Forgiveness

I love people who think forgiveness is easy…you just decide to forgive and BAM it’s done. Magic fairies fly out of your ass with their wands, a couple of waves, a little magic fairy dust and you have forgiveness in your heart. I keep checking and checking but I don’t have any fairies up my ass.

I want to forgive, more than anything I WANT TO FORGIVE…I can’t yet and I wish I could. I struggle with the knowledge of his actions, of his selfishness. I struggle with the knowledge of his knowing the whole time what he was doing would destroy not only me but our kids.

In some days I tell myself “He is just a man”, and I grant him an excuse for his actions. I excused him because I let him be selfish and self-absorbed, to concentrate on his career, his hobbies before our family. I let him be the fun parent, the part-time father while I immersed myself in our family. I became the adult in his world, making sure his needs were met, and life ran smooth. All he had to do was go to work.

He would often tell me “I’ll trade you!!” when I would complain of doctoring animals, chasing kids, and being tired. I would shut up, because I knew the sacrifices he made working away from home…how lonely and hard it would be.

Am I bitter now of the lies he told? Of the ways he got to spend his nights? Going to bars, having dinners with a whore, playing house while I was tending his real house? I want to ‘play’ house where there isn’t dirty laundry, dirty dishes, sick kids, constant bills, kids with needs, chores every day…I want to get off work at 5 and go play pretend…I want to be able to live a fantasy for months at a time instead of constantly living in reality.

I want to go back in time and when he’s being his asshole self and he smarts off “I’ll trade you!!” I will reply “Okay!!” and when he hangs up on me and goes to make dinner for the whore, his doorbell rings. The look on his face as he answered the door and standing there are his three teenage sons. One holds Lou, another has calves and pigs herded in the corner, and the third holds a big stack of bills.

“Where is your mom?” He would say in disbelief.

“She got a job” My oldest would say with a smirk, handing him a tired and crying Lou.

“And a boyfriend…” My youngest son would say with a laugh, brushing past his dad,” What’s for supper?”

“You figure out what to do with these,” my middle son let the animals scatter while stomping past in muddy shoes, leaving tracks across his apartment floor he hands his dad a note.

My husbands face turn red in anger as he sees the chaos in his life. He unfolds the note and reads the words written in red sharpie…

“Tell me when you want to trade back…have fun!!”

Maybe if I could have had a little revenge? Maybe if he could have traded me? Maybe if he hadn’t traded our happiness for his own? Maybe if he hasn’t slept with a whore?

Maybe I could forgive easier…Maybe??

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9 Responses to Forgiveness

  1. During the affair, his standard way to stop my questions regarding his relationship with his “co-worker” was to tell me “FINE!! I’ll quit my job and YOU go back to work and support us!!” I always backed meekly down. I truly love being a stay at home mom. I have always appreciated how hard he works to give me and the kids that life. But, like you I threw away my own needs in the process. I somehow came to feel he was far more entitled to……whatever. I owed him that in return for being the breadwinner. It fed into what would become a self-indulgent, selfish attitude. Sucks to be him, because he doesn’t get treated the king of the universe anymore. I’m sure he regrets what he threw away.

    • Grace it scares me sometimes how much our lives mirror each others. I feel like we should all four go to therapy together, so you can tell the story of your husbands affair and I can just chirp in “What she said” when it’s my turn. We would save a ton of money and tag team in and out when one gets tired of talking 🙂

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Make it or not, it will be without me pretending to forgive him, some things are unforgivable & this is at the top of my list! I will not be like some other women who say they forgive & then are still on these blogs years later still filled with rage! I feel I am being more honest with my husband by telling him I will never forgive him, I will try to work & stay in our marriage, but I cannot forgive! That being said I don’t think you have to forgive to move on, but that is just my opinion. I would be lying if I told him that I forgive him & one liar in the family is quite enough! XO Joan

  3. You are my hero! I haven’t posted about forgiveness – but I’m not going – I’m just going to repost this post. It says it all. I wish my wife could have read this months ago so she could understand why I have yet to forgive her.

    I too believe that forgiveness is earned – not given back. Especially after trust has been broken. And…if I may add, forgiveness is not an integral part of reconciliation. You can reconcile without my forgiveness – my wife tried that line way back when…she said:

    Wife: I can’t begin repairing our marriage if you don’t forgive me? What’s the point of me trying if you don’t forgive me?

    Me: Interesting. Any other demands you would like to make of me?

    I swear there is a cheaters handbook and they all read it before they decide to defile themselves and their marriages. Uggh…I feel dirty now.

  4. pabloswife says:

    iI know its been a few days since you posted this Kelly, but have you checked your ass lately? You never know when those fairies are gonna appear 🙂

    I’m not sure if I will ever be able to forgive my husband. I really don’t. I’m also not sure that I have to in order for us to make this marriage work. I don’t want to forgive him. I feel that if I say those words, the it means that it was somehow ok for him to fuck the pit faced whore. The dictionary’s definition of forgiveness is:

    for·give verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\
    : to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)

    : to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)

    : to stop requiring payment of (money that is owed)

    Hmmmm… I don’t know if I will ever not be angry about what he did;
    I don’t think I will ever not be able to blame him;
    He doesn’t owe me any money…

    He owes me soooo much more than that and quite frankly I don’t think he will ever be able to repay the debt!! That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. That I don’t envisage growing old with him. It doesn’t mean I can’t learn to trust him again. BUT I really don’t think I can forgive him. And you know what?? I’m fine with that.

    But should I find magic dust falling from my ass, I’ll be sure to check for those fairies you’re looking for and point them in your direction 🙂

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Dear Pabloswife, I feel the same way, I have never felt I can forgive my husband for what he did & I have never pretended otherwise, I have always from day one told him I would never forgive him. I also plan on trying to save my marriage, but I am more than fine with not forgiving! Even saying the word in the context of his cheating puts a bad taste in my mouth! I think he is lucky enough that I haven’t kicked his lying sorry ass out for good. If that sounds like an unforgiving hard ass, so be it, he knows I was never like this before, his cheating has changed me, I am not the sweet trusting wife I was before & I never will be again, but I’m fine with that, that’s how I will protect myself this time. I plan to hold my head high & my middle finger higher!!!!!!!!!!!

    • pabloswife says:

      Love it “not so broken Joan” 😀
      I’m fine with it too. Why would I even consider forgiving him?? I feel that by not forgiving him I’m holding onto my dignity. Go us!!!!

  6. Poppy says:

    Forgiving is so hard. My husband did something I could never imagine ever even contemplating – he decided to go down a path that lead to years of lies and deceit for me and our kids. He got to the point of no return and kept going – and going and going!

    I would love to forgive. I know I haven’t a chance in hell of forgetting but I would love to forgive. First I have to heal and find some modicum of TRUST again. That is what I’m struggling with. I look at him and I see someone capable of breaking my heart and his marriage vows. While I was home tending the kids. He too had a job with travel and he was often on the road.

    If I can trust, maybe forgiving will come.
    Please!

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