Shot through the heart

I thought I was going insane.

Truth is..I was probably already a little insane, come on we all are, and only the sane among us will admit it…so I was sanely going more insane. Now as we are all sitting here going insane trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about I can continue.

I talked to animals…insane. I hear voices in my head…insane. I laugh at things no one else finds funny…insane. I used to (the blog of truth..still do if I catch a rerun) dance, head banging, in frantic circles to the theme song of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”….insane.

I was fine with being crazy Kelly, she was fun and FUNNY (Miguel is saying in my head “whoa..whoa..whoa don’t get carried away. You weren’t that funny). But now, instead of dancing, laughing my way through life.. I was scared. This insane wasn’t getting a single giggle.. it was leaving me crying on the floor in the dark.

I could hear a song playing on the radio and suddenly my chest would tighten up, and I would start crying, tears streaming down my face.

The voices in my head became the words of “the whore” and her bat shit crazy “mom” (yes her story is coming too). The animals I loved and talked to now screamed at me “He used you…You were just his farm hand…Laney is going to play with us along side “the whore’s” daughters…you are pathetic” I would go into the barns to do chores and leave with tears streaming down my face..furious.

I would see a picture of my daughter and want to smash it…stomp on it and destroy it.

Sitting among my children with their laughter ringing in my ears made me want to scream “Shut Up..shut up…shut up” and I would sadly, quietly leave the room.

My oldest son, my sunshine, my heart became an unbearable visitor in my life, instead of counting down the days till he came home, I counted down the days till he left. There were days,

I would take Laney to my husbands parents because I could not stand to be around her. My Daughter, my beautiful, funny, wanted for so long daughter, was making me physically feel ill to look at.

I started googling mental hospitals because I knew I was finally needing serious help, they had broken me and I was done fighting.

Finally as I sat at the computer, I stumbled across a blog “Rescuing my Marriage” and found out I wasn’t “lock me up mental institution” going crazy…I was suffering from “triggers”.

The “emails” she had lovingly given me, which I read and reread until they were etched in my mind, had left me with some serious unfunny issues.

The times I had answered the phone and talked to her, listening to her whiny, nasally voice had left echos in my head which played on a continuous sound track..”I loved watching your Kids grow up” “I just love your house, I’ve seen pictures of EVERY ROOM” “I sent Laney those tutu’s he brought her home and you had her picture taken in” ” I loved hearing stories about Laney and seeing her pictures” ” did he ever call you June?” “we loved cooking together, it was “our” thing” “he talked about moving here and he was going to build a barn on my family “homestead” and keep cattle” “I loved your son’s senior pictures he looks so much like his dad” ” he told me you were just his nanny there, who he paid to take care of the kids and the farm” ” he said you were a sad, angry person who hated her life and him” …

Did I have triggers, let’s just say that’s a understatement. I had major triggers and not a single safety was on.

They were being set off by seeing my kids, pictures and music. If I so much as heard the name of the town  I wanted to run from the room screaming. I was out of control and going downhill fast…and more important to me…my kids were suffering. I wasn’t physically hurting them but I had lost the ability to be “their mom”, and I had been a kick ass mom too.

I was the mom who would tell Laney’s stories with her as the starring character…”Laney was sooo grumpy, the good fairy came down and you know what she did?” “What’s she do?” “she used her magic wand to turn Laney into a scary Dragon and told her “now fly away you scary Laney dragon and go find something happy to eat..” “what’d it eat?” “The Scary Dragon ate your brother, burped and felt all better…” Laney would giggle at the thought of eating her “brother” and want to know “den what?”

I was the mom who would drop everything, run to town and get the school supplies needed for a project and then get so wrapped up in the project, I would run all over town, obsessing to make sure it was the best, and Lord knows it needed glitter, felt and maybe some bells.

I WAS THE MOM who moved my oldest son to college, cleaned his apartment, stocked his kitchen and organized it giving him a snack drawer, made sure his living room had “art” and candles so it felt like home, spent the night, came home with him and spent the weekend obsessively cooking and baking so he’d have his “favorites” to take back…and when he left for college on Sunday, I hugged him told him “Love you.. be careful” with a smile watching as he pulled out the driveway and then I sat at my kitchen table bawling because “my whole world” had just left.

