I Do But I Don’t

My husband teased me yesterday and I laughed.

He started the teasing and I started poking and teasing him back. He dodged my fingers and grabbed me pulling me into him laughing. I was still giggling as he hugged me close and kissed the top of my head.

“I love hearing you laugh,” he whispered into my hair sadly.

How’s that for sad, when even in the happy moments,in the ‘used’ to be normal moments between us there is a sadness. He finds regrets in my laughter, my giggles remind him of what he lost. I wish my happiness wasn’t a trigger for him, but it is. I have triggers which I battle every single day, but his triggers are real too. My tears, my laughter, words spoken by our children…they all trigger in him regret and sadness…and I can’t control them for him.

I shouldn’t feel bad, he knew what he was doing when he made his choices. He knew what he could lose. He knew he was putting his family on the line, when he crossed it, and had an affair. I don’t think he ever thought I would stay, I would give him a second chance, he would be given the opportunity to rebuild his family…I think he was counting on not having to see the damage up close. Yet here he is standing in the shattered remains of his home, and he is having to clean up the mess. It’s like my teenage sons having a party…an all out 100 kegs, 1000 guests, stripper poles in each corner, baseball bats taken to my dishes, spray paint to the walls, burning the couch in the front yard, pissing off my porch party.

My boys say as it gets out of control “Screw it were dead anyway, moms gonna kill us and then kick us out, so we might as well blow up the house and party like it’s our last night!!” My first reaction? To kill the little shits as I’m seeing the cuss words in purple paint on my walls, and smell the scent of burning stuffing, urine and puke which has engulfed my house. I walk through dodging shards of glass and trash. My home is destroyed and laying on the floor, drunk and passed out are my sons. They see the anger and hurt in my eyes and are ready to leave the shattered remains of our family home. Instead? They are given the chore to clean up the mess, to scrub down the floors, repaint the walls, buy a new couch. Leaving? That would be too easy, and would let them imagine the work being done, and in time they would remember it as having not been ‘so bad’. They would tell themselves I overreacted, what’s a little puke?

It sucks for my husband, having to rebuild what he broke, having to live in the damaged family. At some point my laughter won’t hurt him, and my tears will fade. He won’t ever forget having to work everyday to clean up his mess. He will never think my hurt, my pain wasn’t real, he will never think it exaggerated.

He will always appreciate my laughter and giggles.

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3 Responses to I Do But I Don’t

  1. I hope in the end they “get it”. I hope this hard-won lesson sticks. I always made my view of adultery quite clear. Adulterers were one small click down the scum scale from murderers. So of course he thought I would leave. At the same time, I wonder if there wasn’t a tiny bit of certainty that I would NOT leave. That I would stay and fight for my marriage. I would believe the lies, and keep the home fires burning while he pursued his nasty affair until he turned even his own stomach and ended it. What is it they say? It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?

    Your description above is very spot on. Very much like what my husband described. He never set out to cheat, and when he realized how very far down the whore hole he had fallen, he felt trapped. He swears that he felt like his choice was already made. Although he didn’t want our marriage to be over, he felt that he had effectively ended it and he was left with the whore. That he somehow had to continue in THAT relationship because it was all he had left. As time went on, he realized several things. Mostly that I was fighting for our marriage and fighting for him. He says he began to feel hopeful that I would love him “even though”. He also realized what a POS she was and is. He couldn’t believe he had wasted one minute on her, as she is the exact opposite of the type of woman he would want to be with even if he WAS free to have a relationship. Lastly he realized he would rather be ALONE than with a whore. It’s just so desperately sad they had to put us all through hell to understand these things.

    • horsesrcumin says:

      EG, indeed. That is the exact same situation mine found himself in. Hard to back out – too damn late. He also realised (in time) that he’d rather be alone than with a skank. He told her repeatedly that they would drive each other insane if they lived together, her fantasy of that was just that, a fantasy, nothing more. He could see it very clearly, because he had 21 years of “real life, real relationship,” she had never, and only had some weird-ass romantic idea that it would be all candlelit dinners, him looking after her son, sex, flowers, coffee dates. Never did she factor in the “step-children” the reality of splitting our assets (she seemed to think he would just kick me out, with our children, and we would melt in the rain, just disappear!)

      Mine also comments if I laugh, also very sadly. One of the things he says is, “I haven’t seen your sparkle in years, you used to be so sparkly. I wish I hadn’t smeared poo all over it, and taken to the shine with heavy duty sandpaper. I wish I could polish it back to life.” Shittiest part of the whole thing.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    My husbands’ whore even told him “Oh don’t worry if she does find out she will never leave you, because you are such a great guy.” I ask you, all of you, in what fucking universe does a guy cheat on his wife if he is so great? And of course he said that inflated his ego even more, because then he thought I’ve got two women who want me! If that doesn’t prove what ass-holes men are, I don’t know what will. But of course the whore was right, they both screwed me over & I didn’t leave him & I’m left holding the bag they both shit in, to clean up!

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