I am struggling….there I said it, I admitted it. Isn’t that the first step?
I realized yesterday this next month is going to be a test of my sanity, of my being a mom first and a betrayed spouse second, a test of my grip on my ‘new’ life, and how to keep the past at bay. I am so tired of letting the selfish choices of my husband and the whore affect my life…so stinking tired.
My oldest son will get his associates degree this month, and I am so proud of him. Despite the last two years of being in a screwed up family, traveling weekly with his scholarship, taking challenging classes…he has stayed on track and will finish his time at his JuCo by graduating. Next fall he starts OSU on schedule no slips, trips or hiccups, and Lord knows he had a million excuses to fail.
The whore whined about his last graduation, she REALLY wanted to attend. I sat at his last graduation away from my husband, he was being an ass and I had worked for months preparing the house for out of town guests, and a party in honor of our son’s graduation…I didn’t understand why my husband was being an ass and I didn’t care. I was tired, sad, and overwhelmed, so I put him and his attitude on the back burner, and concentrated on what mattered, MY son.
Looking back? I think he was contemplating leaving me…I think he had decided to give a try to a life with the whore…I think he was trying to distance himself from me and the kids, and waiting to make his announcement. I would have let him leave, he had been such an ass for the months leading up to my son’s graduation, and was so rude and cruel the day of…I would have signed the papers, and walked away.
A couple days after graduation, I sat on the tailgate of our truck helping/watching him build fence. Our daughter was “helping” him and through the course of the day the tension melted, we shared some laughs, and he held my hand. Whatever had been there between us disappeared, and for the rest of his time home we were back to being us. He was still different but I could see he was trying, so I let it go.
I now know the full story, and I wonder how to get through watching my son graduate again without triggers. I stayed composed his last graduation, and didn’t cry. To be honest, I used to make fun of ‘criers’ because I hardly ever cried. I am now a crier and know I will bawl this time. I will cry for time passing, because I am proud, and because the joy/loss I felt on his last graduation is now tainted by the affair. I know as I watch him march towards his future, I am going to be haunted by the past.
Then lets add in the triggers of my middle son’s prom, Mother’s Day, our family vacation, and my father-in-law’s birthday…I don’t know if I can survive the next month. I don’t know if I am strong enough to keep smiling through the pain. I don’t know how to laugh through my tears anymore. I feel like a loser because I am not the mom I was, I feel sad for my children, I feel alone in my struggle to be the person I was.
I just want to celebrate with my son…