I still like to believe there are answers if you sit in the silence and listen.

I don’t get many minutes of silence, with a house full of kids and voices screaming in my head, but I used to. If I had listened to my gut I would have been aware of my husband’s affair sooner. I mean I ‘knew’ but I didn’t…I didn’t listen to what was being screamed in my ear by every instinct God gave me. I try to listen now, to all life’s lessons as they are given to me. Do I believe God speaks to me? absolutely, I have faith in God and my relationship with him.

I sat in church on Easter Sunday, a church I love because the lessons speak to me…as if God himself was smacking me on the back of the head and saying “Do you get what I’m saying Kelly?” I believe God smacks me a lot, because I’m stubborn and hard to teach. The message on Sunday was about ‘Mercy’…it’s a word I’ve never given much thought to. Except in the scene from ‘Braveheart’, love the movie and in the end as he’s being tortured and dying the crowd starts chanting for “Mercy” for Mel Gibson’s character. The spectators to the torture and death had been cheering, but as he took his punishment they saw his true nature, not the man he was portrayed to be, and wanted mercy for him.

What is Mercy?

Definition of mercy

1.compassion: kindness or forgiveness shown especially to somebody a person has power over
2.compassionate disposition: a disposition to be compassionate or forgiving of others
3.something to be thankful for: a welcome event or situation that provides relief or prevents something unpleasant from happening

I listened as the pastor talked about Mercy, and my eyes kept going back to the screen where he had the definition of mercy displayed. Tears started and I heard the voice, the one which screams at me in the quiet, and I got it. I have been struggling with forgiveness, trying to figure out how to forgive the unforgivable, and the answer was there for me. I want to be merciful…I, Kelly who once wrote off anyone and everyone who had ever hurt or betrayed me, wants to be compassionate.

I want to show mercy to my husband, I’m tired of him being tortured by his choices. I have watched as he punished himself and have taken part in that punishment. I have found joy in his tears, and heartache. I have laughed at his pain and ridiculed him for being weak. I have used his words to hurt him as they hurt me. I have let hate into my heart. I don’t want to be that person anymore…I want to be at peace.

I like to think if my husband was laying on a slab, watching as his intestines were strung out, his organs removed from his still alive body? I’d be one of the people in the crowd who started the chant for “Mercy”…I have the ability to remove him from the rack, and to let him live. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life saying “He deserves it” or “He didn’t grant me mercy”…at some point I have to decide if I want to be a better person.

I can be a better person.

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12 Responses to Mercy

  1. brokenjoan says:

    I believe you are a good person Kelly, you like the rest of us,were changed by something we never saw coming or knew but were afraid to confront! I believe we are all changed forever because of this, in one way or another, it’s how we choose to handle it that will affect the rest of our lives & that of our families. I can only hope through whatever we decide to do, that we find happiness again. Oh, but therein is the biggest question, will we find happiness again? I hope so, anyone going through this deserves it! Hugs , Joan

  2. pabloswife says:

    Great post Kelly! I too struggle with the very idea of forgiveness. Its seems to go against everything I am struggling with. I have chosen acceptance because there’s not a damn thing I can do about something which has already taken place. I like your idea of mercy. It shows compassion and grace but at the same time seems to allow you to hold onto what fundamentally makes you, you. Your morals. Here’s to mercy 🙂

    “I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.”

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN, speech, 1865

  3. eg0ground0 says:

    I’ve gone back and forth on this issue myself. It’s different, because my husband left me for her so the issue of forgiveness is more an internal one. Like you, I want to be the kind of person who would shout “mercy” but right now I still have so much anger and pain. I am hopeful that though faith and connecting with other people who have survived this, I can get past the pain to a place where I do can show mercy. Thank you for sharing this.

