The issues I have now could fill a book…
Not a flimsy paper back either, one of the thousand page novels only a book lover could wade through. I’m a mess, a sometimes loveable, always crazy mess. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so self-aware. I wish I was delusional, and could fool myself into being happy. I wish I was stupid, but even when I am, the voices in my head scream at me.
“Quit being so f**king stupid!!” Angry Kelly screams.
“Let’s sit down and think this through…would you like a cup of tea?” My inner psychiatrist Bob advises.
“Let’s drive to Alaska and have some ‘fun’ …” Crazy Kelly suggests .
“I just want to be loved…” Sad Kelly whines.
All of the voices are going crazy this week because my husband is being overly nice. It’s been a crazy month, lots of company, chaos and running to shows and sales. My whole family is exhausted, we are worn out. It means we are all cranky and for me it means I’m having problems with my wall staying up.
My wall keeps my sadness at bay, it allows me to function, to have ‘normal’ days. It has to be constantly maintained, otherwise triggers and obsessive thoughts leak through.
He’s being overly nice because he feels it. The sorrow, the pain oozing through the cracks. His being nice is like salt in my wounds…it hurts like hell. How’s that for crazy? His being nice, trying to make me smile, makes me cringe. I feel like a bitch but I can’t help it.
Angry Kelly shouts “f**k him!!”
Bob asks “Have you tried taking a deep breath and hugging him?”
Crazy Kelly says “Can I knock him over the head with my bat and keep him in a dog crate in the basement?”
“I just want to be loved…” Whines Sad Kelly.
On a bright note my husband is being really nice…I just wish he hadn’t had an affair and drove me crazy so I could enjoy it.