Because Of You

I am not a brave person.

I am the person who takes safe over unknown, every single time. I hate roller coasters…the way your belly drops, you don’t see the dips until you are dipping, and the fear of dying…I hate roller coasters. I grew up hating scary movies, and the music which came with them, always letting you know “They are so screwed”, before the characters came face to face with a chainsaw. I hate crowds and new situations, I get anxious and can’t breathe, I like routine and the known.

Motherhood changed me, made me stronger, it made me more than I was. When I play the ‘Where would I be if I hadn’t had kids game’ it’s kind of sad. I think I’d be an adult with a successful career but I’d cower in the dark over every little noise at night. I know I’d live my life in fear of messing up, of making the wrong choices. When you have kids you become stronger, less afraid of the small stuff. I don’t worry about a chainsaw swinging maniac anymore…I love scary movies…I have faced down packs of hungry, bored, hyper boys of all ages, and trust me Mr. Maniac you have nothing on them. 

Holding my children in my arms, knowing I would die for them, kind of makes everything else in life less scary. That being said, I was terrified to fly to Valdez and face those demons. Imagine going to the town, the apartment, the life…where the whole affair had taken place. I hated the town, the people in it, and just wanted to forget about it…Hell I would have lit the match if someone had supplied the gasoline to burn it to the ground. 

I was also faced with the knowledge of me and “the whore” coming face to face, there we would stand in court and how would I measure up? She had obviously been attractive enough to my husband for him to risk losing his family, so what if once we were standing side by side he discovered I was lacking? ( Please note I was crazy at this point, and had not yet seen “the whore” in person. As one friend told me “She takes a lot better picture than she looks in person” but I was still assuming she was just being nice. My friend? She is a very nice and sweet person, but she wasn’t just blowing smoke up my ass to make me feel better.) 

I had a plan though, I was going to find the perfect ‘court outfit’…one which said “Hey I’m Kelly, and I might be eight years older than you, I might have two more kids, I might not wear around skimpy dress-up outfits to lure men into buying me drinks, I might not have random sex with multiple men, BUT  I am smart, sexy, and I am here to kick your ass in court…”.

It was a lot to ask of an outfit, but I knew with it on, and a LOT of prayer I was going to be brave enough to walk into the courtroom. 

Never underestimate the power of kick ass clothes…

“I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you”
-Kelly Clarkson-

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One Response to Because Of You

  1. T. D. Davis says:

    I too hate rollercoasters and scary movies, but “Holding my children in my arms, knowing I would die for them, kind of makes everything else in life less scary” is absolutely true. Best to you and yours.

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