This wasn’t the life I planned.
I didn’t ask for this life, and I didn’t want it…I don’t want it. My Life? The one I had planned? It was a simple one, no bells and whistles, no dreams of fame and fortune…I just wanted a simple life. I wanted it to be full of children and laughter, I wanted it to have love and forever, I wanted it to be stable and easy, but like the song goes “You can’t always get what you want”, ain’t that the truth. Sometimes the most simple wishes don’t come true, and it sucks.
I had the house full of children, more children than were mine, and I never minded. I embraced them and the noise and messes they created, I always knew my time with them was coming to an end. Children grow up and move on, leaving empty clean houses in their wake. I once had a love I thought was forever, and even when it was dying and on its last breath I refused to see it. I kept dressing it up, putting on lipstick and pretending it was alive. Like Norman Bates’ mother I propped it up in a rocking chair and pretended it was here with me, it still loved me, and wanted me. When the life I planned stopped being easy, I argued that it was still stable, and in the end that was the part that mattered. It was a stable life, I knew what would come next, and someday if I tried real hard it would be easy again.
About the time it all came crumbling down, things were looking up. I remember checking cows down in the field th e day before I found out, and it was sunny and beautiful. I turned my face up to the sun and let the warmth flood over my body, and I thanked God. I thanked him for my happiness, and the sense of peace I felt. I had counted my blessing and knew I was lucky, I had a family and home I loved. For just an instant happiness lived here, full-fledged happiness, the kind they write books about. It wasn’t perfect, but I had found happiness in my imperfect world.
Joseph Campbell wrote “We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Good advice Joseph, but man it ain’t easy. At least not for me, I’m a planner, gotta know what’s next, what’s gonna happen…a let’s stick to the plan kind of girl. Motherhood made me that way, and I worked my ass off for the life I had planned.
I stayed home with my kids. I didn’t party in my twenties because I was a mom and a wife. I put aside my childhood, my dreams and embraced being a mom and wife. I had a life planned and it was supposed to end with me rocking on my porch with my husband, watching my grandchildren play.
It was hard coming to terms with the life I now have. Knowing ‘shit happens’ and it can all come crumbling down. I have a hard time planning now…what use is it when your life can be destroyed and you don’t even get a say?
One thing my husband has pointed out was that “I didn’t have a choice (during the affair) but I do now”. He’s right I was living in the dark then and wasn’t given a voice, but it’s light here now and I’m talking loud for all to hear.
My problem now? I have to do as Joseph said and let go of my planned life. I have to stop mourning the loss and let it go.
Letting go isn’t easy.