Lying From You

I am still struggling with acceptance…How’s that for a kick in the teeth?…I still can’t in the core of my being accept what has happened.

In my defense? I think you would struggle too, just for a second put yourself in my shoes. I was walking around being a mom and a wife (always in that order), taking care of animals, working in the yard, raising puppies and a crazy little girl…I was living in a snow globe. The background scene was a farm, with me and my kids surrounded by butterflies and animals in the front, sometimes it got turned upside down and it snowed, but when it did we just stuck out our tongues and caught the snowflakes…laughing. We were sheltered and happy, with our feet stuck in the plastic ground of our fake world, none the wiser to what was going on outside. My husband popped in and out of our world, sometimes disturbing the ‘snow’ at the bottom with his actions and words, but most the time he came in and out without a ripple. We lived for two years in our dome, never realizing it wasn’t real, I would sometimes see a shadow cast by the real world, but let him convince me it was just a ‘smudge’ on the glass…nothing to worry about.

Then one day, as quickly as you can open a letter, unfold it, and read the words (and I am a fast reader)…our world was gone. The snow globe was thrown against the wall, with the force of a F5 tornado, and shattered. I had been breathing under the water, and the oxygen in this strange new reality made it feel like my lungs would explode. I was seeing the world with a whole different perspective, unhindered by the curved glass of the dome. My kids laid scattered around me, and I crawled to them, and found them broken. I found shards of glass mixed with strips of the paper backdrop of our lives, and it hit me that it was ALL FAKE…every single bit of our lives was based on a lie.

I am a proud person, and I used to think I was so stinking smart and strong. To come to grips with the fact that I allowed myself to be put in a globe of lies, to remember how I lived there with my children and always welcomed him back. To admit to my stupidity? It is hard to accept. It hurts to remember all the times I believed his lies, how close I was to seeing outside the water, and glass…and then I would let him set me back firmly in my plastic place in his world by him just being nice to me. I allowed myself to be blind and stupid because I loved him. I taught my kids how to breathe under water, and to pretend the small enclosed world of the snow globe was real. Hell I taught them to catch the plastic fake snow with their tongues and swallow the bitterness with a smile.

I have a hard time accepting how fake our lives were, and how well we adapted. How could I have not noticed the boundaries we were expected to keep? I went from being free to having to apologize if I called at an unplanned time. I wasn’t allowed to call him after work, he needed time to ‘unwind and relax’ without the burden of my needs or problems. He would call me on his drive to his apartment, and his phone would often be ‘going dead’. If I called him at work, he would have to pause and close his door, where before I was often put on speaker phone to say “Hi” to coworkers. He would unfriend me on Facebook, change his marital status when we would argue, and many times changed his ‘Hometown’ to Valdez. I would see his suspicious spending, his constant cash withdraws, and new PayPal account I didn’t have access to and bite my tongue.

I went from living in the wide open real world to living in a bubble filled with lies and I never took a hammer to the glass and walked out. I, Kelly who was once strong and smart, became a willing prisoner in a snow globe of lies, and I have a hard time accepting how pathetic I was. I have a hard time remembering how stupid I allowed myself to be. To accept my ‘new’ life, I have to admit to the life I lived those two years.

I am having a problem with acceptance.

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12 Responses to Lying From You

  1. Loved this analogy…so perfectly written and so sorrowful. My heart breaks for what you went through and still struggling with now.

    Question: Remember your post about Mercy the week before? Remember how you want to give mercy to others (your husband)? Why can’t you show mercy to yourself?

    I understand about feeling swindled, bamboozled, taken, lied to, forsaken, all of those things. I do. I feel stupid about my own naivety. I feel stupid that I consider myself a smart woman, was blind to the obvious. But, I also know my husband was pretty good at the lies and that I “accepted” those lies because I trusted the bastard!

    What really hurts is that I DOUBT myself, my true self, what I hold true and know at a molecular level…I DOUBT all of it now. And I hate it!

    So, back to my question that I ask you again, knowing what you know now, knowing what you need, why not show YOURSELF mercy?

    Just an idea worth exploring.

    xox

    • I guess why I have problems with forgiving myself is because I let my kids get hurt. I let them live a lie, taught them to respect their dads privacy, to understand his absence, excused his being an ass to all of us. I stood there as “the whore’s’ tutus were put on my Lou, her graduation gift was given to my son…and in my heart I knew the gifts were wrong, they screamed “SOMETHING IS OFF” and I just wound up the music of the snow globe to drown the voices up. I played a part in my kids being hurt and it’s hard to forgive myself for it.

      But I know you are right…

      • Actually, that does change the situation…being hurt yourself vs. your kids plus you is a different snow globe entirely!

