Gun Powder And Lead

Happy ‘Your Husband or Boyfriend is Gonna F**k Up Day’ or as men celebrate it ‘Shit What Do I Buy Day’ or as my husband knows it now ‘I Slept With a Whore Now My Wife Is Likely To Kill Me Day’ I like to call it ‘I Hope The Whore Chokes on a Heart Shaped Chocolate Day’.

I have baked my cupcakes, dipped my pretzels in white chocolate and sprinkled them with pink sugar, and am now getting ready to head to town to buy flowers for my middle son’s girlfriend. I hate this holiday but I won’t let my issues affect my kids.

I will resist the urge to run my arm down the aisle and watch the heart-shaped boxes full of chocolate fall to the floor. I won’t rip up cards in the card aisle making pink and red confetti cover the floor. I won’t pop all the stupid heart-shaped balloons, sucking out the helium and singing “Love Hurts, Love Bleeds…it frigging sucks!!” In my best Alvin and the Chipmunks Screamo voice. I won’t start beating men over the head with roses as they check out, yelling at them “Did you buy those chocolates for your wife or whore?” I will keep all my hate and bitterness inside today.

Happy V-Day whore…I hope you get VD and your pee burns like the hell I have lived in. I hope you get a huge sore on your lip, that takes over the side of your face. I hope you gain another 20lbs and another roll on your stomach. I hope you get a thorn from your flowers in your crooked fat little fingers.

I hate this artificial made up holiday. I’m going to go download Grand Theft Auto’s Valentine Massacre on my kids’ X-box, turn up some Miranda Lambert and drink Bloody Mary’s in my PJs’ till either my kids find me or I’ve passed out.

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3 Responses to Gun Powder And Lead

  1. I was just listening to “Gun Powder and Lead” this morning on my man hater Pandora radio station! I have a lot of great anthems for this stupid, stupid day. I hope yours gets better!

  2. Last night, ten o’clock found me stomping down the aisles of our local grocery store mentally cursing all the “good mothers” who didn’t wait until the last minute to buy the party supplies for their child’s school party. I amused myself by peering into the carts of the masses of men out buying their last minute Valentine’s Day gifts. IN A GROCERY STORE. Let that sink in a minute.

    Two roses and a frozen pizza?? Loser. Definitely NOT getting laid. Super-sized stuffed dog and a bag of Hershey’s kisses? You have a chance. You are young and cute and she probably doesn’t know any better than to accept a giant dust collector. Balloons, a dozen roses, a candy bar bouquet and an oversized card. YOU sir are overcompensating for something. Wait. Is that GUILT I smell wafting off you like a cheap cologne? I hope she’s stupid or else you don’t stand a chance. Or maybe you are buying for TWO different women? Good thing we aren’t in the aisle with steak knives. I’d take care of you for her. Three DIFFERENT types of flowers, a book ( and not Danielle Steel….bonus points for you!!) and a reasonable amount of chocolate. You might be one of the good guys. Lone guy clutching a balloon with a cartoon character, looking dazed because he likely realizes the lameness of shopping in a GROCERY STORE for Valentine’s day. You better hustle yourself to the mall tomorrow morning REALLY early and pray she doesn’t want to exchange gifts in the am. I suggest a preemptive strike tonight mentioning DINNER and the exchange of gifts. The man sweating in the card aisle, where only three decent looking cards remain, the rest rejected and trampled underfoot by the earlier, on-the-way-home-from-work-better-get-a-card-or-she’ll-kill-me crowd.

    Lastly, to the guy with the gift so lame I won’t even mention it? I glanced down, shook my head slightly, and watched his eyes widen in terror as he bolted off to the floral department. YOU ARE WELCOME. I am also happy to report I resisted the urge to grab boxes of condoms and sneak them in these guys’ carts when they weren’t looking. HA. I’m kidding. Kind of.

  3. brokenjoan says:

    Great kick ass aproach to V Day, it gave me my laugh for the day! This day is a huge trigger for me, flowers for her, nothing for wifey(that’s what she called me!). So he offered to take me to dinner, at first I said yes, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, if you can imagine that! Then I grew some lady balls(now where did I get that from) LOL, anyway I came to my senses & thought do I really want to sit across the table from this man & think about him sending her flowers & pledging his undying love (BARF). Fuck no & guess what, it’s my fuckin choice now & I fuckin choose not to go, score one for our team!!! I’ll be in bed with a White Russian, the drink not the man๐Ÿ˜›!!!!! So here’s to us, drink up & let the whores buy their own drinks!!!๐Ÿท๐Ÿธ๐Ÿน oh before I go love that song by Miranda, have you listened to True Love by Pink, if not please do, it’s my song to my hubby, he now knows when I turn that on to cover his balls, I can see them twitching now. Oh I am so evil!!! So cheers to whatever gets you through the day! XOXO Joan

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