I Stopped Loving You Today

Most hateful thing I ever said to my husband?

“What can I do to make it better?” He had asked in the first week after Dday.

“Go drive your truck off a bridge and kill yourself, so I can mourn my husband who already died!!” Was my answer.

Looking back I could make a thousand excuses for my words, but I’m not going to. I’m sure if ‘the whore’ or ‘bat shit crazy’ read this they would say “See she is a hateful crazy bitch!! We told you all so!!” To them my answer would be “Neither of you have ever loved anyone so much that the loss of them drove you crazy!! And go crawl back under your rock before I kick your fat ass!!”

I should apologize for my words to my husband, but I won’t. Why? Because I meant them at the time, and even now, sane (well sanely insane), I get why I said them. My husband died and I was the only one mourning him.

I was 19 when I met my husband, the age of my oldest son, only a baby myself. From the moment I met him at a college party, till the moment I read the letter I loved him. I had been a loyal wife, respected my wedding vows, and meant it when I said “Forsaking all others, till death do us part.” I stood before my family, my oldest son when I said those vows, wearing my mother’s wedding dress with my sister by my side. I promised to love him, and I did till the day he died.

The man I loved died, and he left me alone with a man who looked like him, sounded like him, but who I knew in my heart wasn’t him for two years. And all I wanted was for the doppelgänger who had taken his place, to die so I could lay my husband to rest in peace. I wanted the nightmare to be over, and someone to wake me up and say “Kelly I’m so sorry he’s dead!!” And I would say “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone!! He’s dead, and nobody would listen!!”

Do you know what it’s like to have your husband die and you can’t mourn him? Everyone acts like life just goes on…you are in mourning and people are making random chit-chat about cows and the weather. You are trying to mourn in peace and a whore keeps calling and texting you, asking you what your husband got you for Christmas, and you are in mourning.

I never got a casserole, or a flower arrangement from anyone when my husband died. I never got to say goodbye or have a last moment with him. I opened my mailbox and pulled out a letter and was told “Hey by the way your college sweetheart, the love of your life? He’s dead, thought you’d want to know.”

I miss him so much that at times I wish I had died too. I sit beside the man who took his place and I feel like I’m the one cheating. I used to dream he’d come home like in the movies, and beat the shit out of my ‘husband’ and then grab me and say…

“How could you ever think I’d do that? How could you believe that was me?”

The man I feel in love with at 19, the one I loved for 20 years? He died and I just wish I could mourn him in peace. I wish he’d have gotten the funeral he deserved with a day filled in memory of the man and father he was. He died and I was the only one who noticed.

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17 Responses to I Stopped Loving You Today

  1. I can relate to every word you wrote. I am mourning the loss of my husband too, it is a grieving process but in some ways it’s worse because I have to continue to live with the betrayal, knowing my husband is still having an unlawful relationship with another woman.
    My best friend died of meningitis when I was 19, I went through the grieving process then and still miss her every day, many of the emotions and feelings I have now are the same as those feelings – however, there’s the added torture of knowing he is still having a relationship with his OW somewhere, doing things I should be doing with my husband, which makes me physically sick. So no, even though that man I fell in love with and married no longer exists, I cannot fully grieve his passing either.

  2. pabloswife says:

    It absolutely is a grieving process. Our husbands died the day they decided to stick their dicks in some whore!

    I read a posting from a betrayed wife recently who said that she met her husband when he was 17 or 18 (like me) and so they had really grown up together. That she put up with his snoring and farting and burping and all the other things that annoyed her because she remembered him doing them as a young man and that they were part of him, part of her husband. She wrote that she is now married to an almost 50 year old man with middle aged spread, who fucked a whore, burps, farts and snores and that those things don’t seem quite so endearing now. And I totally get it! If I have to have a new husband because the old one died, I want a new and improved one!

    I often wonder, and I haven’t yet asked, whether my husband felt comfortable doing all those things in front of the whore, or was he on his best behavior? I bet he never stank out the toilet of the hotel room where they fucked thats for sure. She’d have run a mile!!

