The Warrior

I stopped writing…

My husband said unkind things in anger about a blog he’s never read, so I stopped writing. He has watched the sadness, my demons return, once held captive by my writing now free again.

“Please write!!” He begged me the other night “if you write again I will read it!!” He promised…

I don’t believe him he has promised a lot through the years. He lies I know that now and I don’t trust him. I don’t know if I even want him to read my blog.

There was a time I did, I thought maybe it’d help him heal. Now I don’t care, let him figure out how to heal on his own. He had his ‘fun’ now let him pay for it. That’s angry Kelly in my head, she is totally and completely pissed this week. If I let her fully out? He’d be dead and I would be in jail. “Girl has issues” but man does she not have a point.

“He has issues!!” She screams in my head “So f-ing what!! He didn’t care about you or your kids for two years!! Two f-ing years!! That’s 730 days (she might be wrong she sucks at math too…she’s really good at throwing the F-bomb as an adjective though)!! He deserves to rot in HELL for what he did!!He was a f-ing ass to you, he cheated on you, and he lied over, and OVER to you!! You distract him when he opens the door and I will nail him with the bat!! It will feel good, the crunch of his skull giving way, watching him spit out his teeth, breaking his arm…come on let’s have some fun.” She begs me.

I get her anger, and she makes some really valid points. But in her anger she forgets the kids, and I don’t want them being raised by my In laws. I love them, but they spoil my kids and feed them pizza too much.

So I’m writing again, ‘Angry Kelly’ is giving me a headache and ‘the whore’ needs to get the Hell back up north and out of my head.

‘Sad Kelly’? She needs to check her panties and see if she has any lady balls left. If not she needs to grow a pair. My husband might have had a thing for whiny, weak women but I can’t stand them.

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3 Responses to The Warrior

  1. Years ago when my oldest son was about three, he sobbed on the floor because I had denied him some now long-forgotten thing. He suddenly jumped up and started to run into my arms to be consoled. Seconds before impact, he remembered that “I” was the reason he was so crushed in the first place. He threw himself to the floor once again and wailed even louder.

    When our spouse betrays us, it is a double loss. At our most heart-broken, we also have lost the person who is typically our greatest supporter and comforter. The person we need the most and rely on the most for physical and emotional support is now the person who has destroyed those very same things. Your anger is normal. Your inner rage is to be expected. It is great that you have this blog as a place to pour out those thoughts. I had many revenge fantasies. My most prominent was getting one of the baseball bats out of our garage (hesitating ever so slightly as they are worth big $) and marching into his office and relishing the crack of computer equipment and office furniture. I could see and hear the destruction. I would never have done it, but it felt good to imagine a physical outlet for all that hurt and anguish.

    In more of our fights than I care to remember, I would hurl vicious insults. My language was so bad and so unlike my real personality, that I told our counselor I had discovered a new mental illness. Infidelity induced bi-polar disease. Only half-jokingly, I told her we could write it up in the medical journals and become famous. This too shall pass. The rage will settle. It will become easier to wrest control of your thoughts and emotions. I won’t say that I don’t ever stumble backwards, but those times are far, far fewer. The pain will always be there. I will never look back at what he did and not feel it. I just choose more often NOT to do so. As time goes by, I can look forward more than backward. I can remind myself to focus on who he is TODAY. Affairs are crazy things, populated by individuals who are sick and delusional. He didn’t care about you and the kids during the affair? Didn’t pay attention to you all? Criticized everything you did? So did my husband. And you know what? We should be GLAD. It is PROOF they were not themselves. Proof that is not who they really are. It hurts. What they did was wrong. But it does not define them. What defines them is what they do NOW. And tomorrow. And next week. If my husband continues to work hard to understand how he got so far into a pit, if he works every day to show me who he really is, if he continues to live his life transparently and with his eyes firmly fixed on our marriage and family? We can go forward. Hang in there friend. Brighter days are ahead.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    I also have said & done things, I would never have thought I was capable of doing. I still have scenes of revenge that play out in my mind at least several times a week! I have yelled, cursed, hit, spit & thrown things at my husband, am I proud of my behavior, if I’m having a sane day,NO, but if I’m strapped into the roller coaster, oh hell YES! I only wish the “CUNT” was there to get a piece of the action!!! If none of you have listened to the song,”True Love” by Pink, please do, it has become my song, it totally sums up just how I feel about my hubby right now! It is deliciously naughty & funny, but kinda sad considering I would never have used hate to describe my relationship before this, anyway let me know how you guys like it, in the meantime , dream on, a little fantasy never hurt anyone as long as it stays in your head! 😇😈

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