A comment yesterday, a sweet comment, has made me tear up and then struggle with why ‘happily ever after‘ isn’t in my future anytime soon…
I wish I could renew my vows, put back on my wedding ring and put the past behind me. I wish with every single fiber of my being I could. I want my life back, the innocence, the belief of “bad things don’t happen to my family”. I want it back…I WANT IT…but I have learned the last year “You don’t always get what you want”. It sucks, but it’s true…
I, Kelly, will never win the lottery, I will never understand Algebra, and I will never ever have my life back.
First thing I wanted to do was renew my vows, buy a new wedding ring and put this messed up shit behind me…I was naive, some might say stupid, I like to say “I’m a dreamer”, but dumbass is more honest. You can’t fix a marriage with new wedding vows. The vows I said? I meant them and lived them, in good times and bad. He didn’t, he broke them and me. He took off his wedding ring, but even if he had worn it, it wouldn’t have meant anything. It was like the vows he said, meaningless.
Vows and rings are symbols, but they aren’t magic wands they don’t keep the bad shit at bay. I wish they did, I’d be first in line to buy the ring with my new vows already wrote. I know there isn’t any magic fix, “bippity bobbity boo” to make the new words spoken mean something. He meant them the first time he said them…he loved me…until he didn’t want the vows to mean anything anymore and then they meant nothing. He saw the ring he put on my finger, he felt it everything he held my hand, and it meant nothing, it was only a ring.
How do you trust the words spoken in new vows? How do I believe the promise given with a new ring? How do I stand before my children and promise them this time is forever? Sadly the answer is “I don’t” because like in any fairy tale the magic only works if you believe…
and I don’t believe.
“Workin’ hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin’ anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on”