Today is my husband’s birthday.
I wish I could leave the post with just the one sentence…maybe a smiley face and be done. I can’t though it’s been a tough week. Kind of funny, haha frigging Ha, last week I felt like a gunslinger this week I’m struggling. I think it’s because of his birthday, and my birthday. I have issues with them coming around now, and the struggle to be good…aka not blow up and kill him, is taking its toll.
Then add in Christmas and we are facing a total meltdown. They used to take me by surprise, the meltdowns, they would be on me and I wasn’t prepared so they got bad. Now he can feel them coming too, and watching him try to prevent it yesterday was heartbreaking.
“Put up the Christmas tree,” he insisted, “the boys are home and they can get it all down for you..”
I agreed to it, I knew it was a bad idea and yet I agreed. Last year I put it up with the kids while he was still up north , my oldest and I broke a 20 year tradition and bought a fake tree. My husband had always loved a real one, the smell, the picking it out, and maybe just the fact that it was a real tree. Last year broken-hearted and maybe just a little bitter, me and my oldest went and put up the fake one. Did I see the irony in the fact we now had a fake tree to go with our fake lives?…Yes. Did it feel good knowing my husband would hate it? You betcha. I did mention on here I am a bitch sometimes, and I’m perfectly okay with it?
Why is it the second week in December then and I hadn’t put up the tree yet? Because of the stupid ornaments. Who knew ornaments could break your heart? I can hang up my kids ornaments, the cheesy ones from school, no problem. I can hang up the ball accent ornaments, and the poinsettia ones too. Then it gets a little bit difficult, and I want to cry.
Last year I finished decorating with tears streaming down my face and ended up laying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head to muffle my cries. I got it all decorated this year before the break down, but I still ended up in bed crying. My grandma gives our family ornaments every year, has for at least 20 years. And she marks what ever special occasion has happened that year with an ornament.
So I get to put up the one from the year we got married with hands interlocked and a wedding ring on them. The boys couldn’t wait to put up the giant acorn with a little family inside from the same year which is marked our first home. The baby shoes marking Laney’s birth, the bears, and toy ones showing the boys growing up…I have a breast cancer remembrance one for a friend I lost, and then the only one my Grandma Denny bought me of the school I grew up in. The worst ones though? My sweet grandma had bought my husband “arctic” ones for the years he worked in up north. Those made me angry, and I wanted to drag out the old sledge-hammer and have some “anger therapy”. Instead I just sadly hung them on the tree.
Later as I had my cry in bed my husband told me “Then don’t put the ones up that make you sad, just leave them in the box”.
“My grandma bought those for us, and I will be damned if they don’t get put on my tree. She got them because she loved us, and the actions of two selfish people are not gonna keep me from hanging them up.”
I went on for a little bit with my pity party for one, and how unfair it is…my issues, my tears, my not being able to decorate my stinking Christmas without a breakdown. My husband laid there holding me, letting me get it out, then offered me tea? A sleeping pill? A stiff drink?
Finally he said “want me to get you a Kleenex to blow your nose?”
I started giggling then, because of my blog post yesterday, and the thought of her face falling off in chunks as I blew my nose.
“Yes,” I giggled hysterically, ” I will blow my nose.”
I did and I felt better and as I later sat in bed drinking my tea, I got a blog like from a fellow blogger in the United Kingdom and went and checked out her blog. She had shared a list of quotes about “living in the present”, “forgiveness”, and “moving on without the baggage”, I read all fifty and each one talked to me. I then seen I had msgs on Facebook from people who took time out of their day to say “Hey your blog touched me, and Helped me”.
I just looked up for a minute and said “Yes I hear you, pity party over.”.
It’s still hard today, because I know he spent Birthday’s with “the whore”. He won’t tell me if she baked him a cake or bought him a present…guess he knows they aren’t healing questions, but ones which answered might hurt more than heal. I’m going to print off the quotes today, and hang them in my kitchen, then I’m gonna bake my husband a birthday cake and wrap his present.
I am going to live in the present, wave my middle finger at the past, and wait eagerly for the future. Next year I will decorate that damn tree without any tears…Last night I saw the ornament my Grandma gave to my husband last year for the first time, the boys must have hung it on the tree, and when I went to hang back up an ornament which had fallen it caught my eye. I love my Grandma.
It’s the ornament in the picture and says “All roads lead home at Christmas”
“Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe”