Handlebars

I’m finding a roadblock in my recovery.

My husband…

I could leave it at that and be done, no one would question me, because he is my biggest trigger. However it’s not so much his being a giant trigger it’s his being hyper aware to me. It’s his babying me…pampering me, not expecting anything from me, wanting to spend all his time with me, always complimenting me, his loving me.

I know “Cry me a river Kelly!!” but let me explain…

I love Starbucks, so any random day I wake up to find a cup waiting beside my bed. He will wake up early and run 20 minutes to town to bring me back my coffee. He does it at least once a week, and every time I feel bad. He will now watch ‘my shows’ with me, and will turn quickly from anything he’s watching when I sit down beside him. He does this daily and I feel bad. He eats out where ever I want and will go way out of his way to surprise me with my favorites. He does this constantly and I feel bad. He has taken over all my farm chores, and even when I do them because he’s out-of-town he adjusts them for me. I can dump feed, but he will spray out the pens, and hay when he gets home. I feel bad, because it’s a lot of work and hard to take on by yourself. (I know I did them for 13 years while he was on the road) He doesn’t sleep because of nightmares, and the constant need to ‘find’ me in bed. I feel bad, because I sleep like a log most nights, and have had only half a dozen nightmares. I feel bad because he is dreaming of the past, and is afraid he will find me in a ball on the bathroom floor exhausted from crying.

I want to be me again, and I don’t like being treated like a baby, or someone in recovery. I understand his helping me when I was healing, but I think I’m ready to take off the training wheels and ride again. I want to ride fast, sometimes gliding down the hills with no hands on the handlebars. I want to let go of the past and starting looking at the future, MY FUTURE. It’s hard with his constant reminders, the little things he does to ‘make it up to me’. Guess what? Things like this can’t be made up for, he didn’t break my mixer, he broke my heart, and no matter how much he tries it will never be the same. He can’t buy me a new one, or send it off for repair. He can prove to me he’s changed, and be a better man but, he has to let me move on. Even if guilt and remorse doesn’t let him.

My arms are getting flabby from not lifting fifty pound feed sacks, and not carrying buckets. My weight gain is great, Lord knows I needed it, but Starbucks will make me fat. I don’t like having my way always, and having to eat Coney Islander and watch Storage Wars is a compromise, marriage is about compromise. I want to sleep without him waking me up, always needing to find me beside him in the dark. I want him to sleep, and stop dreaming of the past.

I’m healing, I need him to heal too.

“Look at me, look at me
Driving and I won’t stop
And it feels so good to be alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can handout a million vaccinations
Or let em all die from exasperation
Have ’em all healed from their lacerations
Or have em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don’t like them
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command because

I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
And I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope

And I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars”

-Flobots-

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13 Responses to Handlebars

  1. brokenjoan says:

    So is bad Kelly gone or did you sedate her while writing this! LOL. I have to tell you my husband is doing the same things, even down to the Starbucks coffee runs, but unlike you, I am enjoying it! I plan on savoring every minute of his groveling, it’s the least I deserve after what he did! I am still a long way off from that blissful state of healing, don’t know when or if you ever really heal or just accept the plate of shit you’ve been handed & move on! So until whatever happens,happens, the bitch that him & his whore created is still alive & well!!!!!! It is what it is! XO (still hurting) Joan

  2. I would imagine he’s waiting for your signal, and say so. I’m sure he’s gun-shy and would really like to know what you you still need from him.

    This is so encouraging, Kelly! It’s like you are a cranky patient in the hospital, which the nurses would deem ready for discharge because you would be well enough to go home!

    Happy Friggin Friday!!! Xoxo

    • I know I’m a horrible sick person, and I hate hospitals. Everyone doing everything for you, and wanting to measure your pee to see if you’ve drank enough fluids…I’m glad he hasn’t thought of that yet 🙂 I know why I’m cranky, cuz I want everything back to normal, and he refuses. This is my ‘new’ normal, and now that I can function again I want to be me. I do love the coffee though lol.

      • Take the coffee…LOL. New normal is hard to take. I’m experiencing it myself.

        After Dday, I was the one kissing his ass and being the perfect wife, agreeing with anything and everything. After a while, I realized I lost myself. Yet, a new one remains, who has risen from the dust of ruin. I am stronger, but softer in many ways. Sometimes, it’s an act. But, mostly, I am a softer version. I can accept that. It seems to be working for us.

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    I hear ya, Kelly. They’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Neither way works. Such a Catch 22. Mine (when we slept together, yep) would literally push me out of bed with his claustrophobic need to be glued to me at night. There is some comfort in their remorse and need, but mostly it is smothering after a while!

  4. My husband has been doing the same things too. To go from not being the focus of his attention to being the only thing he pays attention to is confusing and exhausting. I have reached my limit with this and started taking back some of the things he thinks his doing will make everything better (never going to happen). Last weekend I told him that I am a big girl and can make my own lunch. That apparently hurt his feelings, but I really don’t care. I have to be able to take care of my own needs – just like I was when he was screwing the trashy whore.

  5. cupcakes4eva says:

    Mine is begging to stay but at the same time there’s only begging there’s no action. He told me tonight, he didn’t KNOW how to love me….I told him, shizz you figured out how to get 10 whores into your bed but you don’t know how to wine & dine your wife of 21 years?! I have to write it down for you or google that & print ot out?! I told him, it’s not looking good for him. I still wake up every morning make his gluten free bf, lunch, dinner, & this azzhat asks ME what he should do to make it up to him?! Sorry for venting, it’s a bad night!

  6. LYsaidso says:

    enjoy the groveling. My husband is no longer acting sorry or like he owes me anything, and it really pisses me off.

  7. I wonder if he is rather not treating you like a baby, but cherishing you the way you should have been cherished all along. These are the things God has put on his heart to do and to serve his beautiful, super funny, insightful wife… maybe?

    I definitely know that like horsesrcumin says it’s a catch 22. That’s why mine has such a hard time and does very little to nothing at all, because at the beginning of all of this I was like I don’t want him to do nice things for me because of penance, guilt, what kind of disgusting relationship is that? Fuck off asshole!!

    But on the flipside you’ve talked about how much the man loves you and you love him. You put up a dam good fight for your marriage, he knows it, sees it, hell probably even reads about it 🙂 So I’m betting he knows you don’t want to be treated like a baby.. hell a baby wouldn’t have fought the demons to save her marriage, or her sanity with this 2 year affair bullshit. A chic with massive lady balls does that!! ❤

    Maybe he wants the future just as much for you and him and he thinks you can do way better things with your time? Like blog more? 🙂 Purely selfish reasons on my part! ❤ But that's just my two cents..

    I wish I thought nice things about my husband and didn't think everything he does is a lie, or deceiving, or I could even believe he loves me.

    • He says he’s going to treat me like he should have all along, he knows what he almost lost and he’s gonna make sure he doesn’t ever lose me. He also knows how broken I was, how far I have come and doesn’t want me falling (or being drug) down the rabbit hole again.

      He does love me, but I just miss being treated like I was tough.

      I didn’t believe anything 18 months ago, Hell I couldn’t get out of bed, so hang on it can get better.

  8. Pingback: The drive and Here | How To Not Hate My Husband

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