Just Give Me A Reason

I know I told the reasons why I gave my husband a second chance but did I ever say ‘Why I stayed’?

I didn’t stay for the kids. I know my kids, always have and always will, and they are resilient little suckers. If I had left their dad they would have adjusted and been okay. I never worried about them hating me for leaving, in fact I worried about them hating me for staying. At one point I told my husband…

“If he can’t forgive you and be around you? If he starts hating me for staying? I will have to leave, because I will not lose him because of you.”

I had noticed my oldest son staying away when my husband was home, and the hurt and resentment he harbored, and maybe it makes me a bad wife (I’m sure ‘the whore’ is screaming somewhere “I would always put you first!!!” to my husband…”Hey whore? Shut the Hell up!!”) but I put my kids first. They never asked to be born, to have me for a mother, or to be put in this messed up situation…so as their mom? I choose them, every single stinking time, I CHOOSE THEM.

Luckily for me, slowly my oldest gave my husband a second chance, and I think he forgave me for staying. I love that kid, he was my ‘other half’ all the years his dad traveled. He picked up the slack and helped me keep things running, he was the ‘Man of the House’ for thirteen years, and never complained. He can fix a dishwasher, wire in a ceiling fan, change the oil in a car, catch a calf, give a pig a shot, fix a lawn mower, rewire a lamp, paint, weld, build furniture, make a smoker, build fence, color coordinate Lou’s clothes, do laundry, bake cookies, make supper, and find forgiveness in his heart…He’s an amazing young man.

I didn’t stay for the money. I have never cared if we were poor or middle class, never cared where we lived, never cared what people thought. I unlike ‘the whore’ never cared what my husband’s salary was, or what he could buy me. But let’s be honest…if I had left I’d have been okay. He would have been paying child support, alimony and had to hand over half of everything. My life style would have changed some, but he would have felt it much more than me. I would have still been sitting in my house, with the cattle and kids watching sunsets. I didn’t stay for fear of losing my things.

I didn’t stay because I was afraid of what people would think. I write an open blog, I wave my families’ dirty laundry in the air and let people do the ‘sniff test’ if they want. I don’t care what people say or think, I’ve had people say horrible things about my being public about the affair, I’m a writer that “thinks it’s a great written story, which misses the above sometimes only to find it sounds fake, try’s to make them look/sound wonderful, written for other people’s interest, degrading and at the end only to find they want their part of the story told at the cost of family/friends/kids/husband. Believe me, when people read a blog like the above no one is interested it’s stop being read.” That was an actual ‘review’ of my blog I’m proud to say, and 50,000 views later I’m still here typing, not caring what anyone says or thinks……….Oopps sorry I was waving both middle fingers in the air for a minute, now I feel better.

I didn’t stay out of spite. You know, to get revenge, make sure ‘the whore’ couldn’t have him and he couldn’t be happy. I didn’t stay to ‘pay them back’, to make his life hell, to rub my marriage in her face. I’m actually too sane to do that, care too little about her, and too much about my kids to put my family through this for revenge. I draw the line at being an actual Lifetime Movie, it would be exhausting and way too much work. If revenge was my goal? I’d feed them to my pigs and be done, simple and sweet just like me.

“So why for the love of all things holy Kelly did you stay? Why not leave and start over? Set yourself free from the constant triggers, your husband sets off and heal?” Because my sweet friends, despite everything he did, despite him breaking my heart into a million and one little pieces, despite my anger at him and his actions, DESPITE EVERYTHING…I still love him. I know better than anyone, life is not a fairy tale, but maybe love can bring me a happy ending. I have tried not to love him, and I have failed, failed miserably. I knew I loved him the first time he kissed me, and still today, after EVERYTHING I still find the tiny piece of my heart which is left, in love with him. I have forced it out a billion times the last 17 months, built walls around my heart, and told myself “You will NOT love him!!” and as soon as I think the love is gone, I find it back firmly implanted in my heart.

I didn’t stay for my kids, for money, to save face, or for revenge…all of those reasons would have allowed me to walk out the door and never look back. I stayed for love.

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22 Responses to Just Give Me A Reason

  1. Jackie says:

    You stayed because you are stronger than those who choose to walk away. It’s so easy to give up. And so hard to work through it. But worth it, so worth it.

  2. pabloswife says:

    I love that your son can catch a calf, give a pig a shot AND bake cookies! He’ll make a wonderful husband one day πŸ™‚

    I think ultimately love can be the only reason to stay. If you stay for any other reason, you are only setting your self up for failure… hell sometimes even love isn’t enough, but if you love your spouse, then it’s at least worth a shot! I too chose to stay because I love my husband and have done for the last 27 years! I realize that sometimes love isn’t enough but I’m hoping, in our case, it will be! Our’s may never be a fairytale but its our tale.

    Oh, and I hope your husband has a new found respect for the pigs. He’s pretty damn lucky he wasn’t on their lunch menu these past 17 months LOL πŸ˜‰

    • My son is going to make an awesome husband someday for sure, and he has already picked the girl out. She is amazing too (I’ve been told she reminds people of me πŸ™‚ and has helped him heal.

      Love is the only reason to stay, life is too short for any other reason.

