Wanted Dead or Alive

I started writing this blog a month ago because I finally felt like I could.

I had tried in March and failed miserably, but after coming clean on Facebook about my struggles, I decided to try one more time. I was once told by a “friend” that I wasn’t far enough along in my healing to help others, and I wasn’t close enough to God to know what his plan was for me.

Maybe she was right? At the time I was a mess but I was trying to find some reason, some hope to cling to. Am I now far enough along and close enough to God? I don’t know, but I know somehow I’ve touched people, and gotten so many private messages, and texts from people who are telling me I’m helping.

It feels good to know my struggles haven’t been in vain, to know my words can comfort and teach. I have also gotten a kick out of knowing I can still make people laugh, and when people hear songs now they think of me. I have gotten so many song ideas from people and trust me they go on my list for future posts. I have had people share their stories of slowing down and enjoying their families, of appreciating their husbands, and just stopping on good days and taking the love in.
People are coming forward with their own stories of depression, struggles with infidelity, and heartbreak of families broken.

What has touched me the most? When young adults have sent me a message telling how I have helped them in their struggle of forgiving a parent who had an affair and broke up their family…how they are letting go of the bitterness, and hate and finally moving on to heal. I never wanted this and there has been so many days I prayed to God ” to please…please…Please, take my pain, I can not go on” and struggled because I felt he didn’t hear me, but I know in my heart now he had a plan for me.

I will never say “My husband’s affair is the best thing that ever happened to me” (there is a book by this name…I have read it and it’s good but I wouldn’t agree with the title) but I will say it has made me into a better person. It has made me appreciate every little piece of happiness which comes my way. It’s made me proud of the kids I’ve raised, it has made me closer to God, it has given me back the man I fell in love with at 19, and lost somewhere along the way to the demons he fought.

I wouldn’t go back to my normal life, as much as I loved it. If a magic fairy appeared offering to change my life back? I would tell her

“No thank you, Ms. Fairy, I’m not done with my journey yet, and I’m too curious to see where it ends to abandon it now.”

I know the blog is helping me. No crying for hours in the middle of the night since I started writing, I’m laughing more, remembering how to be silly, and I’m nicer to my husband (not as many little remarks about “the whore” to him, I save them for you all). I am healing and I kind of feel a little like a bad ass in my journey now, like a gunslinger taking out my demons one blog post/gunfight at a time, and like Billy the Kid “I will finish the game”. Thank you all for being with me, and letting me know you are listening.

My struggle is not over, but my faith in God and my belief in the ultimate goodness of people is bringing back the light into my life.

“It’s all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we’re wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I’d drive all night just to get back home

I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you’re alone all you do is think”

-Bon Jovi-

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