Lying Eyes

I haven’t written for a couple of days because my life got busy…extra kids last week, and then a ton more this weekend meant, I was busy.  Add in sows getting ready to farrow, calves needing sorting for our sale, and new pens needing to be built and we had a full weekend. All my extra’s have went home, and I am exhausted.

I played basketball with them for a couple of hours Saturday after chores…real ball and my boys don’t care if I’m 5’2″, a woman, and old, they play to win. It’s no fouls so I’m covered in bruises, but I can’t complain, I might have hacked, punched and bit a few of them, I’m a little scrappy. You can’t tell it by looking at me, but if you wrap your arms around me and pick me up with the ball, trying to get me to drop it? I will bite and make no apologies (Please don’t write how wrong I am, I know it…but they let me go, and we scored). 

I have raised my kids knowing ” Right is Right and Wrong is Wrong, you always do right, no matter how hard”. It was hard being in court, it was hard standing beside my husband who had betrayed me.

He lied and cheated,  he hurt me by being a selfish jerk, and didn’t care. Any excuse he could have given (he didn’t give any) wouldn’t change the fact, he is the one who shit on our marriage, and allowed ‘the whore’ into my life. He allowed her to feel a part of my children’s lives, he was an ASS. I can’t stand the man he was, and the shadow of that man still makes it hard to be around him some days…who am I lying to, it makes it hard every single day. For the last 14 months I have struggled to give him a second chance, to share his bed, to hear his voice…I used to struggle every single second of the day, but I now only struggle for hours on my good days. On my GOOD DAYS!!! 

I was called to the stand to testify about my life with my husband, to defend our marriage, to shed light on the man I had known for 20 years. 

I took a breath and spelled my name, and agreed to tell the truth. It is a scary place to be…in court. It’s not like they show on “Law and Order”, and unlike ‘the whore’ I had no one holding my hand. I had no support in the audience, and I had no reason to think the judge would believe me. I was an outsider, not a hometown girl. I hadn’t been prepared by my husband’s lawyer, given any advice so I just did what I’d want my kids to do. I looked him square in the eye and I told the truth.

“Has your husband ever in the last 20 years been violent towards you?” His lawyer asked.

“No…” I answered and then added, ” If he had of I would have left him.”

“Has he ever been violent to your children?” She questioned.

“No…” I chuckled at the thought. ” I’m the one who disciplines our children, he is the one who spoils them.”

I don’t remember what else she asked but she only asked a few questions. “The whore’s” lawyer then had his turn.

“Did your husband…” He chuckled at the word husband ” ever tell you about his relationship with “the whore”

“No,” I answered refusing to react to his chuckle, ” if he had I would have left him.”

 “So he never mentioned her?” he pushed on…

I took a deep breath and thought about his question. Then I remembered a conversation  with my husband the summer before.

“Yes he did mention her last June when he babysit her daughter for her.” I replied, and a painful trigger became something useful as her lawyer quickly responded.

“No more questions”…I know God gave me the answer, the words to shut the chuckling lawyer up. 

Now we all sat listening as the judge explained his decision, and there were times I wanted to ask someone ” What does it mean? Did we win?” Finally he talked about how he didn’t believe the mom at all, and slightly reprimanded her for not being honest. He then explained how he believed some of what ‘the whore’ had said, and parts of what my husband said. The only person he believed fully? Me…or as he pointed out “The one person who has every reason to lie and throw her husband under the bus.”

As he finished and let us know the order would over at midnight, I was overcome with emotion. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to cheer and run around the courtroom giving high fives, I wanted to scream…instead I nodded my head and gave a grim smile. “The whore” ran from the courtroom in tears, I slowly gathered my belongings and put on my coat. I couldn’t believe our nightmare was finally over. 

If I could have said something to the judge when it was all over? I would have said “Thank you…thank you for giving me back my belief in people. Thank you for seeing the truth in the dark, for not taking the easy way. Thank you for doing your job, and figuring out what had really happened. Thank you for not believing the ‘damsel in distress’ image she likes to portray. Thank you for giving my family peace…” Then I’d ask him ” Are you a super hero? Can you not only see in the dark, but also leap buildings in a single bound? Can I have you sign an autograph to frame for my house, so my kids can see ‘telling the truth’ means something?”

I would vote for him for president, or live in a country he was king in…Dear Valdez? If you ever have a parade in his honor? I would like an invite… If you ever erect a statue in his honor? I’d like to give a donation…

Bad thing was? Now that we were done fighting “the whore”?

We had to figure out what we were going to do with our marriage…


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