Not so dark today my friends, it’s like clouds have lifted and beams of sunlight are finding their way down to me. I know I’m tired of having ‘bad days’, they are exhausting and crippling to my spirit.
Last year a few months after D-day, I was talking to my husband about my research…I’m the google queen, which helps my ‘have to know’ personality. I had googled and researched affair recovery, trying desperately to figure out how to heal. I found blogs and articles which talked about the process. All I really wanted to know at that time was “How to make the unbearable pain stop?” and “How long before I get my life back?”
The unbearable pain? It should stop in 3-5 years…some sites said I’d be over it in 10 x however long the affair lasted. So if your spouse had a two-week affair, you had twenty weeks of shit to wade through before you got to the other side of ‘shit creek’ and could rinse off and reclaim your life. In my case? Twenty f**king years of wading through shit!! I chose to not believe that article because…
1) I refuse to try and doggy paddle in shit for twenty years.
2) The article’s 10xs theory meant if your spouse had a one night stand you should be over it in a little over a week.
3) I don’t believe everyone heals at a steady 10xs the amount the affair lasted.
4) I have common sense.
So I think the 3-5 years is probably more accurate. The first year we wrap our heads around the facts of the affair. Year two we take baby steps toward healing. Year 3-5 we figure out how to forgive, and move on, and I think this amount depends on details of the affair, and how our partner helps us with their actions. If it takes me longer than five years I will give up and drown in shit creek, no one should paddle in the turds of infidelity for longer than that.
I also found out in my ‘research’, we don’t get our lives back. Our lives from before the affair are over, gone, ashes in the wind…you need to mourn it if you haven’t already, and let it go. You will never look at anything the same, you will never feel about your spouse the way you did before, and the person you were at the fiber of your being? They are dead, another causality of the affair.
My husband when told of the stats and research, replied with ” It won’t take you that long Kelly, I know you it won’t. You are stronger than most people, and a whole lot tougher than people think.”
My husband was wrong when he had the affair, he was also wrong when he said I was stronger and tougher than most. Affairs have a way of bringing strong people to their knees, making brave people into cowards, and turning tough people into blubbering messes. He was hoping I’d be back to ‘Kelly’ in a year…16 months later and I’m still swimming sometimes with the current but most the time against.