Just Breathe

I’m writing beside the ocean this morning.

The breeze is ruffling my hair as I sit on the deck and breathe, yes breathe, it’s what I concentrate on doing. I used to do it naturally, it came to me without a thought, it was as simple as breathing. How did a function so simple become one I had to think about? Oh yeah, my husband slept with, had an affair with, latched on to a whore. Because of his actions I now have to remember to breathe, and sometimes I don’t want to.

I don’t want to breathe, I want to be two again and hold my breath until I get my way…maybe I will throw myself on the deck and beat my fists on the wood while doing it, just for shits and giggles. My face will turn purple and my family will watch in horror as I flop around throwing my fit, my shit fit of screw you to the world. I can’t control what has happened to me, the triggers I feel, or the uncontrollable pain, but I can control if I breathe or not.

I wonder how long I could hold my breath? Could I hold it until my head literally exploded? And let’s say my head did explode, what then? As my family is circling me and I’m beating on the deck with a purple face, my head starts expanding, like on the Saturday morning cartoons it keeps growing and growing, until BOOM, it explodes. Instead of just brains and blood, do tiny people come running out? Is crazy Kelly an actual mini person who lives in my head? Does she share a house with sad Kelly, and whiny Kelly? If so why hasn’t she killed them yet? Crazy Kelly is a mean bitch don’t tell me she hasn’t taken after whiny Kelly with a knife…unless Bob my inner shrink is there too. If he lives there in a mini house with those three he must be exhausted trying to keep the peace.

My head has exploded and mini people the size of a tic tac are running around the deck, what the hell is my family doing? Are they all in shock, standing in horror? Probably except for my Lou, she’s probably grabbing her ‘crab cage’, a small bucket with a lid that has a magnifying lid on the top, so you can watch them behind the safety of glass. I could see her grab them all up, giving them a pat on the head and throwing them in her bucket. Blood and brains be damned, she’s got some cool new pets.

I just hope if my head does explode and all the voices come spilling out in the aftermath, someone in my family is at least smart enough to do the world a favor…anyone dressed in a cancan outfit with a whiny voice and puckering her lips? Please for the love of all things holy, step on that bitch for me…seriously, one quick step down hard, with a twist at that end, like killing a spider, or a scorpion…or a nasty whore.

I’m sitting by the ocean remembering to breathe.

“Stay with me…
Let’s just breathe…

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me
You’re all I see…

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me

As I come clean…
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave…

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah…

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side…”

-Pearl Jam-

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3 Responses to Just Breathe

  1. Will stomp on cancanwhore and squish her like the parasite she is.

    Breathing is something I’m learning, too. Yoga is kind of cool like that. You hear that weird, disconnected voice of the yogi telling us to listen to the air rushing in and out of our lungs, seeing with our third eye and letting all the stresses of our world release. Yeah, okay, yogi – guess your husband fucked you over, too, huh? ha!

    Temper tantrums would be a good reaction, I think. In fact, would have been great in the middle of a restaurant.

    I like those little Kelly’s – you know why? Because they are REAL women. We all have them. Lots of little women trapped in our heads. I’d take a lot of little real women than one fake one any day.

  2. Ryan says:

    I’m up for a little ocean therapy today 😉

  3. brokenjoan says:

    The ocean is suppose to have a healing, calming effect on people, so I hope it’s big enough to calm all the little people inside your head! I hope you relax & breathe! XO Joan

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