Simple Man

My husband is a good man…

Let it sink in for a minute. The man who cheated on me, lied to me, put himself before his family, hurt his kids, brought embarrassment and shame to his family, made me feel like shit about myself for the length of the affair, crushed my self-confidence, used me, and never thought about us (me and the kids)…he is a good man.

It’s one of the things I have struggled with the last year. It would be so much easier if I could say he’s a horrible man. I’ve known awful men who have cheated. Advised my friends and family members to run…run fast and far because he is a psychopath. I have seen men who lived their entire lives being self-absorbed assholes. When caught they just move on to the next unsuspecting victim.

These men never feel regret or remorse, and never EVER face the music. I’d like to put all these men on an island together. Even better I’d put them on an island together with ‘the whores’. All of them…the women who knowingly and willing slept with married men and had no remorse, just anger at the wives for not cooperating and handing over our families. An island where assholes and whores can set around lying to each other, playing their games, cheating, acting the victim and then repeating the cycle. Whore island would be full of disease and mayhem but the residents would be happy.

My husband doesn’t belong there…he has tried to make amends to an often crazy wife. He has been a better father this last year than he was the last 18. He would argue he was a good father before and I would say yes he was. The two years of the affair he wasn’t a good dad. He was moody, and griped at the kids, he made them feel like they weren’t good enough in his eyes…he made them feel like I did… “Is it time for him to go back yet?” I guess when you are mad at yourself, you are mad at the world. He has a hard time now, trying to be a dad and discipline them, and at the same time make the hurt…the betrayal up to them. He is trying and that’s all anyone can do.

He doesn’t belong on the island because he wears tiaras, can make a pigtail in my daughter’s hair, and has been known to take a bubble bath with Lou. He puts up with all the hurt kittens, endless puppies, and chaos of her life. He brushes cookie crumbs from his side of the bed from her sneaking them in without a word. He makes up songs as he puts her to sleep. He has let her ‘fix’ his hair, paint his nails, and I know what he looks like in ‘sparkly lip gloss’. He is the dad to her I was promised when I was pregnant with her again.

He wouldn’t fit in on the island because the guilt of what he did eats at him every day. He still apologizes almost daily, and tries to stay on step ahead of me on my path to healing…he watches for triggers, sweeps aside my demons and tries to clear my path. He has bad days too, days where he lets the anger out and we fight, we struggle. It always ends with his sorrow and regret overwhelming him. He feels shame and regret, he struggles on a hard path to redemption.

My husband is a good man who did a horrible thing.

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10 Responses to Simple Man

  1. brokenjoan says:

    WELL SAID!!! I always feel my husband was a good man & he is trying so hard to make amends for what he did! What I’m having trouble with is how someone can change so drastically when having the affair, but when caught, they revert back to the person you thought they were before! Does that make any sense? After I caught him my husband immediately broke things off with her, in front of me on the phone, but when I ask him why if it was that easy, why he couldn’t do it before, he says he doesn’t know! That’s why it’s so hard for us to understand, because they say they don’t understand themselves. I think my husband was in the ” have his cake & eat it to” type of affair! Meaning I don’t think he would have left me for her, but he also would not break up with her until the affair was discovered. He has told me,” I thought I was that one dumb ass that was too smart to get caught.” I agree with that statement to an extent, he is a dumb ass, but he’s not very smart!!! They’re all little boys that have to be praised at all times, they want to be thought of as men, but then act like children. I deserve another cookie(aka the whore) and if you don’t willingly give me one I’ll get it for myself. Now you see why a country mostly run by men is in the shape it’s in!!! I doubt very seriously if Hillary would be giving blow jobs in the Oval Office, but Bill had no problem! I grew up in the 60’s, in my high school there were good girls & the so called “bad girls,” being one of the good girls & quite naive about things, I didn’t know why my mother told me to stay away from them. So all my life I was first a good girl,( lost a lot of boy friends that way), then I was a good wife, then I was a good mom, so I guess the moral of this story is why did I listen to my mother, I have been a good girl all my life & look where that got me!!! I know that sounds pessimistic, affairs have a way of beating back your optimism. So I leave you with this, in my day I was told men won’t buy the cow when they can get the milk free, well the modern girl knows they don’t have to buy a whole pig to get a little sausage!!! XOXO Joan

    • You crack me up lol…it is one of the hardest things to make peace with, that our husbands became another person. Mine broke it off right away too, he was done and almost relieved if that makes sense. It’s part of the reason ‘the whore’ was so pissed he threw her aside like the piece if trash she was. If he had needed to chose? If he had needed time to decide who he wanted? He wouldn’t have found me there when he was done. I would have kicked him to the curb and moved on with my kids. Love the pig comment it suits me so well 🙂

  2. brokenjoan says:

    P.S. I forgot to add make sure that pigs sausage doesn’t belong to someone else!!!

  3. Loved this post. Thank you! I’m starting to the feel the same way about my husband. Good luck 🙂

  4. A positive post…it’s really encouraging to see. Keep up the great work in your relationship!

  5. pabloswife says:

    I agree wholeheartedly. I believe my husband is essentially a good man who did a REALLY stupid thing!! I think he shot off a flirty message and couldn’t believe his luck when one came back. I also think he was really stupid. If only he’d just told me how he was feeling, we may have been able to avoid all this pain and hurt.

    If I’m being honest, I still have moments where I actually can’t believe he did it. I can’t believe he was that “brave”. Maybe brave is the wrong word because it makes you think what he did was a good thing so maybe reckless is a better one. He was selfish, reckless and completely stupid – I’m keeping this PG13 for ya 😉 – but it doesn’t make him a bad man.

    • Does it ever completely sink in? 15 months later and a part of me still believes I will wake up and it won’t be true, just a bad dream. I like the fact you aren’t PG13, my only regret to being an open book is having to edit myself, so I just visit you and say ‘damn sister…tell it like it is ” 😉

  6. Great post. My husband is a good man who made some choices that devastated us. We have been together married and dating for thirty years. I think I know who he is and who he isn’t. Doesn’t mean I don’t have some serious issues with what he did, but I know it was more of the depression and general life issues that came into play. I am thankful that he is genuinely remorseful, and that he has worked so hard to rebuild and repair what he has done. He has told me over and over that he would do anything to take it all away. It meant nothing other than escape from some difficult reality in his world. Two major anti-versaries coming up soon, so any good thoughts appreciated!

    • Good thoughts, prayers, and cyber hugs to you my sweet friend. Remember what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and we now are super women. Always here if you need an ear to vent to.

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