Sometimes I find myself having a moment with my husband…
You know the moments I’m talking about…Where you are watching your kids play. When you laugh together. A memory comes up between you. One of the million ‘moments’ which arise from being together for over 20 years. I used to think those moments proved we were soul mates, meant to be together forever. Now I know those moments don’t mean shit, honestly they mean nothing at all. I could share them with my friends, my kids, hell my fat corgi whom I’ve known for 14 years. The moments which rise up now make me raise my shield around my heart when I’m with him.
I don’t want to be tied to him like I once was, I don’t want the feelings anymore. At least my friends I trust (Okay most of them, sometimes I attract crazies who are…well crazy.). My kids? I know are going to be a part of my life forever, no matter if they like it or not, they are stuck with me. My fat 14-year-old corgi? She has never hurt me, and she’s smarter than most men. Those are people I don’t mind having a moment with,but my husband scares me.
“Let him in again Kelly and he will hurt you!!!” Is what the voices in my head scream.
“Please don’t love him completely again!!!” Is what the voice in my heart pleads.
It is so stinking hard to let down your guard and have a moment with someone you don’t trust. To let them back into your inner circle of people you allow to know you. I don’t open up to people easily…issues from childhood left me with adult issues. I felt like growing up if I wasn’t perfect I would be gotten rid of, I would be left, and it gave me issues. I spent my adult life feeling like I had to be the perfect mom and wife, I was driven with the issues I had left from a broken childhood. The irony is I had thought I had found the one person who would love me no matter what.
No matter if I was sad, or mad. If I was crazy or sane. If I was happy or depressed. If I was fat or skinny. If I was funny or mean. If I was talkative or quiet. No matter what, he was going to love me and never leave me…I could just be me. It was amazing to have someone love you like that, to make you feel like you were good enough. Then he started being demanding, and mean. If the kids were being jerks (which teenage boys can often be) it was because I wasn’t a good enough mom. The meals I made were never quite enough, he’d tell me I should add this or that, to make them better. The house was never clean enough, even if I spent a week preparing for him to come home and scrubbed the floors by hand. The animals were always okay, but if I’d do things his way they’d be better. If I mowed the whole yard, and put in a new walkway? He’d tell me I should have hired someone to put in the walkway because it wasn’t level…I spent two years being told I was lacking while the truth of the matter was…HE WAS LACKING. HE WAS N’T BEING A GOOD HUSBAND OR FATHER.
My worst childhood nightmare of being kicked to the curb if I wasn’t perfect? It came true…and it flipping hurt. I wish I had never been given the false hope of there being people out there who love you no matter what…because at least growing up I never let my guard down, I never believed I could just be ME…I knew I wasn’t good enough.
He gave me false hope by loving me once, by making me believe in forever.
The old saying “It’s better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all”? It’s bullshit…I’d have rather never have loved than to be fed shit and lied to, to be made to feel like nothing, to be tossed aside as easily as a whore spreads her legs…
I don’t want to have moments with him, I don’t know if I can ever have them again without an ache in the pit of my stomach…
So tell me my sweet friends…How do you share a life with someone, who every time your eyes meet and you start to smile, a voice in your head reminds you “Don’t trust him!! Don’t let him in!!”?