I’m watching Steel Magnolias, I know I shouldn’t …
Pisses me off, I can’t watch old favorite shows. You see them with new eyes after an affair….Shelby wants to grow old with Jackson and sit on the back porch surrounded by babies. It’s a good dream Shelby, I once had the same dream.
My middle son was almost named Jackson, I loved this movie. Now I sit here with it paused waiting for the knot in my stomach to let up, if it does I will finish watching, if not? I will write or read, anything to make the ache in my stomach fade.
My husband thinks I should be over this part, the constant triggers, he thinks I should be healed. I think he should be thankful I have better control over them or he’d be dead, buried in an unmarked grave while I told everyone he’s in the bathroom or away on business. I think I could have gotten away with it, but instead I deal…every second of every day, I deal with the triggers so he can continue to breath.
I wish he had the triggers for one day, one stinking day. After one I think he’d be taking antidepressants by the handful. He’d be crazy and mean…it’s like if men were the ones to bear children, every family would have just one. I have had three children without pain medicine, I am tough and I know how to fight through pain. If I’d have had the affair I think my husband would have left…I don’t think he would have been able to look at me every single stinking day.
I made a choice to stay…to fight. Sometimes I get tired, I get worn down by ALL the triggers. I get beaten down by the voices and memories which scream constantly in my head.
He wants me to be healed…I just want to watch a movie in peace.