I’m thinking of giving my husband a ‘triggers’ list for Father’s Day.
What do you get the father who had an affair? Who broke your wedding vows and your heart? Who was an unappreciative asshole on his last Father’s Day before D-day. We bought him a little something but his ‘main’ gift? My oldest son and I sanded down, stained, and put new furniture on our wrap around porch so my husband had a ‘retreat’ while he was home. He wasn’t really thankful for the week-long sweaty labor intensive present, but Lord did he use it. He would sit out there in the evenings having a drink, cigar, and texting his whore. It’s a good thing I’m past my really angry phase cuz that part of me, she’d like to stuff his mouth with a cigar while he’s duct tapped down to the porch and lite it on fire…the cigar, not the porch. I don’t want to kill him, I just want to watch smoke come out his ears. I’m not angry like that anymore, really I’m not.
So instead of lighting him on fire, I want to give him a nice card and inside will be a four page single spaced list of my triggers. It would be a helpful present, not as helpful as a place to set and enjoy the breeze while texting your whore, but it’s as helpful as I can be this year.
Instead of always wondering “Shit what did I say”, or “Why is she looking so sad”, instead he will know “Hey it’s a trigger, I need to shut up, drive faster, switch the song, or just apologize.” It could be his handy ‘cheat’ sheet, and when in doubt he could pull it out. I’m sure in a couple of months it would be tattered and torn, stained with blood and tears, but it would be the most useful Father’s Day gift he ever received.
Patron, fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, truffles, chicken and dumplings, sushi, tuna, chinese food,spicy sausage, steak, Guy Fiere, pecan pie, donuts, oysters, wine, seafood boils,banana chips, peanut butter cheerios,popcorn, christmas candy, milk, breakfast sandwiches, fish tacos, whip cream, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Lou’s Birthday, Valdez Gold Rush Days, Halloween, My Birthday, His Birthday, graduations, weddings, My anniversary, scotch, cigars, my porch, cows, pigs, puppies,cow shows, pig shows, my pig barn, his phone, my phone, his computer, iPods, running, pink, glittery shit, GM Arcadias, the whore’s god given name, fat old ladies, washing machines, Brad Paisley, Johnny Cash, June Cash, sunsets, boats, fishing, homecoming games, proms, my daughter’s first steps, swimming in the ocean, princess, the phrases ‘butt dance’ and ‘my tummy hurts’ (said by a thirty year old woman mind you), baseball games, babysitting, Eureka Springs, Hard Rock Hotel, his Alaska ‘friends’, loud dumbass red-headed men, my mixer, humidors, dark eyeliner, fat asses, fat thighs, mobile homes, trailer trash, Oklahoma, funerals, psychics, smores, fire pits, movies, bunco, drunks, snow, his work, fad diets, stupid people, Cat In The Hat, Finding Nemo, texts, emails, Can Can outfits,tutus, money clips, princess clothes, bad tattoos, the beach, my son’s dorm room, dad’s birthday, his grandpa, my grandma, Lou, my oldest son, my youngest son, my future daughter in law, The DMV, Alaska, broken bones, airports, OSU, University of Texas, gas stations, court, vacations, Branson, road trips, pictures of my kids, nail polish, nail salons,doctor offices,hospitals, tread mills, diets, tanning salons, my mailbox, my middle son’s drivers license, whiny women, the sound of the ocean,flowers, cards, the sound of a squeaky voice, bars, boxer shorts, bad hair dye jobs, red lipstick, selfies, short skirts, heels, disney princesses,my wedding, cooking shows, pink BB guns, my porch, his apartment, his clothes, his suitcase, his coat, his smile, his laugh, his words, his promises, HIM…
Those are just off the top of my head, no hard thinking involved.
And people wonder why Crazy Kelly has issues.
“Mama was a looker
Lord, how she shined
Papa was a good’n
But the jealous kind
Papa loved Mama
Mama loved men
Mama’s in the graveyard
Papa’s in the pen”