She’s Got Issues

A tough one today.

Not sad or dark tough but “Guess what I did tough”.

Funny thing about writing a blog and calling it “the truth”, you can’t just write the parts you want the world to see, you got to write it all. I have told about “the whore”, and her bat shit crazy mom…it’s the story of me surviving my husband’s affair, so Lord knows I’ve told his dark stuff, so….My turn.

You all know the grief , my pain and all the crazy I became. It’s sad crazy, you feel sorry for me, and want to cheer when I walked out, but what about the just crazy?

“Like breaking his stuff Kelly?”…yeah sure I broke his stuff, he SO deserved it, he broke my heart.

Now I could leave it there and no one would blame me, but if I’m going to tell the truth and if I really think I’m helping some person out there by telling my story, I have to tell all the shit, even mine.

However it is “My story” and since I’m the one taking time out of my day to keep you all entertained while you wait for work to be over

Don’t  pretend you are working today…everyone is googling recipes and looking at Facebook waiting till the days over and your vacations start..

How do I know? My blog stat’s went sky-high yesterday while you all surfed the internet…It’s the “Blog of Truth” remember? It’s kind of like Santa Claus and it sees you “when you’ve been bad or good”…busted

I’m going to take the long way around and make sure you understand why I did, what I did.

Yes I am rambling and wasting time…Fine…back to my “crazy”.

I went a “little” crazy, okay a LOT, for a couple of weeks there.

In my defense I was sitting here alone dealing with it, while my husband was working with “the whore”.

First thing she did when he got back after coming home to try to salvage his family? Left him a present in his office,a old cookbook, cuz he likes to cook.

She had told me in her last email to me, after she figured out I was done listening to her, that she would ” leave us alone and let us work on our marriage”.

Super sweet of her considering he wouldn’t talk to her, had told her he was done, and hadn’t contacted her since the day I found out.

I know it pissed her off, him coming home, as she told a friend at lunch “not for the kids..but for Kelly” ( how do I know what she says at lunch with a friend? I even have my sources up north)

So she lied, I know big surprise, but he’s back at work working with “the whore”, and here I sat a million miles away, while she played her games…

Ex Husband’s wedding ring back on…check…

talking in the break room about laying in bed, eating sugar cookies with her husband and getting crumbs everywhere.

First of all he’s your Ex, remember you left him for my husband, and second of all if you made a decent sugar cookies they wouldn’t get crumbs all over…

My Sugar Cookies are so moist, they don’t drop crumbs, but “the whore” can’t bake either..check..

presents in my husbands office…check..

stomping around the office in her heels so he’d know she was going by and she was “pissed”… check.

He is sharing this all with me, because one of my new “rules” he had to tell me everything, but maybe some of that he should have kept to himself.

What I was hearing was “I’m thinking about her”.

I got mad, and a little crazy, and those two don’t mix well with me.

I have good genes…random I know but stay with me…

I have good genes, didn’t do anything to earn them, didn’t work on them, I was born with them.

When I say I’m smart, I’m not bragging I was born this way…Not brilliant,

I can’t do algebra to save my life…seriously if a bomb defusing pamphlet has algebra problems on it and I have to solve them to save the entire world? We are all screwed…doesn’t make sense putting letters with numbers. I can do addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, but I can’t wrap my head around algebra, and just in case my High School Algebra Teacher is reading this

“Guess What? I was right, I have never used it since I left your classroom…Still love you, but it was a waste of time”

She was slightly mean, slightly crazy but I loved that lady, she felt pity for me and the fact I couldn’t wrap my head around algebra, and yes when it comes to algebra I will take pity.

I am smart though and one area I excel at?

Coming up with pranks, or being ornery, as they called me when I was little.

My oldest son takes after me…Sunday night he washed the dishes and my cookie cutters were in the sink, as I came in later for a piece of pie he was finishing up and showed me how he had fixed them My cutters are always bent from being crammed in my kitchen drawer with utensils…so my Apple looked like a Banana, my Bear like a Dog and ect..) He holds up my Apple now perfect, followed by my Bear, and I smiled and thanked him.

It was sweet and thoughtful and so like my oldest OCD son to do, he hates my chaos…but then he held up my Dolphin and it was now a Penis and Balls…perfect outline…and my mouth dropped open and I sat there in shock.

Yes it was followed by a head shake, yell and laughter.

I have 3 teenage sons it’s not the first time (on an Easter Egg it was drawn last year, and one year on the dirt on the back of my car, not found until I left the Mall) or probably the last for me.

Point is we come up with stunts like that all the time.

Do I wish he would use that part of his brain, and the time he spends coming up with his antics on something else?

Yes, he could be a brilliant rocket scientist, instead he is great at pranks.

Bad thing about this “gift”? It can be used for hurting people too.

Did I mention I was feeling a little crazy and mad earlier?

