Sorry

Cheating hasn’t only affected me and my kids, it’s changed my husband.

Does he deserve it?

“Hell ya!!” Angry Kelly and Crazy Kelly scream at once, becoming a single voice.

They are right…he does deserve to live in the hell he created. To see how the choices he made have torn his family apart, and made the girl, who at 19 he promised to love and protect, lose herself and her sanity. If he had taken the easy way and stayed in Alaska, he would see it from a distance and would be able to tell himself it was my fault. My fault for becoming bitter and angry, and he could brush his hands off and walk away from the destruction he made.

He didn’t though…he came home and has faced the anger, the judgment, and the unkind words. He has walked through rooms wearing his ‘Scarlet A’ while people whispered. Sixteen months later he still works every single second of every day to try to figure out how to make me better. I don’t know if I could be as strong as him. I hate apologizing and eating humble pie. I hate it with a passion…have I ever had to do it? Yes, and I did it like I did everything, whole heartedly and quickly. I don’t like to let things fester, it hurts more that way. Worst, most embarrassing example? One day a couple of years ago…

I used to be a talker, a rattler, a rambler…I liked to talk and it could be about anything and everything, my mind went a mile a minute. I sat down next to my husband at a show and told him my theory about a married local man. I had watched a single mom buy him a gift, follow him around, and she was overly nice to him. She was also a little eccentric. I started telling my husband “I love him (the other man) but he’s not too smart I bet when it comes to women. I wouldn’t like a woman acting like that with you (lol at hindsight), what does his wife think? I’d be mad if I was her. ”

On and on I rattled, until a pretty young woman and her children got up and moved from the seats directly in front of us.

My husband looked at me and said ” Kelly!! That was his wife!!” At the time she didn’t know me, but I’m not hard to describe. She had heard bits and pieces of the conversation…him not being smart, his wife, and other words that could be taken wrong. So she told her husband I was talking about him and they were both upset.

My face went red and my head started pounding because I knew I had two choices:
1) I could ignore them and avoid them for the rest of my life.
2) I could ‘Man Up’ and apologize, and face what I had done.

I’m not going to lie I really REALLY wanted to do number one. It was so hard to walk up, first to him and explain “Yes I was talking about you, but here was what I said, and I know it wasn’t right, but I’m really sorry.”
The man accepted my apology and laughed as he realized how upset I was, and how bad I felt.

He tried to let me off the hook, and I didn’t have to face his wife…but in my world, even then, you did what was right…and right was rarely easy.

So I marched over, looked his wife in the eyes and apologized.

What came of it?

They forgave me, and now tease me about it.

We are friends, and maybe someday we will be in-laws together.

Point is facing your wrongs is hard, it stinks. My path to forgiveness in my story was short, his is long and maybe at the end there still won’t be a happy ending.

Yet he still walks the path every single day, hoping he can heal me, wanting to prove to me he’s not the same man, looking for a happy ending and a forever after.

“Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I cant take it back.
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

This time I think, I’m to blame
It’s harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I cant take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry

Every single day, I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It’s never too late to make it right
Oh yeah

Sorry
I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all things I said to you
And I know, I cant take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry”

-Sorry by Buckcherry-

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8 Responses to Sorry

  1. It’s about character and honor. You exhibited your true character in your example by apologizing to both husband and wife, as well as in standing by your husband and trying to work through his infidelity. That’s amazing and wonderful and something to be respected for!

    I have a very “spiritual” friend who is Buddhist and she says that we are all on a path to enlightenment. Some get there sooner, become more than they were destined to be. Others still struggle because their goals are small. The ultimate is to transcend and become the best you can be and give to others without being selfish. I see all betrayed spouses on that path to enlightenment. Becoming a better self. Hoping our mates walk with us hand in hand and don’t lag too far behind.

    Great post, Kelly xox – happy shitty hump day 🙂

    • My youngest son wanted to be Buddist for awhile during junior high, he also wanted to become a Sumo Wrestler (he’s now a 5’11” 115 pound freshman). I like the thought of being enlightened, and walking the path of right 🙂

      Thanks for your kind words…halfway through another week means more healing has hopefully happened and we are all closer to finding our happy.

  2. Nephila says:

    I mustn’t be following about what you said. Ok so talking about someone being locked in a trunk isn’t nice but if he was being given gifts and followed around by another woman? How did you do wrong? I’m all for apologising when you do, but I must be missing something.

    • I’ll second this one. I WISH someone had been around to sit in a bleacher and warn me that a woman was behaving inappropriately with MY husband! And that he was letting her. I might not have wanted to hear it, but I’d file it under “the truth hurts” and set some serious boundaries. I would be very interested to know if the wife was aware of the gifts and what she thought of that situation. How they resolved it.

      • Lol their situation is totally not one of affairs and trust broken. It was me making up a drama in my head and telling my husband my idea for a lifetime movie. I was in the wrong, and had no right to run my mouth. I don’t want anyone to misread my post it’s about saying you’re sorry and how hard it is. Not about the innocent couple I gossiped about.

    • Because one I was gossiping, and two her husband didn’t/ hasn’t done anything wrong. I was making fun and just talking about things that weren’t my business. I didn’t talk to the wife or husband I ran my mouth. And it was innocent.

  3. Yes I see what you are saying. Maybe this is Crazy Grace talking, LOL, but in our post affair landscape, I see a single woman buying a married man gifts and showing him this kind of attention to be HIGHLY inappropriate. It’s the kind of attention that, if allowed to continue, can lead to very bad places. We would all be wise to firmly turn this type of attention away and put a stop to it. I have sadly been forced to face the fact that we are ALL capable of cheating. This man very well could have *become* vulnerable to this type of adoration had something come along in his life to create stress. Financial problems, death of a parent, etc. I flip flop between being sad that I am hyper-vigilant and glad that I take protecting our marriage much more seriously.

    • In this case you can trust me, it wasn’t going anywhere. And yes in our eyes we now see cheating everywhere…we are suffering from PTSD and its sad the way we now perceive the world 😦 Our rosé tinted glasses are gone and we see the world through shattered lens.

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