Hard To Love

I am…irrated? Mad? Slightly pissed?

Sigh, I don’t know which I am and I really don’t have the time today to sit down and psychoanalyze myself to figure out which I am. I have a list a mile long to get through and all I know is… I ain’t happy. I do know the reason behind it…drumroll please…my husband. I know surprise, surprise, SURPRISE!!! He was being an ass…men, ALL men, can be asses, but when he is an ass it is a bigger deal than it should be.

When my husband is an ass it pulls me back, it’s like my own personal time machine and it transports me back in time to three years ago. For the two years of the affair he made a career out of being an ass to me. He would pick random fights, and then claim he could never do right in my eyes, everything he said or did was wrong…my all time favorite line from the past he used? “It must be nice to be perfect like you”…I know now he did it out of guilt, out of being a man having an affair. Pick a fight with your wife so when you are sleeping with the whore you don’t feel so guilty, so you feel justified. I get it, took me a year and a shit ton of reading but I get why he was a jerk to me. Now don’t get me wrong I still don’t understand ‘WHY’…I don’t know if I will ever fully understand the affair, partly because it’s not in me.

I don’t have it in me to cheat…simple fact…doesn’t make me any better or smarter. I just don’t have it in me. I don’t lie well, I feel guilty over little shit so big shit would make me crazy, and it’s too much work for me. I’m lazy, and I have a hard time juggling my life, I don’t have it in me to juggle two lives. Another random fact about affairs? Cheaters rarely trade up, mine didn’t…and if I can’t trade up to, I don’t know, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney or Jax (off Sons of Anarchy…the actual character not the actor), then I don’t see the use in putting the effort into an affair. Like I said I’m too stinking lazy to cheat for sex with a fat whore, it’s filet mignon no pork burgers for me please.

So he triggered me yesterday by being an ass, and now I’m sitting here wondering “Is he being an ass because all men can be asses or because he’s trying to feel better about having an affair?”

Sane Kelly? She says ” You are being a totally crazy person, and you need to work on those issues some more instead of deciding to hide in the kitchen making enchiritos and baking cinnamon rolls”

Crazy Kelly? She says ” You need to go smell his clothes, go through his pockets, hack his emails, and steal his phone…What are you waiting for? Belly crawl your ass in there while he’s in the shower!!! Go!!GO!!!GO!!!!!” And then she starts humming the theme song to “Mission Impossible”.

I wish affairs only lasted for the length of the affair, and when they were over you got to just move on. Instead affairs are boulders thrown into our ponds of sanity, and the ripples seem to last forever in the little bit of pond water that’s left. I think I’m going to ignore both voices and just go back to my baking.

Baking makes me happy.

“I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball
Crashing into your heart like I do
You’re like a Sunday morning, full of grace and full of Jesus
I wish that I could be more like you.

I’m hard to love, hard to love,
No, I don’t make it easy,
I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood,
I’m hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, good.
Love me, good.

Girl, you’ve given me a million second chances
And I don’t ever wanna take you for granted,
I’m just a man, I’m just a man”

-Lee Brice-

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5 Responses to Hard To Love

  1. Found your blog from Good Wife’s blog. I could have written sooooo much of what you posted above. I think it’s a combination of our extra sensitivity and their LACK of sensitivity. We really expect them to go….”oh yeah!!! I CHEATED on her and damn near destroyed her. I really should be more sensitive!!” Said no man ever, LOL.

    Your description of crazy Kelly made me laugh out loud. I am two years out from d day, and while I have no fears of him EVER contacting his whore again after the stalking/bullying/harassing hell she put us through (shout out! Thanks whore! You really showed your true colors and he hates you more than anyone now! YAY!) I have also told him, this is a one and done deal. I am working to get over this, but if you ever, ever, EVER give me even the idea that you are involved with another woman…… I AM OUT. And the kids? Who have been through so much? Will be right behind me.

    I’m so with you on that last part. Affairs should have some type of expiration point. Where it just drops off the radar, it is safely gone, and moving forward is hassle-free.

    • rkabceden says:

      Oh he doesn’t get to cheat again…it’s one of my deal breakers, I won’t do this again. But trust is hard to rebuild, and we aren’t there yet. I know he hates “the whore” she signed, sealed, and delivered her fate when she sent me the letter about the affair, but the restraining order she placed on him after 6 weeks of him ignoring her sent him over the edge to “wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire” Glad you found ‘crazy Kelly’ funny I kind of like her too πŸ™‚

  2. A Good Wife says:

    Crazy Kelly made me laugh. Interestingly, “Sane” Kelly keeps telling you that you’re “crazy”. I have been able to relate to both Kelly’s at some point. I don’t know that either Sane or Crazy Kelly is correct though. I guess that’s why you’ll keep baking until you figure something out. Did you need my address to ship those baked goodies? πŸ™‚ ((Hugs)) and ((thoughts)) being sent your way today.
    ~GW

  3. Ryan says:

    Maybe it’s just because he hasn’t been feeling good lately?? I’m trying to be positive for you and I don’t know when it happened but I could kind of tell yesterday. Anyway I will be at your house in a while again πŸ™‚

    • julesedison says:

      Still reading, and this post is spot on. Probably the worst trigger is when they resemble the man they were before. I will not tolerate that man entering our lives again. I wish my ‘crazy Kelly’ side didn’t come out so easily and quickly when triggered.

      By the way, glad I read back through this and for some reason auto correct put poo rat instead of worst in front of triggers. Maybe poo rat is a better description… πŸ˜‰

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