        So, it makes sense with your own self forgiveness and mercy.

        Kelly, there is no question that you have deep guilt for allowing his adultery hurt your kids. That is probably the center pin to your healing. Once you can get help (both of you) in working that pain up and out of you, you’ll be able to forgive not only him but yourself.

        It’s so freakin hard to practice what we preach! But, once we allow ourselves to actually do that, we will be so much better off!

        xxoo

  2. pabloswife says:

    Firstly and most importantly Kelly, you have to remember that you didn’t let your kids get hurt!! It wasn’t you!! You did nothing wrong bar love their dad. You taught them how to love unconditionally. That doesn’t mean you hurt your kids. Your husband did that all by himself.

    You had no reason not to trust your husband, none of us did. We all believed the lies and the shit because we loved our husbands, we trusted them and we never believed in a million years that they would cheat on us. But they did, and now we are left to try and pick up the pieces and come to the realization that they weren’t perfect. They were flawed and they were selfish beyond belief.

    Never underestimate what you gave your kids in those snow globe years. YOU gave them a loving home, YOU gave them stability, YOU gave them the carefree life they had. It was your husband that smashed the globe and took it all away. But did he take it all away?? You are still alive, you still have your great kids around you and you are still providing them with a wonderful home. So what if the grass isn’t mowed, if there aren’t great snacks in the pantry ( re your previous prom post), you are there, you are still the center of their world and you are fighting each and every day to keep them safe.

    Tempted is right, show yourself a little mercy, cut yourself a little slack. Many a woman wouldn’t have put up such a great fight for the ones they loved. Br proud that you did ❤

  3. Crap…I want to make sure I cleared this up: you didn’t allow anything!!! No way. It was him! What I meant was the guilt a mother can take on for her children’s suffering.

    Hope that makes sense? Love to you, Kelly. .xo

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Pabloswife you said it so well, Kelly you have no reason to believe you let your children get hurt! WHY? Because your husband is the one who hurt all of you! For 15 months, I like you thought something just wasn’t right, but I never pushed the issue, mainly because like most of us we know when we finally discover the truth nothing will ever be the same again & we are afraid to face that! I think you know in your heart, the one your children would blame for all the hurt. Please stop being so hard on yourself, the chain of events leading up to our husbands’ affairs were already in motion before we had our first suspicions! This is so typical though, we didn’t have an affair, but we seem to be beating ourselves up worse than the ones who actually betrayed us! I am also still struggling with acceptance, it will be 2 years in Sept. & somedays it feels like yesterday. How do you ever accept lies & deception of this magnitude? Hugs from Joan

  5. I know you are all right, my head knows it…but I still wish I could have protected them, as their mom. It’s my job.

    • It is also HIS job, Kelly! Don’t forget…He did this. Not you.

      First thing that came to mind when I read between the lines of your post: survivor’s guilt. It’s not exactly but perhaps similar?

      He did this. He allowed this. Not you. You are now dealing with the results…triage…which must be so damn hard. My kids dont know. I cant imagine living through their heartbreak too. You are amazing…you are a mom…xox

  6. Hope says:

    Same – same here.The horror , the shock, the pain , which totally hammered me on that “one day” 3 years ago – beyond any words … When he broke me a news about the whore and leaving me for her. There are no words to describe it! That horror, that shock… The entire time – when he was abusing me – it was all pre planned , staged . Using my situation – me taking care of 2 young kids ( one is a baby ), being a foreigner and being uprooted and moved around with him to a few foreign countries ( his work duties ) , being isolated . Finally learning the real explanation for his horrible actions of .why I have been so brutally tortured for all those 6 years . During those 6 years of his affair ( and 13 years together at that time ) – I was a total doormat , his slave , the punching bag for 6 years , Someone he used to release his frustration from his whore’s endless lies. The whore needed time space for her another f- kers – clients (all of them are married , stupid men with money ) . Once she get a big cash sum from my husband – next she would feed him a lies that she needs to visit parents , etc, etc lies , followed by turning off her mobile ). My first thought was – how could I let my kids so -so down – to become a victims of such gigantic , tremendous CON. Needless to say – the Conman stole and hide all the funds by that time ( I put a big financial contribution to the ” family ” – I used to have a flourishing business ). I had not any access to a single penny at that D day . And the Conman and a Fraudster – it’s their own father ! Who mocked my kids entire their life. I never- ever felt such a horror before. Why would I ever forgive him ? What for ? I have meet quite a lots of woman with abusive husbands. And I have a few friends with experience of domestic abuse. I can talk with them about domestic abuse of my past , mind you no one suffered that much abuse like I did . But I just never-ever meet anyone , with a cheating husband. And because of that – I just cannot talk about it with anyone . No one from my family , not any of my friends just never been in such situation , in those shoes. Why me – why my kids had to go through that ? Why would I forgive him ? How could I forgive someone – who inflicted such a trauma to my kids ? I want him to suffer every day , for what he have done to my kids – not for what he done to me. I want him to invest the remaining bit of his life to someone and then , after many years to discover that the entire time his partner lied and cheated on him with everyone around. I want him to suffer from a cheating , lying partner full blast and for that I want him one day get together with that lying whore of his. And yes – I am responsible – after being rubbed in the face with so many lies – instead of again putting questions to the lies producer (aka my husband ) I should put the facts together and find the answers myself .

