I am still struggling with acceptance…How’s that for a kick in the teeth?…I still can’t in the core of my being accept what has happened.
In my defense? I think you would struggle too, just for a second put yourself in my shoes. I was walking around being a mom and a wife (always in that order), taking care of animals, working in the yard, raising puppies and a crazy little girl…I was living in a snow globe. The background scene was a farm, with me and my kids surrounded by butterflies and animals in the front, sometimes it got turned upside down and it snowed, but when it did we just stuck out our tongues and caught the snowflakes…laughing. We were sheltered and happy, with our feet stuck in the plastic ground of our fake world, none the wiser to what was going on outside. My husband popped in and out of our world, sometimes disturbing the ‘snow’ at the bottom with his actions and words, but most the time he came in and out without a ripple. We lived for two years in our dome, never realizing it wasn’t real, I would sometimes see a shadow cast by the real world, but let him convince me it was just a ‘smudge’ on the glass…nothing to worry about.
Then one day, as quickly as you can open a letter, unfold it, and read the words (and I am a fast reader)…our world was gone. The snow globe was thrown against the wall, with the force of a F5 tornado, and shattered. I had been breathing under the water, and the oxygen in this strange new reality made it feel like my lungs would explode. I was seeing the world with a whole different perspective, unhindered by the curved glass of the dome. My kids laid scattered around me, and I crawled to them, and found them broken. I found shards of glass mixed with strips of the paper backdrop of our lives, and it hit me that it was ALL FAKE…every single bit of our lives was based on a lie.
I am a proud person, and I used to think I was so stinking smart and strong. To come to grips with the fact that I allowed myself to be put in a globe of lies, to remember how I lived there with my children and always welcomed him back. To admit to my stupidity? It is hard to accept. It hurts to remember all the times I believed his lies, how close I was to seeing outside the water, and glass…and then I would let him set me back firmly in my plastic place in his world by him just being nice to me. I allowed myself to be blind and stupid because I loved him. I taught my kids how to breathe under water, and to pretend the small enclosed world of the snow globe was real. Hell I taught them to catch the plastic fake snow with their tongues and swallow the bitterness with a smile.
I have a hard time accepting how fake our lives were, and how well we adapted. How could I have not noticed the boundaries we were expected to keep? I went from being free to having to apologize if I called at an unplanned time. I wasn’t allowed to call him after work, he needed time to ‘unwind and relax’ without the burden of my needs or problems. He would call me on his drive to his apartment, and his phone would often be ‘going dead’. If I called him at work, he would have to pause and close his door, where before I was often put on speaker phone to say “Hi” to coworkers. He would unfriend me on Facebook, change his marital status when we would argue, and many times changed his ‘Hometown’ to Valdez. I would see his suspicious spending, his constant cash withdraws, and new PayPal account I didn’t have access to and bite my tongue.
I went from living in the wide open real world to living in a bubble filled with lies and I never took a hammer to the glass and walked out. I, Kelly who was once strong and smart, became a willing prisoner in a snow globe of lies, and I have a hard time accepting how pathetic I was. I have a hard time remembering how stupid I allowed myself to be. To accept my ‘new’ life, I have to admit to the life I lived those two years.
I am having a problem with acceptance.