’t hurt every minute of every day.

You will move on.

And you will be okay, some days even great.

Don’t give up.



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