I had a conversation the other day with a “young friend” about my blog, and her sister’s concern of me someday wishing I had kept this all private.
“Everyone will know..” was her worry for me. My friend informed her “Everyone already knows.” I have thought of this conversation often, and the truth is not “everyone” knows. There are people in our lives who don’t know, and they still view us as the same happy family we were once upon a time.
I saw a family the other day at a sale walk by, laughing, teasing each other and I wondered “Do they know how lucky they are?” I wanted to stop them and tell them…”you guys are happy, I can see it in the way you look at each other and laugh…Please don’t take it for granted..” I knew they would look at me like I was crazy and I would ruin it..the moment for them…so I just watched as they walked on.. oblivious to just how lucky they are.
I like being around people who don’t know, and yet I chose to tell my secret, to air my “dirty laundry in public”. I don’t regret it because I feel like I’m a liar around them. I know there is a difference between shattering their image of my family and lying but it still bugs me.
I guess I have always been a, here I am faults and all kind of girl, take a good look at them…still like me?…Okay we can be friends. Don’t like me? I completely understand, sometimes I don’t like me. It took awhile for my husband’s family to like me.. I think because I am a “say anything”, “what it’s the truth”, “ohhh… that was a secret”, loud, talkative, shares too much, no apologies kind of girl. My love for my children and my cinnamon rolls won them over, and now they just shake their head when I share or talk too much “It’s just Kelly”.
I have one grandmother left and I have often wondered “does she know?” and am torn between hoping she does, because this means she knows and doen’t treat me different… and praying she doesn’t because it would break my heart for her to have shed a single tear for me.
I look at my other Grandmother’s picture on my dresser in my bedroom and wonder what she would say? Would she tell me to walk away, and not be able to understand how I can still love my husband? Would she be proud of me fighting for my family, and think I was strong?
My words were guarded this weekend as I talked around my oldest son’s roommate. He is a college friend, not high school, he only knows our family from visits to our home this fall, and is unaware of the affair. He went with us and picked pecans, laughing and teasing, as a family…he doesn’t see my husband and think “lying cheating bastard” and he doesn’t look at me with pity. He just see’s his friends mom who is crazy and funny…talks too much and makes the best meatloaf…but always hugs him like she does his roommate when they leave.
I questioned my affection for him today…was I crazy about him because he’s a great kid? He is a GREAT KID…if Laney was 16 years older I would have found her the perfect husband…but is part of what I feel because he sees just me and not the affair? I feel phony and yet it’s nice to be “that family” again…if only in a young mans eyes.
Have I been fair to my children? Should I have not have shared my story, making it public where classmates can read it too? I cried the other night, telling my husband I talked about my “triggers” today on the blog…and I was scared someday the boys or Laney might read it and not understand. “What if they think I “hated” them and they don’t understand I couldn’t help it…I always loved them, it just hurt to be around them.” I know they know a lot, they lived it.. but should they have to relive it…ever?
My hope by writing this is if they ever read my words…my story…they see that I tried. I fought with every ounce of strength I had to come back to them. I hope they see me as strong, and are proud of their mom. I hope I made the right choice. I can honestly say I don’t know… I know how to raise boys (fart jokes, plenty of food, and love), how to clip a pig (t guard on the face, 3/4 on body, blend the shoulders, and don’t shave the legs), and how to bake a cream pie (there is a family in Oklahoma who taught me about no weep meringue, and stir until at a hard boil). I have never had to recover from an affair, to struggle with if to tell my children or not, or had lessons in how to put my life back together. Am I doing it right?
I pray often that I am…that I help more than I hurt…and someday by the Grace of God my family is whole.
“In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally”