Don’t Know What You Got

My good days scare my husband, which makes me sad.

After 17 months he expects my bad days and he has learned how to prepare himself for them. He can feel them coming and it’s almost a relief for him when they arrive, the anticipation is worse than the tears. I think he in a sick twisted way, likes the bad days, he needs my anger, it is what he thinks he deserves. He does, but I’m getting tired of giving him the punishment he craves. I’m tired of baking hate filled cookies and cramming them down his throat, watching him swallow over and over and ask for more. I’m kind of ready to move on, to maybe bake some cookies with sprinkles or chocolate chips, no one else likes the ones oozing hate.

I’ve had a good couple of weeks, no breakdowns since my middle son’s prom. I’ve been able to side step triggers, and at times disarm them with laughter. He has been distant and sad, he pulls me close at bedtime and jumps if I get up for a drink or to shut windows on the brewing storms. He hugs me and tells me how sorry he is, and randomly texts me throughout the days. Texts which tell me how sorry he is for the Hell he has made my life, for breaking me, for letting me down…he texted me while away on a business trip “I am a good person”, I often wonder about the demons he continues to fight. How many of them wear my face and use my words to hurt him?

I have been productive and busy, planting flowers and digging holes, scrubbing floors and throwing out junk. I have been as normal as I ever have been since D-day, and it is breaking his heart. He is getting a glimpse of the woman I was before he started his affair, before my world came crashing down, and it hurts him.

I wish he didn’t miss me, I wish he didn’t love the person I was, because she comes to visit but she never stays. I know when the triggers overload me, and the voices get loud again, I/she will be gone. The sadness will return and he will come home to dying flowers and a dirty house again. I wish he had realized he loved me and what he was going to lose before the affair. I wish he hadn’t been blinded by whore colored glasses and the promises of fun and no resposobilites…I wish I could give him the person I was back forever.

If wishes were horses than beggars would ride…

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5 Responses to Don’t Know What You Got

  1. pabloswife says:

    I guess your husband is a self flagellation kinda guy!! Maybe you should get him a whip!

    You’re right, it sounds as tho it makes him feel better when you are sad and mad. That if you are sad and mad he can do something to help you feel better but when you are dealing with all the shit and getting on with life he can’t be your knight in shining armor because quite frankly, you don’t need one! Maybe that was his problem all along, you were so strong, holding down the fort while he was away and he realized that you actually didn’t need him… or so he thought!!

    I think my husband felt the same way. I have basically raised our 4 kids on my own, while he has been working on his career traveling the world, leaving me to hold down the fort. And I did a pretty good job. We have 4 great, well rounded. well behaved kids. He was away so much that in the end I didn’t really need him, I ran the house, looked after the kids, I didn’t round up the pigs and catch calves with my bare hands but you get my drift! LOL!!

    Our husband’s are like great big kids, they need to feel needed, to feel wanted yet they chose to put so much of their time and efforts into their careers that they were no longer needed at home, except they were. We needed them to be there for us, someone to talk to, someone to love but they didn’t see that so they went and found some whore who needed looking after!!!!

    It sounds as tho you are tired of all this shit Kelly. I get it. I’m only 6 months in and I’m done too 🙂

    Keep wishing your wishes Kelly, don’t ever give up dreaming! He may never be able to be the husband he once was but hopefully he’ll be able to be a better one because he knows what he came so close to losing and will spend the rest of his days holding on with both hands xx

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly I love this post because it is sad but ever so true, the person we use to be is hidden deep inside, maybe she is afraid to come out, afraid of being hurt again, afraid of being too trusting again, of loving too much again, or maybe some days the hurt & confusion is just too much to face, so we send out the person we have become since D-day, because she’s not afraid, she’s not trusting, & she doesn’t know if she feels love, oh but she does feel & it’s not like anything she has ever felt before, at times it confuses her, it consumes her & then the tears fall because she remembers, she remembers & goes back inside to help comfort the broken me!

  3. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    In therapy tonight I said it was nice to get a glimpse of the woman I used to be because I was happy and didn’t feel threatened by the Evil Bitch. That’s not the case today.

    Weird how husbands react the opposite to our mood when we need them to feed the positivity and to help the dark moods by being nurturing and THERE for us. Kelly, can you please bottle the good mood and sell it to me? Your little 100lbs of happiness would obliterate all things bad in this world, I think 🙂

    • You will get good days that will turn into weeks too, some day I want the weeks to turn to months and months to years and all this to seem like a bad dream 🙂

      If I could figure out how to bottle it I’d be a millionaire and I’d be a really BAD millionaire, buying up trailer parks and kicking whores out, buying billboards to display pictures of her fat thigh, paying a band to follow me around playing the theme music of my life…Id give you a bottle free my sweet friend…Huge hugs xxx

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