Valdez was like I remembered it but covered in snow…
Tons and tons of snow, I had only been there in the summer before, and seeing in covered in white was breathtaking. As soon as my feet hit the ground, a peace came over me and for the first time in over two months I was calm. God had not answered my prayers of taking ‘the whore’ from our lives but he had taken pity on me and had lightened my spirit. In the town full of my demons, I walked unburdened standing straight and defiant.
My husband had offered to get us a hotel, had told me I could stay separate from him if I wanted. I refused and told him to take me to his apartment. I walked the steps and waited for it to hit me…the panic, the nausea, the images…the ghosts of his apartment were silent. I walked in and except for a few changes it was the same as the summer I had stayed.
“You okay?” he asked hugging me.
“Surprisingly so…” I answered and took my bags to his room. I remember the shock on his face, he had assumed we would sleep in his spare bedroom. I smiled back at him and told him “You get to sleep on ‘the whore’s’ side, I’m not going to even risk getting that on me.” ‘The whore’ in the first days after the affair came out, bragged to me how she even had a side of the bed with him. I really didn’t blame him for assigning her a side…one she probably left an indention in his mattress, and two who wants their good pillows smelling like whore? All I knew was I had gotten over the first of many hurdles, and if I couldn’t sleep in his bedroom? How the Hell was I gonna face her in court?
My husband spent the day talking to his lawyer on the phone, listening as she told him to keep his answers short and sweet, don’t interrupt, and don’t react. He let her know I had made the trip with him, and was planning on attending the hearing. She had never met either one of us in person, and I know she was slightly nervous about me being there. My husband assured her I would be okay. My husband was a ball of nerves, and I was calm. If you didn’t know me you’d have thought I was high, but instead I was at peace. My husband finally couldn’t take it, my new Zen like calm, and asked again…
“Are you okay?” He knows me and knows when we have an event…shows, games, holidays, ect…I get anxious. If it’s a big event, like I don’t know a court hearing, I should be doing my crazy cleaning, yelling and fretting thing I do. Instead I was humming as I was getting a drink, taking a break from my book.
“I’m fine, just thirsty…” I told him planting a kiss on his head as he sat in his chair, going over his testimony. “It’s gonna be fine.”
He smiled a bitter smile, “How do you know that?” he asked.
“I don’t know? It’s weird but I know it’s gonna be okay, I can feel it. She isn’t going to win, she’s lying, and the truth is gonna win. ” I did know too…the same voice which had told me for two years ‘something is wrong’ was now telling me ‘it’s gonna be okay’…I trusted the voice, I trusted God. He hadn’t given me what I wanted, an easy way out, but he was giving me what I needed. The chance to stand by my husband and be a good wife, a good friend…the chance to be strong when weak was the easy choice…and the chance to face my demons, to look them in the eye with my head held high and scream ‘You will not beat me!!! You will not take my family!!! You will not win!!!’
I went to bed that night with my husband’s arms around me, and slept like a baby.
“Oh so your standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you’re feeling like you just can’t win, but you’re trying
It’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, when you’re being pushed around
Don’t even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, ’round, down…
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door,
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on remembering'”