School’s Out

I am struggling….there I said it, I admitted it. Isn’t that the first step?

I realized yesterday this next month is going to be a test of my sanity, of my being a mom first and a betrayed spouse second, a test of my grip on my ‘new’ life, and how to keep the past at bay. I am so tired of letting the selfish choices of my husband and the whore affect my life…so stinking tired. 

My oldest son will get his associates degree this month, and I am so proud of him. Despite the last two years of being in a screwed up family, traveling weekly with his scholarship, taking challenging classes…he has stayed on track and will finish his time at his JuCo by graduating. Next fall he starts OSU on schedule no slips, trips or hiccups, and Lord knows he had a million excuses to fail. 

The whore whined about his last graduation, she REALLY wanted to attend. I sat at his last graduation away from my husband, he was being an ass and I had worked for months preparing the house for out of town guests, and a party in honor of our son’s graduation…I didn’t understand why my husband was being an ass and I didn’t care. I was tired, sad, and overwhelmed, so I put him and his attitude on the back burner, and concentrated on what mattered, MY son.

Looking back? I think he was contemplating leaving me…I think he had decided to give a try to a life with the whore…I think he was trying to distance himself from me and the kids, and waiting to make his announcement. I would have let him leave, he had been such an ass for the months leading up to my son’s graduation, and was so rude and cruel the day of…I would have signed the papers, and walked away. 

A couple days after graduation, I sat on the tailgate of our truck helping/watching him build fence. Our daughter was “helping” him and through the course of the day the tension melted, we shared some laughs, and he held my hand. Whatever had been there between us disappeared, and for the rest of his time home we were back to being us. He was still different but I could see he was trying, so I let it go.

I now know the full story, and I wonder how to get through watching my son graduate again without triggers. I stayed composed his last graduation, and didn’t cry. To be honest, I used to make fun of ‘criers’ because I hardly ever cried. I am now a crier and know I will bawl this time. I will cry for time passing, because I am proud, and because the joy/loss I felt on his last graduation is now tainted by the affair. I know as I watch him march towards his future, I am going to be haunted by the past.

Then lets add in the triggers of my middle son’s prom, Mother’s Day, our family vacation, and my father-in-law’s birthday…I don’t know if I can survive the next month. I don’t know if I am strong enough to keep smiling through the pain. I don’t know how to laugh through my tears anymore. I feel like a loser because I am not the mom I was, I feel sad for my children, I feel alone in my struggle to be the person I was.

I just want to celebrate with my son…

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9 Responses to School’s Out

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, at least just take that one day to celebrate your son, all the other shit will still be there after graduation day! Don’t you think you deserve at least that one day to be a little happy, after all he won’t be happy if his mama ain’t happy! That’s what I try to do, like yesterday at my daughters’ for Easter dinner, I took 2 whole hours to laugh & concentrate on my family, & it was wonderful! Today I am back to the reality of my now life, and so will you, but let’s give ourselves little moments of happiness. I know you can do this, if not crazy Kelly will kick your ass!!! Have a wonderful grad day with your family. Hugs from Joan

  2. Ryan says:

    On vacation if you get mad you can just have a couple drinks and make me get in the water with you and talk it out for a couple hours 😉

  3. pabloswife says:

    Oh Kelly… sending you a million hugs! Firstly, congratulations to your son, you must be so proud of him. And secondly, congratulations to you! Congratulations on being brave enough to admit you’re struggling. Congratulations on being strong enough to have survived this far. I hear ya! It is soooo tiring being a betrayed spouse. Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away and mostly I fear that it won’t. BUT if we decide to stay with our cheating asshole husbands then I guess this is the burden we will have to carry. It’s not fair, it’s not just, it’s what it is! And you’re right, it stinks!

    So what if you cry at your son’s graduation! You deserve to shed a tear or two, regardless of what’s happened to you these past few years. Your baby boy is graduating. Cry tears of joy, not tears of pain. That whore just doesn’t deserve any more of your time, thoughts or effort. She is done, she is history! Your husband will spend the rest of his life in his own personal hell, wishing he made better choices. You will spend the rest of yours, glad that you are surrounded by the love of your healthy, happy children, whose health and happiness is all down to you Kelly! It’s all you!!

    I absolutely understand how you feel, but you should also feel proud that when the shit hit the fan, you were there for your kids and your husband. You are a warrior, don’t ever forget that, but also remember that even warriors are allowed to feel sorry for themselves. xx

  4. Maria says:

    I admire your strength! Hugs for continued strength. Also, congratulations to your son. Just cry tears of one proud momma 😀

  5. Ditto to what PW said above! Why do you think they say that women are the strong sex? BECAUSE IT’S F’ING TRUE!

    Cry and let them see your tears. F-the triggers! BUT, SMILE for the accomplishments of:
    1. surviving
    2. not killing your husband
    3. not killing the whore
    4. raising your children and teaching them they can dream and accomplish their goals
    5. admitting you are human

    There are probably 23948734987 other reasons to smile/cry/smile/yell/cry/laugh/smile, etc. about!

    Hugs and love to you on this special time. xxoo

  6. Katie says:

    You’re not alone. And you don’t have to smile or laugh through anything. You have to get through each day, one day at a time, and just focus on your family, and try to keep it together. That’s it. All of us feel like we are not the mothers we could have been or were meant to be because of our dickhead husbands. But you can do this. I assure you, you can. Just focus on the very apparent pride you have of your son and this wonderful accomplishment. (Serious props to him, by the way.) Make it a mantra (I am proud of my son, I am proud of my son…) and focus on that when you feel like crap. Strength and courage. xoxo

  7. Renee says:

    Celebrate with him Kelli. I, too, have triggers from my last marriage/divorce. After 5 years. But I’m so much better off and I feel it in every vein I have! You’ll get there! Come over for lunch sometime…we may even drink it. It would probably help us both..if not, it would still be fun. I’m off every other Friday, this is one off this week. Let me know!

    Sent from my iPad

  8. julesedison says:

    I just went through this too. Making it through the month of May is tough for me. This year with the addition of my second son’s graduation. My husband was a complete ass during my older son’s graduation. Of course I now know he had just consummated his affair. I now look forward to sending this son off to college. Dday came right after my husband decided not to come when I settled our older son into college. We have come a long way since that time, but it is so hard to not get caught up in the similarities between the events of that summer and the events of this summer. This is the son who lived everyday with his broken parents. He doesn’t deserve his moments to be clouded by past events. Your words really strike a cord with me. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

    • Our kids make us better and stronger than we ever knew we could be. I regret my kids having to live with broken parents but still believe this has made them wiser and stronger. I think it’s given them a view of the world and being a grown-up and let them see life isn’t a fairy tale (don’t get me started on my hatred of fairy tales, lol) I work every day to keep the past in the past and to give my kids the present they deserve, and to have a mom who is ‘present’ for them.

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