Smile

I was gonna spruce up my blog…my sister is right, it’s ugly.

There was a picture I wanted to use, one of my house with the sun setting behind it, my husband took it during his visit home after the affair was discovered. He sent it because he was trying to make me see there was still beauty out there, that our home, our family could still be something beautiful. He had it made into a canvas print for me, and gave it to me last Christmas. He broke my “don’t you ever buy me anything again” rule I made last year.

He gave “the whore” gifts, and me gifts…so I decided I never, ever wanted another gift from him again. Crazy? Yes, but I don’t believe in the meaning behind his gifts anymore. Did he give them to me during the two years of the affair because he loved me, or because he felt guilty. “The whore” longed for gifts, and equaled gifts with love. I’ve never cared if I received a gift or not. I’d rather have something like a dinner made or a hole dug, weird yes, but actions always spoke to me more than things. And knowing his actions made me want to break all the things he had ever bought me. I didn’t break them, I’m not bat shit crazy, I’m way too pratical. It hurts to see them and to use them.

I’m wandering from my story now of the picture. I wanted to use the stupid picture of my home, and I couldn’t find it on my Facebook, and I was going back through the pictures, I knew better but I kept looking. I hate looking at pictures from the past couple years, I can’t do it without seeing the shadow of the affair. Look my oldest son’s graduation…”the whore” was upset my husband hadn’t invited her. Laney’s first stinking birthday…her dad had started the affair a little over a month before. A picture of him at a show texting…was he texting her? My middle son’s homecoming attendant pictures…was he with her as I sat in the stands alone cheering? My children playing in the ocean…I know I was running down the beach alone taking pictures was he hiding to call her? All the pictures I took of what I thought was my happy family…they are all lies, EVERY SINGLE PICTURE.

They make me cry…they make me angry…and they make me question my life as I knew it. The happiness that used to live here? It was based on lies…I hate him still sometimes, and it hurts to hate him. He will never know the full extent of the issues he gave me. Days like today make me wish he had left me when he met “the whore” so I could live without the pain brought on by his lies…and he could live with the pain of being with “the whore” and knowing he traded me for that.

Today is a bad day, brought on by memories of good days, there is a bitter irony if you think about it. I can look at pictures from this last year…no problem. I was so sad, and my family broken, but I look at them and think “Thank goodness we survived, and we are all here still a family”. Pictures from the two previous years make me want to rip them, push the delete button, scream and drop kick my computer across the room. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at them without bitterness in my heart?

All of Laney’s firsts and my sons special days wrapped together with images of “the whore” and my husband’s lies. Did I mention I knew better than to look through the pictures? I always think “I’m strong enough now” and I always end up crying and then mad that they made me cry.

I just want to be able to look at pictures of my kids. And what is really pissing me off? I’m sure she doesn’t have any issues looking at her kids, at pictures from that time, at the presents he bought her. I know my husband doesn’t look at pictures of our children and think of anything but “Wow she was so little” or “I miss him”, and he wore presents I gave him during the affair.

So why do I get stuck with the issues? Why am I the one who gets to cry? Why is life so stinking unfair? All I want is…I don’t know his groin to hurt every time I shed a tear…like he just got kicked in the balls by a calf…Make that a full-grown 2000 pound extra-large bull. And I want…her skin to fall off…in painful chunks of bleeding, oozing peices…every time I blow my nose from bawling my head off. Is that asking too much? I just want them to feel a little of the pain I do.

Pity party done, big girl panties back on…but I am going to go look at the picture of her in her Can Can outfit with her huge thigh showing.

Petty? Yes, but I get to have at least one picture from the past two years that makes me smile too…

“Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile”
-Nat King Cole-

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