I know, I know…
I make you all jump through hoops and then I quit writing. I could make a million excuses but they would just be excuses, the truth? It’s been dark here the last week…why? I don’t know. Maybe because I was sick and tired, maybe because I was due a set back, a bad day…a bad week.
I was doing good so it stinks, it sucks big time when I get pulled back by my issues, my personal demons. It makes me want to scream, to just give up. It is hard you know, living a life with my husband.
I hate him during these times, I hate him…and hating him feels good. Loving someone who has done what he did to me and my kids isn’t natural, it’s not what comes naturally. When someone has hurt you, torn your heart out and shit on it? Your first instinct isn’t to hug them.
I wish he’d have let me go…three years ago, I wish he’d been a better person and let me go. He didn’t though, he kept me in the dark and had an affair. How do you do that to someone you love? What do you tell yourself to make it okay? How do you look yourself in the mirror every morning? If I only had one question I could ask…How the HELL did you look at me and your kids when you stepped off the plane, there we stood EVERY SINGLE TIME, with arms held out for hugs, and heads turned up for kisses. You would take our daughter from my arms and hold me close to your side…and you knew WHOLE TIME you were gonna break me. How did you? HOW?
I’m struggling and my thought of the week? If he loved me, really loved me? He’d have let me go. I wonder what my life would be like? Would I be happy? Would I be whole? Would I have moved on?
I like to think he’d be remarried to ‘the whore’ and know what true misery was, and he’d get to see a glimpse of our new family when he’d fly down for a visit.
‘The whore’ would be clinging to his arm as he’d walk into our sons’ basketball games, and everyone would stop talking to watch them walk by.
“He left Kelly for that?” The whispers would follow them.
“What in the world was he thinking?” The whispers would ask.
I would smile and wave as they’d pass, a little sad, but thanking God he at least left me first, and didn’t cheat. Could you imagine living with that? The shame and embarrassment of being cheated on? I’d shake my head and go back to cheering for my sons with my head held high and a wistful smile on my lips. I’d catch him watching me as my ‘new friend’ helped me on with my coat, and reached down to swing Laney onto his hip. The boys would come up and give him a fist bump.
“Great game!” My ‘new friend’ would say with a smile.
“Go talk to your dad and your stepmom…” I’d tell them with a giggle.
“Don’t call her that!!” My youngest would yell ” why the heck did he bring her? It’s embarrassing..” He would roll his eyes and start up the bleachers to where they sat alone.
“I’ll met you in the car,” I’d yell up to them as I started down the aisle.
“George!!” A fan would scream holding out a pen and paper.
“Do you mind?” He’d ask with a well known smirk turning up his lips.
I’d roll my eyes and kiss his cheek “I’ll wait in the car Mr. Clooney.” And I’d take Laney from him and make my way through the growing group of women surrounding him.
I wish he’d let me go…