Happy ‘Your Husband or Boyfriend is Gonna F**k Up Day’ or as men celebrate it ‘Shit What Do I Buy Day’ or as my husband knows it now ‘I Slept With a Whore Now My Wife Is Likely To Kill Me Day’ I like to call it ‘I Hope The Whore Chokes on a Heart Shaped Chocolate Day’.
I have baked my cupcakes, dipped my pretzels in white chocolate and sprinkled them with pink sugar, and am now getting ready to head to town to buy flowers for my middle son’s girlfriend. I hate this holiday but I won’t let my issues affect my kids.
I will resist the urge to run my arm down the aisle and watch the heart-shaped boxes full of chocolate fall to the floor. I won’t rip up cards in the card aisle making pink and red confetti cover the floor. I won’t pop all the stupid heart-shaped balloons, sucking out the helium and singing “Love Hurts, Love Bleeds…it frigging sucks!!” In my best Alvin and the Chipmunks Screamo voice. I won’t start beating men over the head with roses as they check out, yelling at them “Did you buy those chocolates for your wife or whore?” I will keep all my hate and bitterness inside today.
Happy V-Day whore…I hope you get VD and your pee burns like the hell I have lived in. I hope you get a huge sore on your lip, that takes over the side of your face. I hope you gain another 20lbs and another roll on your stomach. I hope you get a thorn from your flowers in your crooked fat little fingers.
I hate this artificial made up holiday. I’m going to go download Grand Theft Auto’s Valentine Massacre on my kids’ X-box, turn up some Miranda Lambert and drink Bloody Mary’s in my PJs’ till either my kids find me or I’ve passed out.