I have had problems sleeping the last year, serious problems.
I can go to sleep fine usually, but every morning I’d wake up at two or three o’clock in the morning and my demons would be there waiting on me. I would get up and cry for hours, until either I could sleep from exhaustion, or it was time to get up. Lack of sleep wasn’t helping my depression, it wasn’t letting me deal with my issues…Lack of sleep was making me weak and bringing me to my knees. The demons who waited there in the dark every night were replaying the affair over and over in my mind, making every day feel like the first day, I wasn’t healing at all.
My husband started dealing with it as soon as he got home in December, he would find me on the couch with a pile of Kleenex sobbing until there were no tears left to cry, laying on the bathroom floor in a ball crying, sitting in the kitchen floor rocking back and forth bawling, he would take me back to bed and hold me until I fell asleep. He started bringing me a sleeping pill and glass of water every night, and I hated it. I hate pills, even taking one for a headache, and I was having to take them every night to sleep. Sometimes I would feel strong enough, I would have a good week and declare myself healed. I would lie to my husband and tell him I took my pill, and he would find me once again, up and crying for hours at night. He started watching me take it, treating me like a child, sometimes even making me lift my tongue so he could check my mouth.
I stopped taking them a month ago, and he was scared. A couple of bad nights can lead to several bad weeks, they can take any progress made and throw it out, he was terrified of a relapse. I was tired though of being forced to take a pill, of letting my demons win. I wake up still sometimes, and I can hear the whispers starting in my head, but I am stronger now, and I am able to block them out. My husband is hyper aware right now of every move I make at night, if I get up for a drink or to go to the bathroom he is usually up before I can get back to bed, coming to find me. If I lay too far away from him in bed, I will be woken up by him reaching to find me, to make sure I’m still there asleep. I sleep now but he doesn’t…
I hope someday we can both sleep.
“When you close your eyes and you go to sleep
And it’s down to the sound of a heartbeat
I can hear the things that you’re dreaming about
When you open up your heart and the truth comes out
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you love me
And I know that I’m right
‘Cause I hear it in the night”