You Can’t Always Get What You Want

This wasn’t the life I planned.

I didn’t ask for this life, and I didn’t want it…I don’t want it. My Life? The one I had planned? It was a simple one, no bells and whistles, no dreams of fame and fortune…I just wanted a simple life. I wanted it to be full of children and laughter, I wanted it to have love and forever, I wanted it to be stable and easy, but like the song goes “You can’t always get what you want”, ain’t that the truth. Sometimes the most simple wishes don’t come true, and it sucks.

I had the house full of children, more children than were mine, and I never minded. I embraced them and the noise and messes they created, I always knew my time with them was coming to an end. Children grow up and move on, leaving empty clean houses in their wake. I once had a love I thought was forever, and even when it was dying and on its last breath I refused to see it. I kept dressing it up, putting on lipstick and pretending it was alive. Like Norman Bates’ mother I propped it up in a rocking chair and pretended it was here with me, it still loved me, and wanted me. When the life I planned stopped being easy, I argued that it was still stable, and in the end that was the part that mattered. It was a stable life, I knew what would come next, and someday if I tried real hard it would be easy again.

About the time it all came crumbling down, things were looking up. I remember checking cows down in the field th e day before I found out, and it was sunny and beautiful. I turned my face up to the sun and let the warmth flood over my body, and I thanked God. I thanked him for my happiness, and the sense of peace I felt. I had counted my blessing and knew I was lucky, I had a family and home I loved. For just an instant happiness lived here, full-fledged happiness, the kind they write books about. It wasn’t perfect, but I had found happiness in my imperfect world.

Joseph Campbell wrote “We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Good advice Joseph, but man it ain’t easy. At least not for me, I’m a planner, gotta know what’s next, what’s gonna happen…a let’s stick to the plan kind of girl. Motherhood made me that way, and I worked my ass off for the life I had planned.

I stayed home with my kids. I didn’t party in my twenties because I was a mom and a wife. I put aside my childhood, my dreams and embraced being a mom and wife. I had a life planned and it was supposed to end with me rocking on my porch with my husband, watching my grandchildren play.

It was hard coming to terms with the life I now have. Knowing ‘shit happens’ and it can all come crumbling down. I have a hard time planning now…what use is it when your life can be destroyed and you don’t even get a say?

One thing my husband has pointed out was that “I didn’t have a choice (during the affair) but I do now”. He’s right I was living in the dark then and wasn’t given a voice, but it’s light here now and I’m talking loud for all to hear.

My problem now? I have to do as Joseph said and let go of my planned life. I have to stop mourning the loss and let it go.

Letting go isn’t easy.

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8 Responses to You Can’t Always Get What You Want

  1. pabloswife says:

    Ain’t that the truth Kelly!! It’s definitely akin to a death, I’ve felt that since DDay. I’m hoping that, like the death of my mom 10 years ago, I will survive this most heartbreaking of chapters in my life. I have to, I don’t see any alternative. But you’re right, it ain’t easy and every day since 27 October 2013 has been filled with reminders that my husband didn’t love “us” enough to keep it in his pants! Surely it wasn’t that difficult 😦

  2. I’m feeling exactly the same. And I have no idea what to do with how I feel.

  3. brokenjoan says:

    I don’t think any of us know what to do with how we feel, if we did we wouldn’t still be talking about it, so join the majority! Good luck, joan💔

  4. Gloria says:

    “I’m a planner, gotta know what’s next, what’s gonna happen”. So am I. One of my most overused phrases is “what’s the plan?” I’m making one, seeing a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row, planning to present him with divorce papers at the end of the school year in July, but after that, I have no idea what the plan is. Hopefully Joseph Campbell is right. (Formerly 1myr)

  5. Forever Changed Now says:

    What to do with it? That is the question, isn’t it? We can’t go back to what we thought it was. If only we could! One thing for sure. It’s not our fault. This is their character defect. Theirs and the whores involved!

  6. Halohalo says:

    It’s been 12 hours since tha last Dday3. Do I count it as one Dday though or is it seperated everytime I find out something new? 5 weeks ago I started with one ons. 3 days ago, that ons was really a full on relationship, yesterday morning it was 4 whores, last night the tally came up to 11. 11 over our entire marriage….that he’s admitted to. I’m still tryig to wrap my head around the fact that everything I thought was true was a lie. I think how glad it was that I found all your blogs months before dday. Did I know, were there signs? Why didn’t I know my husband was screwing around. Where to go from here? My life really isn’t what I thought it was.

    • There were signs I’m sure but trust makes you see through rosé colored glasses, and warps reality. You husband might be a lie but you aren’t, pinch your leg…it hurts you live in the real world, where there is pain and sadness, liars and whores, where bad shit happens…he was living in a pretend world.

      You now have the truth, and knowledge, it’s a powerful thing. It can either save your marriage or give you the strength to walk away. Blow his pretend world up either way, and take your life back.

      Hugs to you as you start down your path to healing…buy some new shoes its a long journey.

      • Halohalo says:

        I tried to think about the signs. I want to know what to look for if I stay. I thought back to when he would be ugly to me but he always had times he was being ugly. I flipped through the years in my head. Nothing stands out. No emails, texts, fb, bc they were mostly ons when he would go out of town for work. I’m sure there were but, I wouldn’t have recognize them bc he’s cheated since the beginning of marriage. I didn’t have a before cheating & after cheating….during cheating personality. He was always cheating.
        I just asked him why he stopped (he said he stopped 2008) bc he said I changed. I loved him more, I didn’t argue with him anymore….I asked him, did he maybe think, I changed bc he stopped SLEEPING around?! ….I’ll buy those shoes, but I want to throw them at his head! I know I’ve got to get around, get through this though…I’m 13 weeks pregnant. The stress is weighing on me & the baby. After he told me about the 4 ow, I ended up at the ER bc I was bleeding & cramping.

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