Well after hearing about “the whore” and her ongoing games and my husband noticing, I got mad…furious.

We ended up fighting about her and how her mother had bragged about “men lining up to date her” cause she is such a sweet, little knockout.

I have mentioned her mom is bat shit crazy…Right?

Not my husbands words ringing in my ears but her crazy mom’s but I didn’t care, I was a tad bit crazy at the time.

“You think guys are lining up to date her?” I yelled at him on the phone (he had never said this)

“Do you know why they don’t line up to date me? Because I’m married and I’m not a whore and I don’t cheat!!!”

Was I being crazy…yes, and I think I was allowed a little crazy.

We ended up fighting and I told him “I was done, moving on, and we would see how he liked it!!!”

I was beyond mad and I wanted some payback, but how to make him know how it feels to see me moving on?

I struggled with that question.

I could date some random guys, I knew it wouldn’t be hard for me to get a date.

Genes also made me cute and gave me a weird thing which makes the women in my family age slowly, my self-confidence was in the shitter but I still knew my assets.

People kept saying to me and family members when they found out “But she’s so cute…” when they found out my husband cheated. Guess if I was ugly they could understand ?

So I could go troll a bar with Laney on my hip, and pick up some random guy to prove a point to my husband and get payback…yeah I just couldn’t do it. too much work, I haven’t dated in 20 years, and had never went to bars either soo0…

The light bulb in my head went off, the same one which went off the other night in my son’s head when he saw the mashed dolphin cookie cutter, and I knew how to “date” without having to date.

Match.com.

I made an account, and added a picture and a short bio (don’t like games or cheaters I think was my “line”)

Then I thought about it, I went back and added a bikini picture on the beach (which my husband took on our last vacation)

Then to make sure he understood fully what I wanted him to, I put down his personal email address for notifications.

What are notifications?

Every time a guy liked my profile, my picture, clicked on my profile, sent me a “wink” (creepy? yes) or an email it went to my husbands email account.

I sat back and waited for him to reap the benefits of my modern-day dating.

He woke up the next morning to the notifications, and deactivated my account.

I went on and reactivated the account.

He went on and changed the email address to my personal one, I went on and changed it back to his.

Finally he called me and asked me to stop, after another day or two I did.

I feel bad, I do.

Some poor guy out there was searching for love and he wrote me an email, reaching out and I was just playing a game to hurt my husband.

I don’t feel bad for making my husband, in some tiny way, feel a little of the jealousy and hurt that I did.

Wish I could say I felt bad about that part, really I do.

I also wish I could blame it on my genes, but I can’t.

I made a choice and I gave into the crazy.

“I’m seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind
Well she’s got baggage and it’s all the emotional kind
She talks about closure and that validation bit
I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit

Oh man she’s got issues
And I’m gonna pay
She thinks she’s the victim”
-Offspring-

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6 Responses to She’s Got Issues

  1. KML says:

    I do recall a certain someone who was also on Match.com looking for love! I wonder how long it took “the whore” to find her loving, doting, back-in-love, snuggle in bed with crumbs husband on a site looking for ladies in her same little small home town!

    Thanks for the daily dose of Kelly smiles.

    • rkabceden says:

      I am sitting at my kitchen counter, covered in the Pioneer Woman’s “Real Pumpkin Puree” laughing like a loon…glad everyone else is over “working cows” or they might think I’ve finally lost it…that one was really priceless…I wish nothing but the best for those two…I would be shocked if her “happily ever after” isn’t waiting on her….Now kiss that baby for me

      • Jennifer Hill says:

        Match.com, that’s priceless! I love it! I’m dying laughing at work. I’m going to be the next one being started down while reading your wonderful blog.

      • rkabceden says:

        Everybody keeps laughing at my “Big” admission of being bad…I feel like Chunk from Goonies…crying, revealing my secrets, and you all are laughing, eating ice cream…I’m glad I’m not making people run from the blog, throwing up at the thought of my crazy days…:-)

  2. Amy Morris says:

    Okay, as I read your daily dose of blogging I’ll admit that I think “Man, I’ve got some song titles she can use.” And today’s was no different. Except it wasn’t so much about the “crazy” it was about the pranks from a million years ago…1/2″ socket wrenches, toss shoulder sits, anatomically correct snow “people”, broken recliners/toilet bowls/Christmas trees on street corners for “Big Trash Pick-Up Day”…and the soundtrack playing in the background consisted of Ace of Base, En Vogue, Janet Jackson, and other “Women are just as strong as men & we’re smarter too” divas. Sometime in the very near future, we’ll do a little bit of “reliving”…we’ll get Dr. Pepper Slushies, a box of Runts for you (Sugar Babies for me), we’ll crank the music loud, cruise the back roads & let the coyotes know just what we think! And if they hear us all the way up there in Alaska, so be it. 🙂

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