Bulletproof

I’m watching Steel Magnolias, I know I shouldn’t …

 

Pisses me off, I can’t watch old favorite shows. You see them with new eyes after an affair….Shelby wants to grow old with Jackson and sit on the back porch surrounded by babies. It’s a good dream Shelby, I once had the same dream. 

 

My middle son was almost named Jackson, I loved this movie. Now I sit here with it paused waiting for the knot in my stomach to let up, if it does I will finish watching, if not? I will write or read, anything to make the ache in my stomach fade. 

 

My husband thinks I should be over this part, the constant triggers, he thinks I should be healed. I think he should be thankful I have better control over them or he’d be dead, buried in an unmarked grave while I told  everyone he’s in the bathroom or away on business. I think I could have gotten away with it, but instead I deal…every second of every day,  I deal with the triggers so he can continue to breath. 

 

I wish he had the triggers for one day, one stinking day. After one I think he’d be taking antidepressants by the handful. He’d be crazy and mean…it’s like if men were the ones to bear children, every family would have just one. I have had three children without pain medicine, I am tough and I know how to fight through pain. If I’d have had the affair I think my husband would have left…I don’t think he would have been able to look at me every single stinking day. 

 

I made a choice to stay…to fight. Sometimes I get tired, I get worn down by ALL the triggers. I get beaten down by the voices and memories which scream constantly in my head. 

 

He wants me to be healed…I just want to watch a movie in peace.

 

 

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6 Responses to Bulletproof

  1. He has no idea how lucky he is that you CHOSE to stay! Betrayal is a cancer and recovery from it takes a long time.

    My favorite line: I think he should be thankful I have better control over them or he’d be dead, buried in an unmarked grave…

    You could tell him that he should be very careful what he wishes for…you could be “over it”–over HIM. He needs to stop being so selfish!

    xxoo

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Sending good thoughts your way Kelly, since my husbands’ affair it seems even tv has more shows about cheating! Years ago my daughter & I went to see the movie, Sex In The City, after she found out about her dads’ affair, she brought the tape of that movie over & told me to watch it, I thought why does she want me to watch it again, well she kept after me to watch it, well when I did I was surprised that one of the main characters’ husband had cheated on her! Why was I surprised? Because years ago when I first saw that movie I paid no attention to that part of the movie, because of course that would never happen to me, my husband would never cheat on me, he loved & respected me too much to ever do that! I will never be that smug again! Back to the movie, she wanted me to see it again because the couple stay together. I hope all of us get that happy ending! XO Joan

  3. Katie says:

    No disrespect, but Fuck Him. He wants you to get past it? I am sure if you’d had a choice in this situation, you’d have wanted him to not have an affair. But no one consulted you, did they? You will heal with time and when you are good and ready. Until then, fuck him.

    And no pain meds? Geez, woman. You are a stronger lady than I, by leaps and bounds. Harness that strength and try to keep from killing him 🙂

    • He wants me to stop hurting, he wants me to heal, but it’s not so easy. None of this is easy, and he struggles watching the aftermath of his actions.

      Four kids, and only the first one was pain med free on purpose. I loved the epidural with my second son (I’d take them in a six pack)…kids 3 and 4 I waited too long to go to the hospital, all they had time to do was wash their hands and catch lol.

  4. Poppy says:

    They all want us to be healed. And ASAP. You are right Kelly, let them walk a mile in our shoes!….

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