Over the last year I have changed.
You don’t walk through Hell and come out without a little singe around the edges, and if you come out without third degree burns, and your skin hanging off in flaps? Consider your self lucky, you walked through fire, and lived to tell the tale.
Not all of my changes have been bad, they could have been…I could have walked out bitter and angry, unable to see the light, to forgive, and with hate in my heart. I still have a bunch of issues, and work to do, the damage done was quicker to do than to be undone.
I took a hard road and I believe with all my heart, the road God wanted me to take, and have become a better person. I am not a saint, or a perfect person but I know beyond a doubt, I am a good person. I struggled with the affair, it nearly broke me beyond the point of fixing, but I am still here.
Here are the lessons I learned along the way, some were hard, some were easy, all were worth sharing.
Don’t put your kids in the middle of your shit. I will never feel bad for my children being told of the affair, I will not live with lies. I wouldn’t live in a family of lies, and still won’t today. My kids didn’t need to know the details, still don’t know the details (you all don’t get the details), but they needed to know why their family was broke. I tried to keep them out of the shit though, did they see us fight? Yes on occasion, but most the time it was kept behind closed doors, and done when they weren’t here. Neither of us tried to make our kids hate the other, in the end if a child is taught to hate a parent, only the kid loses. So keep them out of it, be the parent and protect them, trust me in the end having no regrets is better.
Get rid of people who are bad for your marriage. Some people are going to give you advice, think that they know what is best for your marriage…don’t listen to them. Listen to your heart, God will speak to you about his plan.
Find people who have been there, who have survived affairs, and talk to them
Every story is different but they understand what you are going through, sharing helps with the healing.
Figure out who your friends are of your marriage, these people are calm in your storm of Hell. They are the ones who don’t talk trash on your spouse, who cheer when you find the love you lost, and will defend your marriage to the end. I was blessed to have friends who hated his actions, but loved, my family enough to help me wade through the shit, got their hands dirty, and never stopped telling me he was not a bad person, he had just made bad choices.
Chose Love and let go of Hate. I told my kids this at the beginning and struggled with it myself, but Love feels so much better than Hate.
Forgive yourself. I’m still trying but I’m making progress.
Don’t eat your heart, it might be bitter, and you might develop a taste for it, but it belongs in your chest, leave it there. Everyone needs a heart, ask the Tin Man, life is too hard to not have a heart.
Remember who you are, who you want to be, and fight to be that person. Every single stinking day FIGHT TO BE HER.
Find a reason to laugh. Laugh till you literally pee your pants, then laugh some more in your pee-pee pants.
I like the person I am now, the person I’m becoming. Some people don’t like the new me, I’m okay with that. I will sit here writing my blog with my heart filled with love and laugh at them until I’m sitting here laughing in pee-pee pants, I am okay with not being liked by all…
I’ve made peace with the new me.
“Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too”