    • From what I’ve read of your story you are showing amazing strength and grace (I have as we all know dreamed of shitting on the OW in my stories car, I have broken things with a sledge hammer and raged, I have been a bitch), to be in your situation? I think I’d go crazy…sorry crazier 🙂 You do what you have to, we all do to try and get by. I have faith there is love and a happy ending for you, God has a plan

  4. I love this post, Kelly. I think today has been a day of signs, messages and signals for me.

    Today was the first day, while driving to have lunch with a friend I used to work with, I put on Dave Matthews and sang at the top of my lungs. I haven’t sung a damn song in over six months (thank you, Mr. Unfaithful). Music has been a HUUUUGE part of my happiness. It’s like my heartbeat, always a part of me. The affair and my depression took that from me for awhile. Today, it felt like spring and I felt happy and I was singing along with Dave! Then, while having lunch, John Legend’s song, All of Me, came on. It’s a special song for my husband and me now. He texted me that song about a month ago as a way to express how he felt about me. That was big for him because he never really expressed himself lyrically to me. Checked my phone and read about Pabloswife’s post about this song! Made me smile and be thankful 🙂

    Next sign – my mom passed away five years ago on 11/11 and I swear she’s sending me messages…little “pushes” and gentle reminders (I’m not new age, but I do believe in an ever after). Today was one of those days, right before I left, I decided to accept an appointment with a business associate, thinking it might be a great way to network for a better job. I looked up at the clock when I clicked “accept” and it was 11:11 – thanks, Mom!

    On the ride back from lunch, thinking about my husband (which I think about each and every day, of course), I felt a shift and lightening. Like I’m ready for the next step in healing.

    Then I read your post! It really does express my next goal. Mercy.

    and why the fuck not, right? we deserve not only mercy but to give it when we think it’s time. Yeah…I’m almost ready!

    • I liked music before but it spoke to me after Dday…and when I started writing the lyrics to songs stuck in my head…so I use them as I write for a theme song to my life 🙂 I believe in signs and msgs, I believe in an after life…I believe my sweet friend on listening.

      I hope today was the first step towards your healing. I hope you find mercy.

  5. Hope says:

    Idea of forgiveness … The only forgiveness I need – it’s to forgive myself – for letting my husband to do what he did to me for so long.

  6. Hope says:

    Mercy reminds me of one thing. Mercy was a thing which lined up the road to me to the 6 years of Hell on the Earth ., When my husband confessed to me that he is having a mistress ( without telling me who she was ) and he is leaving me for her. I thought that he swapped me for a better- younger model – she must be an astonishing young beauty with legs – starting from her ears. That is how I used to look before . I was in a state of shock when he eventually told me – who she was – and so was everyone else who saw her photos. Honestly – she is an ugly, simple, nearly 40 years old , but looks much older , no figure at all , no waist at all . She have a male squire rough face of the boxer, and zomby empty eyes without any expression , no any intellect to put 2 words together in any world’s language . For God sake – she does not even speak basic english – which is my husband’s only language! Not a grip of learning a language even after screwing him for 6 years ! She was coming to my house for 6 years – you cannot possibly be jealous of someone who looks like her . Some of the ppl say that she must be then skillful in the bed – nope – apparently she was a total log in the bed ( cannot blame her for that ) and did not even kiss him during their sex encounters. Which would take place later at the new accommodation , funded from our family finances . The only tool she used is a Mercy – getting 1st in the ppl’s houses and begging for any job – massage , manicure , pedicure , being so poor looking , missable – and then next stage – getting into the married man’s pants ( during massage session ) by telling fake “heartbreaking ” stories of mother dying from cancer, money needed for urgent operation , father needs treatment etc etc. In our case I guess she used sign language . The dump stupid married man must feel themselves like a God helping that poor woman – her problems would be just getting more heartbreaking and astronomically expensive out of any proportion every time. She would also be regular comer to the family house to keep a grip on situation and whisper to the dumbo man – over and over – |How he is nice , kind , handsome and how his wife does not appreciate him, he needs another woman in his life etc., etc I have a whole picture of the scenario now – a bit late obviously . Do not ask me how – but I do. As well as the list of her another clients . Though financial assistance from our banks cannot be even compared with miserable pity cash she would get from her another clients. She had a lucky winning ticket in our house and I was the most unluckiest out of the all another wifes – victims. Pple say that my story sounds a bit unbelievable like from movies – I still cannot believe myself that it is all happened or ever happened to me..

  7. I found it. Ahh.. Mercy.. I too.. want him to suffer, I mock his tears as I see them sometimes and say you deserve to cry, you deserve every bit of sadness, you are horrible. Enjoy life alone! But imagining if he was being hurt would I stop it? Would I try to save him, would he want my help? or would I just walk away?
    I am torn for sure. I am going to cling to this verse emailed to me today
    5-8 If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
    Because I haven’t a clue what I’m doing somedays..

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