Love Song

My husband finally read ‘some’ of my blog.

I should leave the post at that….he did. For 5 months I have given him access to my diary, my inner thoughts, the voices who scream in my head, and he reads a little then has no comments. Well besides his standard “I think it’s great if it helps you heal.’

 

How could he read any post and have nothing to say? If I was reading them for the first time I’d have plenty to say. I’d probably be sad and a little mad…I have expressed a desire to beat him with a baseball bat and put him in a cage. Yet he has no comment? How can he read my grief, my frustration, my loudly expressed anger and not want to say something?

I don’t think he visits my blog very often, if ever after his first visit. If it was me? I’d visit every single day, if for no other reason than to see how my mood is, or who is in control of me today? If it’s crazy Kelly I’d put on a helmet if I was him, and walk on tip-toes. Angry Kelly? He might want to stay at his parents, or sleep in his car with the doors locked tight. Sad Kelly? Flowers and coffee with funny movies, and tons of kids over to shake the blues out of my skin. Can you imagine having an almost daily guide to your spouses moods, and needs? So why can’t he embrace it?

Maybe it’s because I’m a woman and I have a want to know personality. I’d read his blog if he had one, and question him on it everyday. I’d goggle words he used to find out if they have special meaning, I’d stalk people who commented on it, I’d have notices sent to my email so I’d know as soon as he wrote a word. Hell who am I kidding? I would figure out his password and read every single draft, ones he posted and ones he’d set aside…I’d want to know everything.

I know my words probably hurt him, and I wish I could feel bad, but I don’t. They hurt me when I write them, yet I write them…so why can’t he put on his big boy undies and read them? I want him to read them and then discuss them with me. I want him to tell me I’m a brilliant writer, or I’m bat shit crazy. I want him to read them and cry or laugh. I want him to ask me about something I wrote, and what he can do to make it better. I want him to realize most people aren’t a virtual open book, and how lucky he is to be able to know what I’m thinking. I’d give anything to know what was in his head, or his heart.

I guess I feel sometimes like I’m on this journey alone… I’m traveling around the world in my blog, and talk to hundreds of strangers a day, yet he won’t come along. Hell he won’t even answer if I call him.

As long as it’s helping me heal…” I wish it was helping US heal.

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12 Responses to Love Song

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, what can a mere woman do, “stupid is as stupid does” & and a man sure is & certainly does! XO Joan

  2. As a man who cheated and is trying everything in my power to help my wife head, I find it frustrating to hear of other men who seemingly do nothing and accept no responsibility in what they have done. I’d love to talk to these men and ask them why they don’t or can’t. I know I’ve been devastated emotionally and physically but I still throw every ounce of my energy to try and help my wife head. I read every hurtful text and email and shred of paper she writes. I wish she blogged. I cheated because off 100 reasons and i regret every single one. I won’t go down without a fight and i love my wife more than my own life. I just wish i had more men read my blog and understand the power we have to help our betrayed spouses heal. We may never fix what we did but we can help. I hope he learns the power of sharing and supporting you in your pain. I see the pain daily and i won’t turn my head from it. I caused it….nobody else. ME! I will never forget that nor do i want to. I want to still be suffering long after my wife has healed.

    I will you well….i survive by the love of my wife. I hope you find a way thru this.

    • He tries he does, if you read my whole blog you’d see he tries every day to repair what he broke. I just wish he could read my blog, like others said its probably because it hurts him too much.

  3. Kelly, I would venture to guess he is hesitant to read them because he feels shame. Let’s be honest, all our blogs are less than complimentary of our cheating husbands!

    It must be like reading a bad review in the newspaper of a movie you wrote, directed and starred in.

    Just my guess. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means he’s scared and ashamed.

    xox

  4. bamboozled1 says:

    i wouldnt want to read my blog if i were him!
    i sent him a couple of things… he read them… cried…
    but what more could he do than that? really?
    we want them to know our feelings, our experience…
    they dont want to know their part in ruining them…

    youre not alone, you have us 😀 butttttt, keep in mind, he might not be able to be the man he wants to be for you, that you want him to be for you… if hes constantly reminded, by you, of the one he was when he tipped your life on its head.

  5. pabloswife says:

    WOW… I so hear you Kelly!! I’d be exactly the same if my husband had a blog. My husband has read most of my posts altho I don’t think he’s as keen to read them as I’d like him to be. Maybe it’s because we are the betrayed spouses. Perhaps if we were the cheating bastard spouse, it would be too painful to read the words of the person whose heart we broke!

  6. Bird says:

    I’m two years from my husband cheating on me, and three years into writing a blog. My ex still won’t read any of it. I wasn’t horrible about him either….. when you figure this reluctance to read out, let me know. I’m at a loss…..

  7. duchessdulciloquy says:

    Dear Kelly, I was sad to read this little extract of the tremendous struggle you have undertaken and the courage that such a thing requires. You are truly trying to understand and heal your situation. From my own limited experience as a writer who has tried to get someone to see, and react, to my pain I really feel for you. If he, whomever he is, is not reading your pain and thoughts on what directly involves him, what is a direct result of his actions – then it would seem that you would benefit as much from showing your writings to a cold, blank, emotionless brick wall. Some men just do not feel the appropriate emotions they should about their past transgressions. If he has no questions, then there is a question for you; “Should you waste your beautiful soul with all its passion, hopefulness, faithfulness and love, on someone who won’t even read about it?” That was a question I had to ask. And in the end, after a long struggle to continually attempt to penetrate that brick wall, I found that my answer was “No”. Your husband simply can’t equate guilt with himself. He doesn’t share any blame. My sincere empathy is with you. And regardless of it’s efficacy upon your spouse, your fellow bloggers are moved and honoured to read your honest words. Thank you for sharing. ~ D

    • I think if he didn’t do a million other things, every single day I’d agree with you, but my husband does feel shame and regret. I’ve watched him cry, and for 8 months give up everything to take care of me. He takes responsibility he just can’t handle reading my words. I wish he could and I know I could make him by asking him…he denies me nothing I ask, but I won’t.

  8. I feel you honey, for years I have tried to get my husband to invest more in me emotional. I too always wanted to know everything he was thinking. I want him to be as curious about me. Fact of the matter is he is just introverted and I need more. I fell out of love with him and just shrank into myself. He still didn’t notice. He thought we were happy because I was no longer bitching to him about sharing our feelings! I had just given up. I began having an affair. He still has no idea. But I told him I wanted to move out then it dawned on him what he would lose and he has stepped up bit I don’t want it now, I’m over it. Maybe he just needs to feel the loss before its too late for him like it is my husband.

  9. Cryinariver says:

    It’s so clear that the cheaters will do reparation only to the extent it doesn’t hurt them beyond a point.he is not reading because it hurts him to the point he cannot handle.He does stuff that he can handle .Anything outside his comfort zone he will not venture into.No doubt after the affair he may have extended the boundaries of his comfort zone a bit but it will never be as much as you want .If he were the type , he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

    This is his own way of saying , enough ,do not drag this on so much. and if you want to , I do not want any part of it.You made he road , you walk alone down there.

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