  3. biancabenz says:

    Thank you for posting this.
    Last year, I was the “other woman”, and I blog about my side. It’s interesting to come across and see your side. In fact, your story – I’m sure – would so closely align with his wife’s it’s ridiculous. The thing is, he told me they were separated beyond any repair, it was a mutual decision, they’d tried counselling. I worked with him, so I’d known him for a year and it seemed to add up. I didn’t have reason to question it because I felt he didn’t have a reason to lie. I was so wrong…
    It turned out what I was chasing was also the doppelgänger of who he was. He knew all the right things to say and do … but at the end of the day, he wasn’t that person. He started that person – he did. Believe me! I thought I was a princess! He brought me everything. He drove me everywhere. He bent over backwards to spend time with me. He made a million promises about the future and how it would be. And it took a long time for his lies (even to me) to come to light. Sometimes the “other woman” is a victim as much as the wife.
    Our relationship faded to black until he became abusive. Physically and psychologically. It was the psychological side that was worse. I nightmare every single night. Constant threats. I went to the police and they did nothing but call him … which sent him into a rage. He made it his mission to push and pull until he could “prove” he was “scared” of me and being “harassed”. He got a restraining order against me.
    I was left dizzy from it all – what just happened?
    Getting a restraining order meant he had to prove he had a fear of violence – a very bold move because I was far from violent! He got the police to act on his behalf. In the report, it was all lies. But there was one truth which he had CCTV footage of. One technicality that held me up. I put his windscreen wiper blades up in a fit of rage. Big mistake.
    He got the restraining order for a quarter of the time he wanted – but I’m glad he got it. Because it was all his lies, and even having them on print before me, showing me that not only would he lie to his wife, to me but also to authorities, that brought the truth to surface about who he really was. And that was a scary truth I needed to face.
    I consented without admission, which means he could have the restraining order but I wasn’t saying I did it. Which was how I felt at the time anyway. I got what I needed from it and clearly so did he.
    I had moved into my apartment back in February last year. He moved in about two months after me … back then, that was meant to show me his love and loyalty to me. (Note: Three months later (back in August) his wife called and told me he was going to her the whole time and she knew about me the whole time. I couldn’t believe he’d do that to me and all his lies. I had a complete break down. I walked out of work and it took me three months to rehabilitate to return. During that time I took him back, obviously…) So the day of the court hearing where I consented, I packed all my things into boxes and moved to another apartment. I had broken my lease five days earlier knowing my intent. I’d already changed phone number, so he had no way of contacting me. He didn’t know me anymore.
    Three days later, I got an email from him wishing me a happy birthday. How would his wife had felt if she knew?? Despite the restraining order (which – no offence – I know was partly a bribe – get it or you won’t see your kids again – because she had threatened me with it in August when he went back … until she allegedly held a knife to him, and then he came back to me. Don’t I kick myself every day for taking him back??!). I’m sure she sees the restraining order as a sign of his love and loyalty to her. But I’m silenced. I want to scream and tell her to watch out – but I can’t even warn her. That’s what he wanted.
    So to stop this happening to any “other woman”, I shared some of the story about the controlling situation I was in, in a self-development blog I keep (separately to this one) and he saw it and left comment on how I deserved it and that I shouldn’t keep my blog etc. It made me laugh because him posting that comment made it even more clear what situation I was in and he was still trying to control me. And it completely revealed him for who he was.
    So now I’m researching into it all and I can see he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Badly. And I’m also mourning the loss of the most special relationship I’d ever had, but I can see how it was never going to get better for me and that this was my price for freedom. I am a little scared – because I have no protection and I was the one that needed it. I know he is also biding his time and he will come looking for me. I’m just scared of what he’s going to do when he finds me. In fact, I’m nearly certain that he has sent other people to watch me on his behalf. So although moved, I’m almost a prisoner in my own home!
    I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me because I can see your side clearly. And as “the other woman” I had no right to be there. But he told me they were separated and I thought I was doing the right thing by him. Can’t help who you fall in love with… I wish you could! But know this – the “other woman” only gets the shards of what you had. They also only have the doppelgänger. And they could be getting fed as many lies – if not more – than what you were.
    Not even a month later from all the moving and court proceedings etc., a man from my work approached me. (I’ve lost a lot of weight from all the stress – down three dress sizes, so it’s obvious.) He asked if I was ok and asked me for a drink … on Valentines Day. In fact, he was quite insistent that I didn’t spend it alone.
    I told a couple of my friends in the office and they both had the same reaction “Wait … isn’t he married?” I just got angry. Is there a neon flashing light above my head saying “Married men ONLY”?? I confronted him and told him what happened to me in the past year and told him I’m not really up for it again. EVER! He said he had liked me from the first time he saw me at a charity event where I was working with my father (awkward!) and he couldn’t help it – it was my personality, my smile, everything about me… I’m like an angel. I told him to go back to his wife and kids. As bluntly as that.
    In reflection, I regret even confronting him because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why married men are attracted to me … what matters is my response to them. But it makes me think, if this is what’s ahead, then I never want to get married. EVER! I never want to be in your shoes to feel the pain you must feel.
    I’m sorry for your situation. And all I can say is, I openly promise this: I will never EVER date a married or “separated” man for the rest of my existence. In fact, I won’t even touch a divorced man. It was never my interest and it’s not going to start. I was just naive and stupid! I can’t wait to be finished paying for my mistakes.
    Thank you for keeping this blog. My blog will reopen at the end of July.
    Take care xx

