It’s the end of the world as we know it

My husband has been sick the last week and it’s made his blood pressure go up.

He was diagnosed with afib almost two years ago and so we keep an eye on it. He was admitted to the hospital when it first was discovered and he was alone up north. After getting released “the whore” made her way back into his life. I had offered to hop on a plane and fly up to take care of him, but he wouldn’t let me.

It was my oldest son’s senior year and Laney was still just a toddler so he made me stay home. It’s hard being torn between taking care of your kids and your husband, and I can’t say I’ve always been the best about being equal. My kids are my world, and I won’t apologize for it…ever. We started fighting soon after he was released, he was looking at other jobs and didn’t think I was being supportive.

Was I being supportive? NO, I didn’t want to move. I moved twenty years ago to a strange place, with no friends and no family. Have I mentioned on here, I don’t make friends very quick? I spent my first 6 years here, friendless and lonely, as a stay-at-home mom. I had moved for him before, and we had spent the previous 18 months, fighting and at times hating each other. I told him once during a fight about moving

“I was head over hills in love with you when I moved before, I’m not anymore, and I won’t follow you blindly to a new place.”

Nice? No, but he was making demands on me, and I still knew in my heart something wasn’t right, for two years it sat there in our marriage…the affair, I knew and yet I didn’t, it nearly drove me insane. I’m the type of person who can’t just accept it when I don’t know something, it’s great because I am the “goggle queen” and know all kinds of random facts, because my mind never sits still, and I’m always asking questions. The downside is when you know something is going on and you can’t figure it out, if you’re like me it will drive you crazy.

I knew and yet I didn’t …I loved my husband and yet I didn’t like the man he was sometimes…I was torn. So he was sick, scared and we were fighting, in comes “the whore” to save the day. I got to have the fact that I didn’t fly up and take care of him thrown in my face by both “the whore” and her mom (my niece says I use bat shit crazy on here too much) They both told me several times how “the whore” had taken care of him…got him healthy again…and my not flying up there just proved to them both that I was a horrible wife, and he deserved someone better like “the whore”.

Now she didn’t  need an excuse to cheat with someones husband, the whole time before this she didn’t care if I was a good wife, good mom, or even good person, she just wanted my marriage. This however, made her feel justified in her actions of trying to take my husband.

Funny fact about her? She only had her little girls every other week, wasn’t a full-time mom, wasn’t a full-time wife, didn’t run a farm, coach a basketball team, or have any responsibilities except every other week. She lived with her mom, ran the bars, and slept with married men, and just random men she picked up in bars.

Yet here she sat with her supportive mom and judged me…kind of, sort of, totally pissed me off. You walk in my muck boots, my tennis shoes, my stinking shoes for one day, and if you can keep up? Then judge away, Hell I’d even pat you on the back and give you an  “Atta Whore” for doing such a good job.

Don’t ever see it happening, really I don’t, she wasn’t made for physical labor, or for making her life revolve around anyone but her. I was a good wife, and a good mom…I wasn’t perfect but my family was what my world revolved around, not getting drunk, running the bars, or looking for a man to save me.

I have often wondered this last year if part of my husband’s attraction to ” the whore” was “the damsel in distress” role she liked to play. Her ex husband was mean to her she claimed, she was drugged and raped in a bar (later she changed her story, ends up it was a one night stand and she got caught being a whore), she was a single mom just looking for a man to be a “good dad” to her little princesses, she was scared to live by herself, She Needed Someone To Save Her…

My husband had lived with a woman who for 20 years constantly told him “I can do it” …My sin? Being too strong, too independent, and too tough. and pride was my other sin. I was proud of not needing a man to save me.

One night a couple of summers ago, I heard a noise outside…dogs were barking and it wasn’t at something in the field…it was by the house. I didn’t pick up my phone and call my father-in-law, I didn’t dial 911, I picked up a baseball bat, grabbed a flashlight and went outside to confront it.

Was my heart pounding? Hell Yes, I was scared, but this is my house, my kids, and I’d save my own damn self…from a stray cat. Yes it was just a cat…but it could have been an ax murder…or a zombie (I’m still waiting, for a zombie apocalypse..my secret fantasy of the world ending, and we can legally beat the SHIT out of people after they “accidentally” get bit. Yes it will be a long walk but I get to visit some friends and use “the whore” as my own personal pinata? I will pack some extra shoes and snacks for the journey) Point is I’m not a woman who needs saving, at least I wasn’t…and I was proud of it.

So I have been making sure he doesn’t drink, and is eating healthy. Lots of fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, and dairy…cutting back on the protein and low sodium…no caffeine.

Entertaining side note? When “the whore” got him healthy, and took care of him? She put him on a low carb and cabbage soup diet….Worst thing for someone with his condition. I think though I have mentioned before…she’s not a smart whore.

He’s home now, and I’m taking care of him, not because I’m trying to win him, or show him how great of a wife I can be. I’m doing it because it’s just who I am. I am a mom and a wife and somehow by the grace of God I’m getting a second chance to be better than I was. He wasn’t the only one who made mistakes in our marriage, and I believe no matter how minor my sins might be? They are still sins, and I’m going to do better.

I still want to be a strong woman though…just in case of a zombie apocalypse, I want to be able to save myself.

“That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, and Lenny Bruce is not afraid

Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs
Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength
The ladder starts to clatter with a fear of height, down, height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
And a government for hire and a combat site
Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the Furies breathing down your neck

Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low plane, fine, then
Uh-oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine”

-R.E.M.-

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s