“Testing…Testing… One, Two, Three…is anyone out there?” Deep Breathe Kelly this isn’t rocket science and Lord knows it ain’t the hardest thing you’ve ever done. So here we go my sweet friends, grab my hand tight, I don’t know where we are going to land, All together now..One, Two, THREE JUMP!!!!”
I feel better now so lets begin this journey. I’m surrounded by my friends and while there might be some in the shadows reading this…following me for an entirely different purpose, I am not afraid. Your power over me and my thoughts is over, and while I still struggle to find my Happiness again, I have found MY voice. So you over there…yeah YOU in the shadows with your hate and your lies, keep on moving Honey “ain’t nobody got time for you”.
I have struggled with the decision to write this, to pull back the curtains and let the world into my home, my family, my marriage. I made the choice a year ago when word was starting to spread through our small town. I found out that one of my husbands “friends” knew of the affair and was happily telling people.
See there was no love lost between the two of us and he thought I was a “thinks she’s better than everyone, snobby bitch who thought she could judge his actions” and he couldn’t wait till I found out and was taken down a notch or two. He watched with joy as he waited for my family and my world to shatter. I found this out two days after I received the letter (oh you…You hateful letter you will be a post soon).
So here I sat heartbroken, bewildered and lost, wondering how this had happened, where my life was going and more importantly “What to do for my kids?” I was given the thoughtful advice by “the whore’s” mother (that too sweet friends is a story for another day) to lie to my kids…”my husband cheated on me too and I never told “my girls”, your kids don’t need to know…” After some internal debate I decided I would tell my children for a couple different reasons…
Rumors travel fast in a small town and I could either set them straight or hide from them… And I did NOT want to raise my kids like that “mother” had, I didn’t want my kids to turn out like hers. I’d be damned if I was gonna do anything she suggested was “right”, I instead was going to do things my way.
So I told all the important people in my life and most of the conversations started like this…”First of all I am okay…now promise me you will not cry or feel sorry for me, because I don’t want your tears or pity, I just wanted you to hear it from me…” and I would repeat the unreal “Lifetime Movie” story my life had become.
My children were told and their reactions, their heartbreak and journey is not for me to tell.
Did I do the right thing? Should I have pretended like it was lies and hid? I have second guessed myself this last year and I have struggled with the fact that I, Kelly…boring non-drama filled Kelly, was the subject of gossip.
I knew as I walked into games and school functions people were talking, whispering, looking. I found myself dreading the basketball games, which had at one point been a sweet joy in my life. I struggled to be normal and show the world “I was strong, unbroken and still Kelly”. I would sit at the games and concentrate on squaring my shoulders and holding my head up high. I would make sure I met people’s eyes and smiled “look at me, I’m fine”.
My husband went to them with me towards the end but the first month I made the long journey to my seat in the “snob section” by myself. When he was finally home, finally beside me I had a rule…”Don’t you dare touch me. You don’t get to hold my hand or put your arm around me, people are watching and they don’t get anything else to talk about”.
I am glad today of the choice I made because by throwing back the curtains I LET LIGHT IN…and in every scary movie I have ever watched evil is scared of the light.
Light will kill a vampire, gremlins and creepy crawlers.
Darkness is where lies breed, whores whisper and love dies, and I knew I couldn’t live there and more important to me MY KIDS wouldn’t grow up there.
Here we are a year later and I have thrown open the windows too, and aired the house out…FYI whore is a hard smell to get out of carpets 🙂 My kids are healing and healthy. My husband is home and working local at a job he loves and trying to be the man who I always believed he was.
And I am still here fighting…fighting every single stinking day to find the happiness that used to live here.
So please join me my friends on this journey that so many of you started with me. Without many of you propping me up, dragging me kicking and screaming down this road I would not be here typing, blogging, starting a new chapter of my life.
“Stacy’s Mom has got it goin’ on,
She’s all I want,
And I’ve waited for so long”
-Fountains Of Wayne-