    • Hope says:

      When I said that I meet women with abusive husbands – all the wifes are divorced now from their husbands . So they are recovering now from their past bad experience . And I do not know personally anyone with a cheating husband . But if I hear or read somewhere about wife learning of cheating husband affair – they would divorced too eventually. I do not wish to divorce him now – I do not want my husband to have an unlimited opportunities to poison my kids with his toxic vapours off lies due to me not be around kids. He is a world champion on manipulating , perverting facts and brain -washing . If he wish to divorce – he is more that welcome – I am mentally ready now .”He suggest you to live in the present?” By doing that he subtly blaming you for the affair.Kinda what is wrong with you – why you cannot be strong ? And let him to carry on with his comfortable life of committing affairs , telling lies and unlimited forgiveness for that. By saying that- he simply ordering you to live in the past web of his lies. He is paving his way for a new affair ( or to re – store his old one ) , he can say in the future to you that he turned to his next OW due to fact that you was so missable ( avoiding words broken , depressed , sad ) , that you did not give him enough attention, so he seek it somewhere else. If you have a real man – wife is happy. If you have a wan-er for a husband -you have to be strong. You are woman ,you do not have to be strong and do decisions for two ppl. My husband was brutally beating me up , or I would discover about his one night single stand with some another whore ( it was all part of the preplanned show – to take attention from the real whore )- and then he would tell me “to forget it , it will never happen again, live for the future, forget about past .” And I did, I did , I did ! And I should not , should not , should not! When he said to me trying to shift blame on me – “It’s take two for tango “. Imagine my pain on hearing that shit. Yes it is take 2 for tango – but not in the concern he is trying to put it, Kinda I was so bad , so he turned to OW. The real meaning is – it was me , providing the malignant psychopath, pathological liar and serial cheater with leisurely condition ( never mind finding him personally that stinky whore by finding “masseur ” ) for committing affairs and endless forgiveness for that . For letting him to have endless “privacy” , going out for “only man daily -daily company parties till 3-4 am morning “, or having “sauna , massage” somewhere unknown locations etc, etc. Accepting that I was not permitted to call him. Not allowed to doubt , question it, ets. He used to go ballistic -“If you do not trust me -why even to live together ? ” ” Is it Interrogations, accusations again ? ” There is something wrong with you ! I do care about you – you need to see a doctor ! You are paranoid !”
      Dear sister , don’t you think, when he says ” live in present , forget about past , be strong ” – he is just caring about himself and his comfort zone?
      And does not it’s sounds similar to the words right above ?
      The most bitter pill out of everything for me , that I realised now that he never loved me in the 1st place. If he would ever loved me – he would never do what he did to me.
      I am looking back and trying to remember his words of love. None were there.
      Saying – You know that I love you – it is not saying” I love you , it is reflecting answer to myself ! Or buying DVD with love songs and saying -listen to the words – it is what I want to say to you . As he is psychopath and is not capable of feelings like love and compassion – he would listen to the words of love songs and mimic it , by writing it to me.
      Or he would wright the love cards – so he does not need to say it on person.
      Read the card ! Listen to the song ! You know that I love you ! – it is all reflection to avoid of saying ” I love you ” , where is not love exist .
      I have googled – the signs of love – there weren’t any signs ever .
      I distance myself mentally from him now – if I need to discuss anything with him , like kids,household , etc – it is only by phone – when kids are not around.

  7. eg0ground0 says:

    I sympathies with this so much, even though I don’t have kids. I have seen recently how the fallout of my husband’s infidelity has caused pain to people around me. My brother looked up to my husband and that has been shattered. My mother loved him like a son and even took him into her home for a time. Now she has so much rage.

    It’s hard to let go and forgive ourselves. I haven’t done it yet but that’s why we have each other here, to help remind each other that we can only control our own actions. The pain that comes from their selfish choices are not our fault, even though some days it’s hard to see that truth.

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