    • I’m sorry for the pain and fear you have had, but I will also say this: separated is still married. Separated means there is a wife, children, a marriage and a family all hoping and praying for reconciliation. Stepping in and taking what is “almost” available is very wrong. You can’t help who you fall in love with? Yes you can!! Perhaps learning this will help you form a healthy relationship in the future. If a man is not single, walk away. Relationships take time and attention to build. Do not give that time to a married man, and the bond won’t form. It really is that easy. It’s called will power and integrity. Lastly, don’t be too quick to blame the wife for his decisions. Men that are willing to lie and cheat and have a relationship built on that dubious foundation, are the same ones that never intend to leave their marriage. Not on day one or one hundred and one. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that he could lie to you, he was certainly lying to her and that was his relationship of choice. Is there a neon sign? That’s a great question, and I would encourage you to explore it with a therapist. Maybe you have built this as a reputation or maybe you need to work on self esteem and put out a better vibe to those men just looking for fun on the side. You deserve more and better for yourself. I think very few women would actually be content to be the OW forever.

      • I missed you Grace 🙂 Only thing I’d add is “If the wife is ‘crazy’ I wonder how she got that way? Could it be she was perfectly sane baking her cookies and shit for her kids then one day she found out her husband was cheating with a co-worker (who knew he was married) and went a little insane? Her whole world fell to pieces and she went crazy? Who’d have thunk it?? Next time do the wife a favor…call her and ask ‘Are you seperated?’ It will save everyone a lot of grief” …Hope this finds you well Grace I’ve been worrying about you and sending good thoughts your way 🙂

      • biancabenz says:

        Yes, I agree that perhaps there were things I could have done differently and I have certainly learned from my situation and they’re lessons that I’m putting into practice… not because of your advice, I didn’t come here for that – but thanks…
        The person I was with was extremely controlling, which is generally the case in domestic violence situations. He lived with me for a few months before moving into his own apartment in my block. Why would I think he was lying to her? He had left her! As far as I knew, they hadn’t lived together in over a year and he had filed for divorce.
        He was a narcissist. Do you know what that is? There’s a good post about it actually, that I came across – you should check it out: http://letmereach.com/2014/02/22/how-you-became-the-other-woman.
        Do you not think I wanted to contact his wife? Do you not think I tried??
        Look at you both! Look how angry you are… would you talk calmly to someone who called you to ask if you had intent on fixing your marriage or not? I don’t think so!
        I came here to share the other side with you and your followers. An insight that not many “other women” give. Why? Because I wanted you to know the reality – the grass isn’t greener on the other side as you all assume! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here sharing it because I’m gloating or proud. I was trying to help and give you some level of closure by offering some insight into the “other side”.
        For you guys to openly attack me? OK, I understand you’re angry. But you’re not angry at me. I wasn’t with your husband! So don’t judge me.
        Thank you for the sharp lesson in why the “other woman” never shares their story.

      • Bianca, I don’t read any of my original comment as “angry”. It is CERTAINLY not an attack. I think you are reading a painful truth that hits too close to home, and you are calling it anger. I don’t know you and have no reason to personally dislike you. I DO dislike what you did. It was wrong. No excuses. He was married. You don’t know what he told her about their separation. They may have agreed to try and work things out in the interim. They may have agreed to stay faithful to each other in the meantime. My point is, only the two people in a marriage know the whole truth. If you choose to insert yourself into that, sometimes you get the horns. That’s usually what happens when you choose to bottom feed off of someone else’s marriage. If you are only attracting married men, then you are putting off a very bad vibe indeed.

        Your AP may well be a narcissist, but that realization came later. As did the realization that he was abusive. Had you done the right thing, and told him……I don’t date married men. When you are divorced and available, see if I am still around, you would have saved yourself a lot of pain and heartache. Making good choices usually brings good things. Most men do NOT show respect to the women that are being their whores. At the end of the day that is saved for the woman whose actions deserve respect……their wife.

        I am quite familiar with narcissism. My husband’s AP has it in spades, along with a few other diagnoses we won’t go in to here. She chose and pursued him knowing he was married and when he dumped her, she went bunny boiler. She stalked and harassed both me and my older two children on various social media sites. She tried to ruin our lives in every possible way, until her OWN attorney had enough of her crazy and dropped her.

