I’ve been writing a lot and not posting them, or only half way finishing them.
Some of it has to do with my ‘darling’ Lou, she is home all day with me and bossy and VERY BUSY. If you are my friend in my other world (Facebook) you know what I’m talking about. I’ve had a lot of stuff the last month to get through…Prom, graduation, banquets, birthdays, Mother’s Day and so on. It’s been a flipping hard month, but I’ve made it. Only one day of crying in bed, trying to pull the covers over my head, mental breakdown, refusing to get up and cope. I’m doing better, and that is a little scary.
I know I should be doing cartwheels, laughing like a loon, and enjoying my break through. I’m not…
I’ve felt better before, it hasn’t lasted. Usually better is followed by a really bad crash, the kind that leads to darkness and tears. Every morning I wake up wondering if today is the day, will this trigger be the one which blows up my patched up world, will being thrust into the dark after living in the light cripple me beyond repair this time? These fears are real, and they haunt me as I enjoy my days. My biggest question? My biggest fear?
Loving him again….
These are days full of our old normal, full of laughter, which remind me of what we once were…I know better than anyone, you can’t go back. After an affair, your relationship changes, your marriage is never the same. I find myself wanting to trust him, wanting to believe in him again. I know I can’t, it’s only been 17 months since I found out, 17 months since he started trying again, 17 months since he stopped lying, and 17 months isn’t long enough. How long is ‘Long Enough’ then Kelly? I don’t know, but this isn’t the world, my marriage wasn’t destroyed in six days with time for a nap on the seventh. It took him two and a half years to see the world of lies and betrayal he created for what it was, to decide to stay and fight for his marriage and family, to try to be a better man.
I don’t trust the changes in him yet, I don’t believe in the man he’s trying to become, I don’t have the courage to trust again, put my self on the line for him.
I am enjoying my good days, but I still am on the lookout for storms on the horizon.