Basket Case

The issues I have now could fill a book…

Not a flimsy paper back either, one of the thousand page novels only a book lover could wade through. I’m a mess, a sometimes loveable, always crazy mess. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so self-aware. I wish I was delusional, and could fool myself into being happy. I wish I was stupid, but even when I am, the voices in my head scream at me. 

“Quit being so f**king stupid!!” Angry Kelly screams.

“Let’s sit down and think this through…would you like a cup of tea?” My inner psychiatrist Bob advises.

“Let’s drive to Alaska and have some ‘fun’ …” Crazy Kelly suggests .

“I just want to be loved…” Sad Kelly whines. 

All of the voices are going crazy this week because my husband is being overly nice. It’s been a crazy month, lots of company, chaos and running to shows and sales. My whole family is exhausted, we are worn out. It means we are all cranky and for me it means I’m having problems with my wall staying up. 

My wall keeps my sadness at bay, it allows me to function, to have ‘normal’ days. It has to be constantly maintained, otherwise triggers and obsessive thoughts leak through.

 

He’s being overly nice because he feels it. The sorrow, the pain oozing through the cracks. His being nice is like salt in my wounds…it hurts like hell. How’s that for crazy? His being nice, trying to make me smile, makes me cringe. I feel like a bitch but I can’t help it.

Angry Kelly shouts “f**k him!!”

Bob asks “Have you tried taking a deep breath and hugging him?”

Crazy Kelly says “Can I knock him over the head with my bat and keep him in a dog crate in the basement?”

“I just want to be loved…” Whines Sad Kelly.

On a bright note my husband is being really nice…I just wish he hadn’t had an affair and drove me crazy so I could enjoy it.

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7 Responses to Basket Case

  1. I wish it was possible to pick up someone’s burden for awhile. I would gladly stand guard at your wall. If it helps, I’m crazy up and down too. It’s like spring is unleashing some weird dormant hormones I thought were gone. Nope!

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, I know how you feel, for some reason things have been really bad the last week. I can’t get all the shit he said to her out of my head, sometimes I question why I am putting myself through this, especially if I’m never going to feel any better. One day at a time is really dragging me down. XO Joan

  3. Nephila says:

    Oh I get this. I do! He told me I was beautiful the other day. I smiled and said thanks and went on getting ready for work. In my head I was screaming “Pffft! A bit late to say that buddy after you slopped it to her by the bucketful for months all the while not even noticing me.”

    He’s really very loving now and it doesn’t make a dent. Too little too late? A matter of time? Doubting his sincerity? I don’t know.

    I know his words are devalued now after the cheap talk to her. Since I can see how much of what he said to her was just rote learning what she told him to tell her..I don’t know that he’s going to not sound fake again. And I wonder why she didn’t realise it was fake-sounding and coached. Or was she so ego-maniac it never occurred to her.

  4. ashestoohope says:

    It’s been one of those days for me too! I know exactly what you mean about the wall. The wall makes me feel safe! Prayers for you!

  5. i think crazy Kelly and I may be soul-mates….lol. Wish I’d thought of the whole dog-crate/basement thing months ago. Hang in there…time. It just takes a lot of e-f-f-ing time.

  6. Kelly, you are a woman of many emotions! That is the epitome of a REAL woman! Many facets and many emotions = a REAL WOMAN!

    I’d rather be a REAL WOMAN than a shallow whore any day.

    And I want a REAL MAN than a rutting pig. Is that too much to ask for?

  7. pabloswife says:

    I think all the Kelly’s and of course Bob are right… just in the wrong order! You should give him a light swipe around the head with the bat, put him in the crate in the basement for a couple of days, take him out, hug him then fuck him 😀

    That way, you’ll all be happy!

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