I know I told the reasons why I gave my husband a second chance but did I ever say ‘Why I stayed’?
I didn’t stay for the kids. I know my kids, always have and always will, and they are resilient little suckers. If I had left their dad they would have adjusted and been okay. I never worried about them hating me for leaving, in fact I worried about them hating me for staying. At one point I told my husband…
“If he can’t forgive you and be around you? If he starts hating me for staying? I will have to leave, because I will not lose him because of you.”
I had noticed my oldest son staying away when my husband was home, and the hurt and resentment he harbored, and maybe it makes me a bad wife (I’m sure ‘the whore’ is screaming somewhere “I would always put you first!!!” to my husband…”Hey whore? Shut the Hell up!!”) but I put my kids first. They never asked to be born, to have me for a mother, or to be put in this messed up situation…so as their mom? I choose them, every single stinking time, I CHOOSE THEM.
Luckily for me, slowly my oldest gave my husband a second chance, and I think he forgave me for staying. I love that kid, he was my ‘other half’ all the years his dad traveled. He picked up the slack and helped me keep things running, he was the ‘Man of the House’ for thirteen years, and never complained. He can fix a dishwasher, wire in a ceiling fan, change the oil in a car, catch a calf, give a pig a shot, fix a lawn mower, rewire a lamp, paint, weld, build furniture, make a smoker, build fence, color coordinate Lou’s clothes, do laundry, bake cookies, make supper, and find forgiveness in his heart…He’s an amazing young man.
I didn’t stay for the money. I have never cared if we were poor or middle class, never cared where we lived, never cared what people thought. I unlike ‘the whore’ never cared what my husband’s salary was, or what he could buy me. But let’s be honest…if I had left I’d have been okay. He would have been paying child support, alimony and had to hand over half of everything. My life style would have changed some, but he would have felt it much more than me. I would have still been sitting in my house, with the cattle and kids watching sunsets. I didn’t stay for fear of losing my things.
I didn’t stay because I was afraid of what people would think. I write an open blog, I wave my families’ dirty laundry in the air and let people do the ‘sniff test’ if they want. I don’t care what people say or think, I’ve had people say horrible things about my being public about the affair, I’m a writer that “thinks it’s a great written story, which misses the above sometimes only to find it sounds fake, try’s to make them look/sound wonderful, written for other people’s interest, degrading and at the end only to find they want their part of the story told at the cost of family/friends/kids/husband. Believe me, when people read a blog like the above no one is interested it’s stop being read.” That was an actual ‘review’ of my blog I’m proud to say, and 50,000 views later I’m still here typing, not caring what anyone says or thinks……….Oopps sorry I was waving both middle fingers in the air for a minute, now I feel better.
I didn’t stay out of spite. You know, to get revenge, make sure ‘the whore’ couldn’t have him and he couldn’t be happy. I didn’t stay to ‘pay them back’, to make his life hell, to rub my marriage in her face. I’m actually too sane to do that, care too little about her, and too much about my kids to put my family through this for revenge. I draw the line at being an actual Lifetime Movie, it would be exhausting and way too much work. If revenge was my goal? I’d feed them to my pigs and be done, simple and sweet just like me.
“So why for the love of all things holy Kelly did you stay? Why not leave and start over? Set yourself free from the constant triggers, your husband sets off and heal?” Because my sweet friends, despite everything he did, despite him breaking my heart into a million and one little pieces, despite my anger at him and his actions, DESPITE EVERYTHING…I still love him. I know better than anyone, life is not a fairy tale, but maybe love can bring me a happy ending. I have tried not to love him, and I have failed, failed miserably. I knew I loved him the first time he kissed me, and still today, after EVERYTHING I still find the tiny piece of my heart which is left, in love with him. I have forced it out a billion times the last 17 months, built walls around my heart, and told myself “You will NOT love him!!” and as soon as I think the love is gone, I find it back firmly implanted in my heart.
I didn’t stay for my kids, for money, to save face, or for revenge…all of those reasons would have allowed me to walk out the door and never look back. I stayed for love.