Most hateful thing I ever said to my husband?
“What can I do to make it better?” He had asked in the first week after Dday.
“Go drive your truck off a bridge and kill yourself, so I can mourn my husband who already died!!” Was my answer.
Looking back I could make a thousand excuses for my words, but I’m not going to. I’m sure if ‘the whore’ or ‘bat shit crazy’ read this they would say “See she is a hateful crazy bitch!! We told you all so!!” To them my answer would be “Neither of you have ever loved anyone so much that the loss of them drove you crazy!! And go crawl back under your rock before I kick your fat ass!!”
I should apologize for my words to my husband, but I won’t. Why? Because I meant them at the time, and even now, sane (well sanely insane), I get why I said them. My husband died and I was the only one mourning him.
I was 19 when I met my husband, the age of my oldest son, only a baby myself. From the moment I met him at a college party, till the moment I read the letter I loved him. I had been a loyal wife, respected my wedding vows, and meant it when I said “Forsaking all others, till death do us part.” I stood before my family, my oldest son when I said those vows, wearing my mother’s wedding dress with my sister by my side. I promised to love him, and I did till the day he died.
The man I loved died, and he left me alone with a man who looked like him, sounded like him, but who I knew in my heart wasn’t him for two years. And all I wanted was for the doppelgänger who had taken his place, to die so I could lay my husband to rest in peace. I wanted the nightmare to be over, and someone to wake me up and say “Kelly I’m so sorry he’s dead!!” And I would say “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone!! He’s dead, and nobody would listen!!”
Do you know what it’s like to have your husband die and you can’t mourn him? Everyone acts like life just goes on…you are in mourning and people are making random chit-chat about cows and the weather. You are trying to mourn in peace and a whore keeps calling and texting you, asking you what your husband got you for Christmas, and you are in mourning.
I never got a casserole, or a flower arrangement from anyone when my husband died. I never got to say goodbye or have a last moment with him. I opened my mailbox and pulled out a letter and was told “Hey by the way your college sweetheart, the love of your life? He’s dead, thought you’d want to know.”
I miss him so much that at times I wish I had died too. I sit beside the man who took his place and I feel like I’m the one cheating. I used to dream he’d come home like in the movies, and beat the shit out of my ‘husband’ and then grab me and say…
“How could you ever think I’d do that? How could you believe that was me?”
The man I feel in love with at 19, the one I loved for 20 years? He died and I just wish I could mourn him in peace. I wish he’d have gotten the funeral he deserved with a day filled in memory of the man and father he was. He died and I was the only one who noticed.