I WAS THE MOM WHO TAUGHT MY MIDDLE SON TO DRIVE…YELLED/COACHED MY YOUNGEST SON FROM THE STANDS…I HAD MOVIE NIGHTS WITH ALL “MY KIDS” MAKING CHEESE DIP AND POPCORN…i was that mom…and then in an instant… I was gone…and in my place was a sad, crying woman who was going insane…

The blogger, My savior, told the story of her triggers and let me know I wasn’t crazy (well not lock you up in the hospital crazy) and I could with a LOT of work and self awareness overcome them.

It was one of the hardest fought battles I went through, and I failed a LOT, but it got better when my husband came home. He was able to talk me through them and sort through a lot of “the whores” lies for me. “Her family homestead?? Her mom and her just moved into a new trailer park” (when we were there for court he drove me by at my instance so I could see first hand her “family farm” ) “I had a wall covered at work with pictures..” (yes some he had shared with her but a lot were there in his office on display..he took a picture and showed me) “I have our sons’ senior pictures up and shared them with everyone” “the Johnny and June was her idea,” he admitted embarrassed, ” she was obsessed with the country song about them” and slowly but surely the triggers weren’t as painful and consuming.

He sadly watched as I moved “the pictures” of my children from the mantle in our living room to a less “in your face” spot. He stopped playing country music in the car and painfully listens to “new rock”. One day as we were working on remodeling our basement with our oldest son, my son’s iPod started playing “Ring of Fire” and he ran to turn it off. The tutus were burned, and he took over my chores in the barn…

Today? I can look at my children, ALL MY CHILDREN, and see them without “the whore’s” shadow blocking their light. I listen to their wonderful, beautiful laughter and it lifts me up, brightening my day.

I still hate Disney princesses with a passion, she refered to Laney as “the princess” in her emails, and has a strange obsession with Disney World (I think in her warped mind she thinks she’s a princess…a whore with a crown…good thing “we don’t judge”)…but I bought Laney a Cinderella tea set for her upcoming Birthday and plan on having a “Little Mermaid” Movie Party for her.

Please don’t make fried  peanut butter and banana sandwiches around me (“the whore” loved them) the smell still physically gags me.

But last week I did my chores in the barn with no tears and a song on my lips…and today as I write this I am taking breaks to play  Play-doh with Lou, and telling her stories about “Flying Pigs that Poop”…her and her flying pig flew through her brother’s window and pooped in his room, he was so mad!!! and you know what he screamed?” “He’s screamed Waney get out of my woom!!” Laney answered giggling.

We just might have another story teller on our hands…

“Would you be content to see me crying
After all those little games you put me through
After all I’ve done for you you’re lying
Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the truth

Didn’t somebody somewhere say
You’re gonna take a fall
I gave you everything
Now here’s the curtain call

Shot through the heart as I lay there alone
In the dark through the heart
It’s all part of this game that we call love

Now you’ve come back here to say you’re sorry
But I don’t know who you’re talking to
It could be the man I used to be, girl
But I’ve grown up and now I’m over you

Standing there just a live wire
With nowhere left to turn
You were gonna set the world on fire
When will you ever learn?

-Bon Jovi-

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3 Responses to Shot through the heart

  1. Stephanie says:

    While doing my exercise on the treadmill I decided to see if there was a new blog post. I read it and yes I am a slow reader, but the first 12 minutes of the treadmill was so fast! Then I needed to really run out frustration for you. I turned my favorite running song on and it was “Don’t Stop Believing”. ( Yes I love the 80’s) I ran hard for you! The next song was “Stay” from soundtrack Dirty Dancing. I kinda chuckle as I know you have a warped sense of humor! I scroll and scroll thru the next few songs to find another I want to exercise too. Then I come across “Stay” by Sugarland (that one will be immediately deleted) as I remember one of my friends saying Sugarland’s voice is nasally. Now that song will always remind me of “the whore”! So point is I will now have to add a workout playlist for if I read your blog while exercising! All joking aside, I am happy you are healing!

    • rkabceden says:

      You are making me giggle at you having soundtracks for reading my blog 🙂 I LOVE “Don’t Stop Believing” and will only listen to it turned all the way up, waving my pretend lighter, screaming the lyrics …as for Sugerland I used to yell at them as they sang that awful song “hey you whore get your own man or better yet call the wife so she can!!!” Please delete the song I am almost positive ‘the whore” has it playing on her iPod

  2. Thank you for mentioning my blog. So glad it helped you. I will gladly add your blog to my blog roll also 🙂

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