I’ve been busy this last week, we had a party.
A big cook-out to celebrate our oldest two kids turning 20 and 18. It was actually fun, and made me feel normal. It was the first big party since my oldest son’s graduation two years ago. There were triggers galore, but I kept the anger and crazy at bay.
I’m getting better at keeping the past in the past and living in the present. Little thing I do when I feel the triggers and anger? I take a deep breathe and tell myself “I’m here in the present” and I keep repeating it until it gets easier to breath.
I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to keep revisiting the hurt. I used to torture myself every minute of every day with thoughts of the whore and my husband. I used to only see the man my husband was during the affair, and it shadowed and hid the man he was trying to be. I used to hate myself for being weak, stupid, and blind. I used to be so stinking angry and sad that I couldn’t function. I don’t live there anymore, in the past.
I cleaned up my yard for the party, and at times wondered “What the Hell did I do last summer?”. I didn’t do any new projects, my flower beds were left unattended, my new walkway was left undone, and Lou’s play area was in need of love. I got it all done, back to pre-affair condition, and now I’m eyeing painting Lou’s room.
Am I back to 100%? No, but I’m at peace with my new normal right now. I’m running a marathon not a sprint, and I know it’s not about being done quickly but having the endurance to finish. The progress I have made in a year is enough for me at the moment. I’m content that my family is together, my kids are thriving, growing, and multiplying.
I wanted to take a family picture at the party, one with all my ‘kids’. My kid from Ohio came home to see me, my Miguel and his very pregnant girlfriend was there, my married ‘kid’ and his sweet wife, my oldest son and his amazing girlfriend, my middle son who will soon be 18, my youngest son who has grown so much, my ginger ‘kid’, and last but not least Lou…who started the night in a princess outfit…and I didn’t even make her change, instead I smiled with a shake of my head and said ” If she wants to be a princess, she can be a princess.” I wanted a picture with all of them around me, to put on the mantle, and to start replacing the past with my present. Things were too crazy and I never got my picture, but I’ve been promised another visit in the fall from Ohio, and I’m going to make them all stop and smile for me then.
I want a picture of my life now…My present, the one I’ve fought for, the one I think I might find my happy in…They say you can’t go home again, but I’m going to build a new home. One stronger and better than before, no sticks and hay for me. I’m going to build it out of brick and mortar, so now matter how hard the whore might huff and puff, she can’t blow it over. I’m going to fill it with new memories.
Me happy? Who’d have thunk it?
“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I’m someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I’ll leave.
Won’t take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.”