I’m sick today, just a stupid head cold but sick, I don’t feel good.
I mentioned it to my husband when he made his “morning check up call.” He does it everyday he’s not home, and acts like it’s just to say “good morning” he thinks I don’t what he’s doing.
The lows I talk about on here, the darkness…the abyss I fell into, he saw it first hand. He was here with me every single day for 8 long months, not working… just babysitting me and raising our daughter. If asked to this day he would smile at you and say “I needed some time off, needed to find something closer to home.” He lies…to protect me…he lies…He stayed home, everyday afraid how he would find me if he just went to the store and left me home. Would he come home to me on the couch, watching T.V. or sitting on the kitchen floor in tears over finding his watch…the watch I gave him for an anniversary during the affair…Would I be asleep if he came home after going early in the morning to feed or crying in the shower unable to breath.
He spent 6 weeks on the road working after the affair came out and struggled to go back after coming home for a week and seeing the damage done. He knew he couldn’t fix his family from so far away and by the time he came home I had lost 10 pounds and wasn’t able to function. I would lose days at a time caught up in my sadness, and was slowly fading away….just an angry ghost of my former self.
He could have taken another job and went back on the road in January but he knew our marriage wouldn’t survive, because I wasn’t in a good place. Good place? That is calling a tornado outbreak a spring shower…. I was a zombie walking around, having a good day maybe once a week…going out in public pretending to be normal took everything out of me, and as soon as I arrived back home I would go into the bedroom and shut the door to cry or sleep. I would often wake up in the middle of the night, crying and he would know a “really” bad day was coming. He would bring me breakfast in bed, take me on trips to the zoo or park with our daughter…desperately trying to keep my demons at bay…to quiet the voices in my head.
No matter what he did it usually ended with me…screaming my anger, my rage at him for what he had turned me into…the pain that I lived with…endured, was unbearable. He got angry too…furious that I wouldn’t let him help me…in my pain I would push him away. I would scream..throwing things, trying to drive him away…to drive away the monster who had willingly and of his own free will broken me.
I am better today, and can function and laugh again…not everyday but more often than not. My worry today hasn’t been about me, but him. The demons he has battled to come back to me, to be the man I fell in love with 20 years ago, win some days…
I wake up now and find him tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep…he is sad some days and refuses to let me in, scared I think that I’m not strong enough to help, or maybe it’s because he doesn’t think he deserves the help. He punishes himself more than I ever could…the sorrow he carries, the demons in his head are sometimes too much.
I have as Eminem sings ” made friends with the monster that’s under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head…” (Little fun fact? I love Eminem, he is crazy and embraces it…but until last year I thought his stage name was M&M, like the candy…my boys took back any cool points I had earned by listening to him)
I had a full-time job this last year, and the only project I worked on? Healing….I was allowed to have bad days, and given free access to anything that could make me heal faster, anything which could make me Kelly again, instead of the angry, bitter person who had taken up residence in my body. I haven’t come fully out on the other side yet, but there is a light in the distance…far Far FAR in the distance but I can see it.
I stand on my path surrounded by friends, family, and other’s with a common bond…as I stand here, I am not alone in my journey through the dark, I can feel your love and listen to your cheers…it is easier to walk when you aren’t alone, when you don’t have to worry about stumbling because there are so many hands to catch you.
My fear is, I have left my husband out there in the dark alone. He put me on this path, yes…his actions, his selfish, horrible, destructive actions put me here in the dark..but at the crossroads, when he could have left, taking an easy way out…staying in with “the whore”, avoiding his family, the eyes of the small town we live in, he choose to come home and take the hard road with me.
There is a crowd of people here with me now, and he still holds my hand guiding me on my bad days…but on the good days I find him gone…alone he walks behind me, with his demons screaming in his head…I worry now as I heal, he struggles to keep up…He is waiting for my full forgiveness, something I wish with all my heart I could give him…I have tried and failed…I know until I can forgive him, he won’t be able to forgive himself.
I know he fights with the monsters, and the voices unable to make peace. I worry, and I am sad.He came home early yesterday with a bag full of “presents” for me as I sat sick on the couch…not diamonds and flowers…but peanut butter M&M’s and Vitamin water, “to make you feel better” he said, as he sat down on the couch and started rubbing my back, “can I get you anything else?’
He deserves to heal…to find peace..my forgiveness…but more important to forgive himself.
“I’m friends with the monster
That’s under my bed
(Get along with)
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I’m crazy
Yeah, you think I’m crazy
Well, that’s nothing”