      He knows he’s lucky I didn’t kill him, and he’s smart enough to realize his body would have never been found if I decided to πŸ˜‰

  3. brokenjoan says:

    I’ve ask myself many times why I’m still with my husband, I don’t feel the same way about him, I must still love him, but I can’t actually say those words with my whole heart anymore. Maybe it’s because he told another woman how much he loved her everyday for almost a year, or maybe my heart is just too broken to feel anything anymore! Whatever the reason, as dumb as this sounds I don’t want to hurt him, go figure! Hugs to all, Joan

    • Compassion is a wonderful quality Joan πŸ™‚ you are showing mercy and I know you are gonna heal someday. You are too strong and funny not too. Big hugs my sweet friend…XX

  4. Ain’t love the ultimate mind fuck? I mean, it’s masochistic at some level, right? We keep going through the pain because “love is the answer!”

    The Ultimate Mind Fuck

    Yeah, for those who are betrayed yet stayed spouses, love is our penance each and every day!

    I still want to be Samantha from Bewitched and wiggle my nose to inflict a little bit of “love” my husband’s way for “stepping out on our marriage” because he deserves it!

    • I told some friends just the other day I wanted powers like Carrie (Stephen King horror movie remake), I promised I’d only use them for good. Yes my friends laughed their asses off at me, and I admitted I’d use them to flay ‘some people) alive and then I’d pop their limbs off 😦 I’d never be a good telepath or millionaire, but man would I have fun πŸ˜‰

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Dear Tempted if love is the answer, what the fuck was the question again??? LOLπŸ˜‚

  6. eg0ground0 says:

    It’s a good thing mine decided to leave me because even though I know that he is bad for me, I would feel the same way. I still love him enough that I wouldn’t be able to give up. It hurts now but I imagine that in the long run I will be a better person for it.

    I hope that you prove to all of us that true love conquers all. πŸ™‚

    • From your lips to Gods ears πŸ™‚ I believe you will find someone worth loving someday…your ex isn’t bent he’s a broken, asshole…and someday he’s gonna wonder what the hell was he thinking and it will be too late.

  7. Nicetomeetu says:

    “I was waving both my middle fingers in the air”….thanks for the laugh! Enjoyed this piece! Unlike you, and after several other occurrences in my marriage….I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. Really struggling with it!

    • Lol thanks, I just found the ‘review’ funny… This person hasn’t talked to me in over a year, had never met my husband, doesn’t know the whore, or my children, BUT can claim my story is false and to know what it’s doing to my family. And I’m the crazy one?

      We all struggle with how we feel now, but I’ve known for awhile that no matter what I will always love him. It sucks sometimes though, the loving them thing.

      • Nicetomeetu says:

        Yes I can relate… Up until about six months ago. Hate the feeling of not knowing how I feel. Also he is at a very vulnerable and insecure place right now. I feel for him and what he’s found out about himself… But am still left with feeling numb. He still did the things he did and I’m left with how I feel! Either way… It sucks!!

  8. Joan…why bother asking, since the men in our lives don’t listen to us anyway! LOL

    xxoo

  9. Maria says:

    I admire your strength!

    But I can totally relate to your last 2 paragraphs… When that one person can be the cause of SO MUCH PAIN and be the one you STILL love so much.

  10. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, thank you for the vote of confidence, I hope we all heal someday & can find some peace in what’s left of our marriages. And I think we all need to be a little funny at times to break the cycle of murderous rage we all feel at times! LOLπŸ˜‚. Hugs from Joan

  11. Nephila says:

    How do you know when you stop loving him? Love is a verb, and a habit. I stayed and I don’t even know if I love him anymore. Because I love who he was, who I thought he was, not who he became.

  12. Looking back – I stayed with my husband all those years ( prior learning of his affair) , despite the abuse – because I probably somehow deep inside was hoping that he will revert to the man I fell in love many years ago. Despite the abuse.
    After learning of his affair – I did not yet completely throw him out of the house – firstly and mainly for my kids , secondly for myself . Once I have learned of the reason for his abuse – his whore – I want now myself to revert to who I used to be before I met him – confident , beautiful, happy girl with a lots of friends.
    I was a beautiful, confident woman on the photos of 2006 ( start of his affair ). 2 years later on the photos of 2008 – different woman – depressed, insecure woman with a sadness, screaming from her eyes.
    I did not want to make a decisions, when I was broken psychologically , when I was a total wreck. Dealing with a man, who spend 6 years preparing everything for himself … when I was unaware of what is going on, 6 years of destroying me. No, thanks. Not that fast.
    You wish to return me to the shop? – fine , no probs- only in the same condition, like I used to be . Not in the broken condition. After I have done an extensive restoration to the pre-used , blissful condition. My believe – I will heal better this way, then the other way.
    I was right at the bottom – I only have one way to go now – up to the top.
    I have started 3 years ago climbing back, up the stairs, to who I used to be before.
    Once I totally get over the whole thing, happy and confident woman, Then I will make my decisions.Whatever decision it will be.
    You raise a very interesting topic . By the meantime – I started my own block. Not yet fully understand how to operate the blogging… I used to comment as a Hope.

  13. I miss sometimes a man , who I fell in love many years ago.There is a man – walking around -who looks like him physically – but who is a total stranger and have nothing to do with him. I know nowadays – he never existed – he was a fantasy .A show , which my husband put together to lure me into relationship with him. He would show that nice man from time to time , between everyday being his real horrible ass-ole. Loving the man , who never existed – it’s like teenager love for image of some pop or movie star – not a real thing. Artificial thing.

  14. brokenjoan says:

    Nephila, well put I feel the same way I love the man he was, the man I thought he was, not the man he became!!!

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