        I will repeat. My reply was in no way intended as an attack on you. Am I angry about what MY husband did? Absolutely. But he is working his tail off to make things right. I feel blessed by that. I am well aware the grass isn’t greener on your side. I would respectfully remind you that the grass isn’t always dead and brown on our side. If you feel attacked, you need to look inside yourself. Your conscience is trying to tell you something. I am always open to having a discussion with an other woman, because maybe it will prevent another wife from being torn apart. Maybe someone else’s kids would be hurt as mine have been. I have had many such discussions. But I am not here for “closure”. I am here to give and receive support as I walk the broken road of infidelity, and to share the ups and downs of rebuilding our marriages. I don’t judge PEOPLE, I judge ACTIONS. Right and wrong exists in this world, and when I am in doubt I pick up my bible and I double check. I am also a woman who knows that people make mistakes and need forgiveness in this world. I will pray for you and hope you find peace. If you are coming here to get into an argument or get your hackles up when someone speaks truth to you? Move on. Because while I extend forgiveness, I will always, always speak truth.

      • Boo, thanks for thinking of me friend, it’s been a tough week. I have felt and needed every good thought. You make a very good point. The stress of suspecting his affair DID make me feel crazy. Mostly when I was being TOLD I was for suspecting anything, LOL. They drove me into a depression, and then when I couldn’t keep up perfectly with the house and laundry……..well, that was held up as proof that I was a bad wife. The stress led to bleeding ulcers, stomach polyps and extreme nausea. I found out later she bashed me for “abusing” ulcer meds. A non-addictive, necessary medication taken as prescribed by my doctor. NICE!!

      • Bianca, I will add only one more thing. It’s interesting that you came over here to “help” us. Read all of our comments, and Boo’s blog. But your OWN blog is marked private. When you dart out behind the walls of a private blog to read someone else’s blog and their followers comments………you probably aren’t the one being attacked.

  4. The fact that you think you are being attacked just shows your lack of maturity or plain ole’ common sense…You come to a blog about a wife’s recovery from her husband’s affair and comment. You tell your story wanting sympathy and understanding, while saying the wife in the family you helped break up was crazy and painting yourself the victim. You should have read my WHOLE blog before posting…we forgive on here and we never ever judge, but we don’t do women who play whiny victims, EVER…and Grace has been through more shit than you could ever imagine and has more strength and class than anyone I know, you could learn a LOT from her…but instead you will continue to whine and cry how abused you were by your married boyfriend, that’s what mistresses do and that’s why you have been approached by married men, not because you are so beautiful that they can’t keep their hands off you but because you are stupid…and btw now you have been ‘attacked’.

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Dear Boo, way to go !!!

  6. Hugs to you Grace…I hope this week is better 🙂

  7. youwillneverbeme says:

    Kelly u really do know how we all feel and you put it so beautifully. Such a moving post.
    I’m mourning too , I didn’t recognise it at first until my therapist asked me how I felt . To which I replied ‘I feel like he’s dead’ the therapist said that to me he is and that it’s the same pain we feel when someone does actually die, sometimes ( if at all possible ) worse because although the person is dead to you they are still actually alive. To everyone else. Like u I had a love story too , a fairy tale marriage , one day it was there and the next it was gone .

    I am working through your story at the moment, I am finding comfort in your words ,( like the things I want to say , scream and right are already there ) this week has been so hard for me .

    I feel like I could of written most of your posts myself apart from the fact I don’t have any prize winning pigs 🙂 xx but I wish I did , iv always wanted a pig heehee)

    • It’s all a process and grief is a part…hardest for me acceptance and letting go.

      Just always remember every step you take forward or backward is progress as long as you keep trying to learn and heal. Trying is all anyone of us can do.

  8. Erin says:

    I feel like you wrote my thoughts. Have you recovered. I’m desperately hoping I do soon! I keep thinking the same it’s a death but he’s still walking around screwing with my head.

    • Have I recovered? Honestly? I think we are like AA and will always be in recovery, always recovering…Does it get easier? Yes, but like death, nothing but time can help ease the pain. I wish I could tell you I had a cure, but I don’t.

      Hugs and good thoughts being sent your way, keep breathing, keep walking towards the light in your darkness and one day I promise it will get better.

  9. brokenjoan says:

    I agree Kelly, I think after an affair the road to recovery is a never ending journey for all concerned even the betrayer! Time does ease some of the crazy, but like I told someone else I’ve said fuck so many times over the last 2 years that my dogs even run when I say it!!!

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