My husband asked about my blog the other day. I told him it was about ‘Forgiveness’, and he smiled at me.
“So I should forgive so and so from work for driving me nuts.” he replied.
I laughed a little bitterly and proceeded to read him the first paragraph. He was quiet after hearing it, and I smiled sadly over at him. “Forgiveness isn’t easy, and sometimes I think it’s just a fairy tale.”
After reading the replies from members in the ‘Betrayed Spouse Club’ I realized I hadn’t elaborated on why and what I want out of forgiveness.
I asked my sons to forgive their father, to let go of the hate they were carrying.
I watched hate grow in their hearts and it changed them.
If I’m being honest (and I try to be on here) I got a certain satisfaction in knowing they hated their dad…sad and pathetic I know…but it felt good.
I was the one they circled around to protect and it left him in the cold, by himself.
I got to see my husband plea for forgiveness from my oldest son, and tell him ‘his side’ of the story’, my son stood listening in silence, then looked at his dad and replied “It still doesn’t make it right” and walked away.
I felt them pulling away from him and embracing me and it was justice, my retribution, my ultimate revenge.
God whispered in my ear “How is knowingly letting hate grow in your sons’ hearts, any less selfish than what he did?”
“Right is right and wrong is wrong, and you should always do right no matter how hard.”
My words to my kids and yet I was letting wrong happen.
I was letting my anger and my hurt, harm my kids.
How was I being any different from my husband?
Because I had my ‘He had an affair card’, and it allowed me to be mad and crazy?
I knew I could either embrace wrong and walk down that path, dragging my children with me, or be a mom.
I have always believed as a mom, you don’t get to be selfish, or ever think of yourself first…you put your children first, no matter what.
I pulled my boys aside in the car, in their rooms, and told them I needed them to forgive their dad, to let go of the hate. I didn’t want them to carry hate around in their hearts. I let them know it was okay to forgive him, okay to love him, it didn’t mean they loved me any less. I gave them permission to forgive his hurt of me.
I have done a lot of wrong in my life, but I did good when it came to raising those boys.
I have watched over the last year as hate was replaced with hope, and hope became love.
They have formed new relationships with their dad, and they let go of the hate. THEY LET GO OF HATE…
I want to forgive for me,
I want to let go of the anger and hate.
I want to look at my husband without eyes clouded by hate.
I want a lighter heart, because the one I carry around now is heavy and it makes every step I take toward healing a struggle.
Hate and anger weigh you down.
I know I will never forget, and it’s a pain I will live with for the rest of my life. I hate what he did to me and my kids, but I’m so tired of hating him.
I want to be happy again, I want to laugh more and cry less, I want my heart to heal…it can’t heal if it’s full of hate.
I want to forgive for my kids sake, they deserve to have a mom who isn’t angry.
I want to forgive because I deserve peace.
I have to believe forgiveness is possible, because I refuse to be defined by his affair.
I have to hope with the help of my friends and God forgiveness is at the end of my path to healing.
“Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting”
– Dixie Chicks –