I still like to believe there are answers if you sit in the silence and listen.
I don’t get many minutes of silence, with a house full of kids and voices screaming in my head, but I used to. If I had listened to my gut I would have been aware of my husband’s affair sooner. I mean I ‘knew’ but I didn’t…I didn’t listen to what was being screamed in my ear by every instinct God gave me. I try to listen now, to all life’s lessons as they are given to me. Do I believe God speaks to me? absolutely, I have faith in God and my relationship with him.
I sat in church on Easter Sunday, a church I love because the lessons speak to me…as if God himself was smacking me on the back of the head and saying “Do you get what I’m saying Kelly?” I believe God smacks me a lot, because I’m stubborn and hard to teach. The message on Sunday was about ‘Mercy’…it’s a word I’ve never given much thought to. Except in the scene from ‘Braveheart’, love the movie and in the end as he’s being tortured and dying the crowd starts chanting for “Mercy” for Mel Gibson’s character. The spectators to the torture and death had been cheering, but as he took his punishment they saw his true nature, not the man he was portrayed to be, and wanted mercy for him.
What is Mercy?
Definition of mercy
1.compassion: kindness or forgiveness shown especially to somebody a person has power over
2.compassionate disposition: a disposition to be compassionate or forgiving of others
3.something to be thankful for: a welcome event or situation that provides relief or prevents something unpleasant from happening
I listened as the pastor talked about Mercy, and my eyes kept going back to the screen where he had the definition of mercy displayed. Tears started and I heard the voice, the one which screams at me in the quiet, and I got it. I have been struggling with forgiveness, trying to figure out how to forgive the unforgivable, and the answer was there for me. I want to be merciful…I, Kelly who once wrote off anyone and everyone who had ever hurt or betrayed me, wants to be compassionate.
I want to show mercy to my husband, I’m tired of him being tortured by his choices. I have watched as he punished himself and have taken part in that punishment. I have found joy in his tears, and heartache. I have laughed at his pain and ridiculed him for being weak. I have used his words to hurt him as they hurt me. I have let hate into my heart. I don’t want to be that person anymore…I want to be at peace.
I like to think if my husband was laying on a slab, watching as his intestines were strung out, his organs removed from his still alive body? I’d be one of the people in the crowd who started the chant for “Mercy”…I have the ability to remove him from the rack, and to let him live. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life saying “He deserves it” or “He didn’t grant me mercy”…at some point I have to decide if I want to be a better person.
I can be a better person.