The Thunder Rolls

I’ve been writing a lot and not posting them, or only half way finishing them.

Some of it has to do with my ‘darling’ Lou, she is home all day with me and bossy and VERY BUSY. If you are my friend in my other world (Facebook) you know what I’m talking about. I’ve had a lot of stuff the last month to get through…Prom, graduation, banquets, birthdays, Mother’s Day and so on. It’s been a flipping hard month, but I’ve made it. Only one day of crying in bed, trying to pull the covers over my head, mental breakdown, refusing to get up and cope. I’m doing better, and that is a little scary.

I know I should be doing cartwheels, laughing like a loon, and enjoying my break through. I’m not…

I’ve felt better before, it hasn’t lasted. Usually better is followed by a really bad crash, the kind that leads to darkness and tears. Every morning I wake up wondering if today is the day, will this trigger be the one which blows up my patched up world, will being thrust into the dark after living in the light cripple me beyond repair this time? These fears are real, and they haunt me as I enjoy my days. My biggest question? My biggest fear?

Loving him again….

These are days full of our old normal, full of laughter, which remind me of what we once were…I know better than anyone, you can’t go back. After an affair, your relationship changes, your marriage is never the same. I find myself wanting to trust him, wanting to believe in him again. I know I can’t, it’s only been 17 months since I found out, 17 months since he started trying again, 17 months since he stopped lying, and 17 months isn’t long enough. How long is ‘Long Enough’ then Kelly? I don’t know, but this isn’t the world, my marriage wasn’t destroyed in six days with time for a nap on the seventh. It took him two and a half years to see the world of lies and betrayal he created for what it was, to decide to stay and fight for his marriage and family, to try to be a better man.

I don’t trust the changes in him yet, I don’t believe in the man he’s trying to become, I don’t have the courage to trust again, put my self on the line for him.

I am enjoying my good days, but I still am on the lookout for storms on the horizon.

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10 Responses to The Thunder Rolls

  1. pabloswife says:

    I hope the storm clouds just roll on by Kelly, and that your heart stays safe.

    I know it’s hard to trust again, and that even if we manage it, things will never be the same, the trust, altho hopefully being rebuilt slowly, will probably never be the same as it was. It’s a self preservation thing, once your car refuses to start one morning, the trust that it’ll start every morning is gone. You may get many thousands of miles more in that car but you’ll never again trust it 100% and thats just a car… not the person you gave your life, your love and your heart to!!

    Maybe the trick is just not to expect to ever be able to trust them 100% again. To hope that love is enough to keep us together. To understand that our marriages will never be the same. By all accounts, 17 months is still early days, altho I’m sure it seems like a lifetime!

    No matter how much they change, no matter what effort they put in to rebuilding our marriages and themselves, they can never undo what they have done, so kudos to them for even trying. Its hard enough living the life of a betrayed spouse, I can’t begin to imagine living the life of a lying, cheating asshole! Seeing the damage inflicted upon your loved ones day in day out! Seeing the mistrust in their eyes, hearing it in the voices. I always wonder whether it would have been easier for me to have ended this marriage on D Day, I’m pretty sure it would have been easier for him!!

    Blow those storm clouds away Kelly, you have enough to be dealing with my friend xx

    • Very, very well said. I read the phrase “verified trust” somewhere. Mostly I do trust that is (once again) who he says he is. I trust that he is going to make good choices. But there are thoughts in the back of my mind that are there and before they were not. Ever. But you are so right also, when you talk about living THEIR lives. Not for a million bucks sister! My husband has so much despair over what he has done and how he is afraid he will be remembered. Sadly, part of his legacy WILL be the pain and hell he inflicted on us.

  2. I tend to feel similar ways. I hate it, its drowning. I have been trying to come up with ways to make things better between us, and yet it literally seems impossible.

  3. I hope things get better for you

  4. I can relate to this post, too, Kelly. I’m feeling like I’m at a turning point of trust with my husband, too. It’s been 7 months and two days. I feel like I am getting very comfortable and not feeling threatened 24 hours/day. I’m actually scared to feel this comfortable. That all changes next week when Evil Bitch returns. I’m already stressing about it privately. I know my husband is showing signs of it. Anyway, it’s like I want to trust but I don’t want to be the pushover and trust so soon and feel the fool again. Trust in him and trust in my feelings. It’s like a mirror in a mirror!

  5. brokenjoan says:

    I feel as though I can trust my husband not to cheat again, he is very remorseful, cries most days, tells me how sorry he is, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it’s like I don’t even care anymore! It’s like he’s already broken his vows to me, what does it matter if he cheats again. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but it’s how I feel. Has anyone else felt this way? Sometimes I actually feel as though I have lost my mind, especially when I say crazy shit that makes no sense. It’s like I don’t care if he loves me now or not! Sorry, I know this sounds stupid! XO Joan

    • Never stupid, maybe crazy but aren’t we all. Caring makes you vulnerable and who wants to be like that? We have to protect ourselves because they didn’t protect us, we trusted them and they fed us to the whores. I hope someday you can let your guard down again my sweet friend…and I hope someday he deserves your trust 🙂

    • Joan, I understand how you feel. Sometimes I have the very uncomfortable feeling that I am watching my life from behind a piece of plexiglass. It is like there is still just one small, yet tough layer standing between me and my life. I think everyone around me feels it. I am there, but no fully in. I lived through this affair and had to harden some part of my heart to get through it. It’s hard to lower the shield and wonder if you are going to get hit again. Baby steps!

  6. brokenjoan says:

    Thank you Kelly, but I don’t think I will ever be that stupid again! XO Joan

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Thank you exercisegrace, I’m sure you do understand how I feel all to well, I hope our baby steps lead us to where we want to go, wherever that might be, I hope we find happiness again! XO Joan

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