We’re A Happy Family

Yesterday I was making candy and thinking about how different this year is than the previous…

Last year I walked around in a fog, and I don’t remember much. I remember being really, really fake, and I hate being fake. I hate to smile when I know it’s not a real smile, that I’m just doing it because no one is supposed to cry at Christmas. I mean really…who wants to sit next to the crazy person with tears streaming down their face, quietly hiccuping, sobbing, only stopping to blow their nose. Although I’m going to point out I’d rather sit next to them, at least they aren’t sitting there with a scary fake smile on…one that doesn’t reach their eyes, and is rather sad and creepy. The crier at least has a story to tell, the person smiling? They might just have a gun tucked in their panties, waiting for someone to drink the last of their eggnog, or say “Merry Christmas” a little too happily…the smiler is a time bomb waiting to happen. ( I don’t have a gun in my panties I promise)

Yesterday though I was making the candy, as disks whizzed by my head, and teenage boys laughed and wrestled around me. I would stop every once in a while to throw a disc out of my bowl, or to deflect a disk with a Tupperware lid, and to say a “Thank You” to God for giving me my life back. My house is a mess this year, but because it’s a happy house. Last year it was a mess because I couldn’t function, couldn’t stay focused to do even simple chores or cooking. This year it’s a mess because it’s full of kids who had wrapping paper fights last night, and ran around shooting Nerf guns. It’s a mess because my husband is home, and he leaves his work stuff lying around…it drives me nuts but it also makes me smile. It’s a mess because we have spent Christmas break shopping,cooking and baking with extra ones constantly in and out of my house. It’s a mess because it’s “Lived in” and “Loved in” and filled with laughter. Someday my house will be clean and quiet, I dread the day it happens.

Last year I was so overwhelmed by the restraining order and the affair, I couldn’t enjoy the holidays. Christmas morning last year? My husband and Laney found me laying in the bottom of the shower, unable to breathe, crying uncontrollably. Last year I lost sight of my family, unable to see them through the tears, and was broken. Today I’m remembering last year, to remind myself just how lucky I am. For a long time last year I kept asking “Why?? Why me??Why my family?? WHY??” and if I could go back? I’d grab a towel, turn off the water and dry her off as she laid crying in the bottom of the tub…I’d kiss her cheek and whisper to her ” You will never know why, but you will find peace again. You have a long road ahead of you, but you will come out a better person. You are gonna be okay, I promise. Now go get dressed…and stop trying to smile, it’s scaring the kids. ” Merry Christmas, my friends, I hope you all have a messy house, laughter, and love this Christmas. I am off to bake bread, cheesecake and cookies…if you happen to find a Nerf disc in a bite?

Just know it was put there with laughter and love.

“We’re a happy family
Me mom and daddy

Siting here in Queens
Eating refried beans
We’re in all the magazines
Gulpin’ down thorazines

We ain’t got no friends
Our troubles never end
No Christmas cards to send
Daddy likes men

Daddy’s telling lies
Baby’s eating flies
Mommy’s on pills
Baby’s got the chills

I’m friends with the President
I’m friends with the Pope
We’re all making a fortune
Selling Daddy’s dope”

-Ramones-

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One Response to We’re A Happy Family

  1. I love your house it’s makes u feel loved when u walk in!

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