Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Hope is hard.

Hope used to be easy, as easy as breathing. I Kelly, was an optimist…maybe the last optimist left in Oklahoma.

Drought and no grass?

“It will rain soon, we will make it till fall” I’d tell my panicking Father in law.

Flooding and loosing calves to the high creek waters? It would stop raining soon,

“Just think of the hay this year” I’d say with a smile.

Hot summer days in triple digits? 

“It’ll be winter soon enough..” I’d say on my way to pick blackberries for jam. 

Ice storms would hit and cover every surface with inches of ice. I walked outside sliding down our back steps, the ice-covered grass crunching under my boots.

“It’s so stinking pretty!! Look at the trees and fences!!” I’d laugh rubbing my sore butt. And it was, it was breath taking…the sunshine hitting the ice-covered branches, and every barb on the wire glittering, beaming with light. 

My house is surrounded with knock out roses, not one or two but dozens. From October to April they are bare and as my oldest son would say “Sketchy as Hell”. I wait each winter, walking past each day, for the first bud, the first leaf to appear. Most people would plant a couple, and use something with foliage to space in between. Not me, I never minded the wait because I knew come spring my yard would be covered in pink, red, and yellow blooms.

All the hard times in our marriage were answered the same way. 

Broke and a baby on the way? 

“It’s just a baby…” I’d say with a smile.

My husband leaving for eight weeks for his job, which meant me alone with four kids, a farm and Father in law who traveled weekly.

“Time will fly by…” I’d whisper to my husband with a kiss.

Our oldest son in a wreck.

“It could have been worse, he’s okay and he will never drive sleepy again.” I’d assure my mad husband.

When his grandpa died, and his heart was broken…my heart was crushed because I LOVED that man, more than any words can ever describe, I LOVED him. He made me the ‘tough I can do anything a man can do farm hand’ I was. He accepted me as family and LOVED me as his. I miss him every time I check a fence, doctor a calf, or eat a pecan. But for my husband I sat my grief aside and told him…

“He loved you, and was so proud of you. You will see him again.” I hugged him and held him as he cried. Rocking him as I would Lou.

I had hope, and an optimism which always whispered “Dark will become light, wrong will be right, and everything is gonna be okay.”

Of all the things my husband’s affair took from me…my self confidence, my sanity, my trust, my heart, my happy…I miss my optimism the most.

Hope is hard. 


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5 Responses to Somewhere Over the Rainbow

  1. pabloswife says:

    Those rose bushes will soon be blooming again Kelly 🙂

    You don’t give yourself enough credit… you are so full of optimism! In light of all you’ve been tho, all you were put thro!! You crushed that can can whore, you!! You have all your kids (and everyone else’s it would seem!) around you, loving you and you have your husband doing what he can to let you know he loves you and he’s sorry for being an ass!

    Your cup isn’t half empty, it’s half full. Keep doing what you’re doing and it will only get more full xx

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly you still have that optimism, look at the song title, it’s a song full of hope, somewhere over the rainbow, a land where “troubles melt like lemon drops.” That proves you can’t keep a strong woman down, I see some softer song titles in your future!😍 XO Joan

  3. Maria says:

    Never stop hoping! It’s what keeps us going…. knowing that it can (should) only get better from here. Cheers to keeping the hope alive, hugs!

  4. 1myr says:

    That brought tears to my eyes. Here’s hoping we can all find hope again.

  5. Frazzled says:

    I understand I often mourn the person I was for she is gone for good in her place is a shell of myself it’s been almost a decade a few years shy of it I wait for her but she has died like you said and I try everyday and I get through but our life is and never will be the same our love is there but it no longer shines it’s darkened with questions is he here because he loves me or because he thinks he has to be? I am no longer fun at all and my in laws are all good friends with HER and I feel like I don’t belong at all 😔

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