Yesterday was my daughter’s Birthday, and it was a bittersweet day.
Last year it was so difficult, I went insane…the kind of insane from anger and sadness, which takes you into a madness which sometimes there is no coming back from. It was a very scary day, I had realized in my slowly putting a timeline together, my daughter hadn’t ever celebrated a Birthday without her dad having an affair. It broke my heart and it totally pissed me off.
My Lou had been wanted so stinking much…three teenage boys and finally a girl…she was my husband’s idea. I had been content with having 3 sons, as I often told people who would ask if we were going to try for a girl…”I was made to be the mother of boys”…and I was. I was the mom who could catch a bug, frog, or snake…then find them a jar to keep it in. Mud didn’t bug me, and neither did fart jokes…little boys were easy, and funny. I had found girls to fill up the hole in my heart, the daughters of family and friends…I would dress them up, teach them to bake, and curl their hair…I was okay with being Aunt Kelly, “Ms. Kelly”, or sometimes just Kelly to the girls in my life, I didn’t need to be their mom.
I had given up on my dream of a daughter when I found out my youngest son was a boy. I had a brief pity party, with a crying fit…”I will never buy a prom dress, a wedding dress or hold my daughters hand. I will never paint a room pink, or play with dolls” I cried and moaned to my husband on the way home from my ultrasound, then I made my peace and moved on as “The mother of boys”.
My husband fell in love though…with my best (in the whole entire world, to the end…Amen) friend’s daughter. She was the sweetest baby, and absolutely beautiful…she was a baby who made your arms ache when you saw her, with the want…the need…to hold her. The first time my husband sat in our kitchen with her in his arms, I watched him look down at her, then up at me, and I knew he was a goner. Whenever he was home we would go by and get her, take her to lunch with us and to do errands in town, any excuse he could find to have her with us…finally he stopped hinting, joking around and asked me for “just one more”.
My three boys had been stair steps..all two years apart…and life had finally gotten easy. A baby would bring chaos into our already chaotic and crazy home, but I loved kids, and I loved my husband. We put it to a family vote, and Dellaney Renee was brought into our lives.
She had jet black hair(made for bows),sweet round cheeks,and it was love at first sight (if I’m being honest it was love at first kick, first flutter, as soon as I knew she existed). Her birthday last year was spent watching her mom scream and cry into the phone, when my husband called to talk to her I told him “Call your whore’s daughters!! Go buy them toys, and wish them a Happy Birthday…We Don’t Need YOU!!” I screamed at him, unable to set aside my anger and my grief at what he had done to my family, my kids…to me.
Finally I drug myself into the shower and got Laney ready…No presents had been bought, no cake ordered, no party planned, so we headed to Wal-Mart. I pushed my cart and Laney to the back of the store, put her down in the toy aisle and told her “Pick out what you want” and watched her wander up and down the aisles.
“The whore’s” voice screamed in my head “Laney was just a fix it baby your husband had to try to “fix” your marriage” and I stood there teary eyed as she picked up random toys looking at them, then setting them back, and moving on to the next aisle. Finally she picked up a doll and announced “Dis one!” as she handed it to me. She happily sang “Happy Birthday to me” at the checkout, while I paid for her unwrapped, no thought put into it, birthday present.
It was a day of sadness for a little girl who deserved so much more. We baked some cupcakes and had a small family party for her…the evening ended with a call allowed from her dad. Not my proudest moment, and it was a day I have regretted since.
She loved that doll though and would take a bath with her every night, having adventures, brushing her hair, and would talk nonstop about her “dinosaur princess doll”. Laney had never seen the Little Mermaid and didn’t know who Ariel was, but became obsessed with her, loving all mermaid shows, and toys. This fall I saw the Little Mermaid had been released again.
I am a firm believer God talks to us all if we stop and listen, and he gives us second chances to make right our wrongs. Laney had a day full of gifts wrapped in pink yesterday, one from each of us. 5 gifts spread out through the day, all Little Mermaid and princess themed…the house was decorated in pink, with streamers and balloons everywhere…it was full of family, friends and laughter. Her dad got to spend her birthday with her…the first ever, and watched her blow out her candles in person…I got a second chance to make up for my actions the year before…And Lou? She got her “Dinosaur Princess themed, Happily Ever After Party surrounded by her Whole Family.
Even her Momma wore a tiara.
“There’s two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank god for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
“Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it’s my first ride.”
“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried.”
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning And butterfly kisses at night.”