Here I sit with my cup of coffee scrolling through Facebook like I do most mornings with a story (voices screaming) in my head. So one last time and then I promise a dozen funny Laney stories before anymore sad. Today is hard and my thoughts are scattered so first I want to say a heartfelt “Thank You”. Thank you my Facebook friends who have listened to my rants, my sadness and my children’s laughter. Thank you for giving me a voice again, for giving me hugs and encouragement in your comments, and for making me feel strong even when I was weak. The fact that you are taking precious time out of your day to listen to me and my “story” has always amazed me, and made me think “wow they really like me” so….here I sit with a cup of coffee and you my friends and I am sad, and yet I feel defiant and slightly kick ass. I was given a choice last year…an easy road which meant remaking my family, moving on without a man I had always loved and changing ME. There are days that path…that road…looks like heaven and I know all I have to stinking do is take the first step and the pain I have been carrying, the giant burden of embarrassment and shame will be lifted and I WILL BE FREE!!! I wish I could say I was always strong and had never taken a step onto that path, and when I did it felt easy and yet a line from a poem would play over and OVER in my head. I finally googled it (what did we do before google?) so I could read the whole poem and see WHY it wouldn’t get out of my head….
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting on the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, ” Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter-bitter, “he answered;
“But I like it
“Because it is bitter
“And because it is my heart.”
After I read it I realized it was popping in my head during the times I had given up, and given in and embraced my anger. Anger is a dangerous emotion, a little is good for you sometimes you can use it to motivate, and for drive. A lot can consume you and you won’t even notice because it feels good and right. In letting my anger take over (justified?? Hell yes!!) I was changing. My heart was growing bitter and I was beginning to like the taste…let’s be honest I craved the taste of it. Because as I stood on the path of easy…stood there angry and bitter I felt strong and in control, everyone else be damned. But I realized I really didn’t like bitter Kelly. She wasn’t a very nice person, she didn’t laugh, and she said ugly things. So I took the hard road, and it has been HARD. I had to learn to cry instead of pushing the pain down, letting it fester, and come out in hate. I had to learn to let go and trust God. I spent many a night on my knees praying over and over “Please God help me” and he did I am still here, with MY family intact, and my heart is in my chest where it belongs. My good days are outnumbering the bad and I have started my slow journey down the long road to being healed. I hold my head up defiantly to those who thought they could break me, that I would hand over my family and scurry away. And today exactly one year later I am still living MY life the same way, believing “right is right and wrong is wrong…you always choose right no matter how hard” You did not break me…ahh what the Hell…bite me you BITCH I won