I got mad at my husband today…
It was another giant step in my recovery/healing because I got mad about a normal thing. I got mad because he had dumped some smoker residue (burnt wood, ashes, act) into my yard. I was mowing and I came upon it and was like,
“Seriously!! I spent the last week cleaning up the yard and you dump it here? Not in the field but here?? UGHHH!!” and as I was shaking my head and fuming at him being a man, and an idiot, it hit me. I’m normal mad. Healthy mad. Just mad.
Last summer it would have went from him dumping coals to a u-turn back to the affair.
“Why should he respect my yard when he can’t even respect me? This just shows how little he cares!! I knew he wasn’t going to change!!” And I would have went from a one to a ten on the mad scale in about 1.5 seconds.
Healthy mad was a milestone, it felt good. Now don’t get me wrong I’m still not ‘normal’. Instead of the ‘Old pre-affair Kelly’ who would have got a rake and a shovel and scooped it up and thrown it over the fence, ‘New Kelly’ ran that shit over. Not once but several times and imagined it was a roasted whore, and it felt good.
Poof she was gone in a puff of smoke and ashes…sometimes being crazy isn’t bad.
Sometimes I even like it.
“I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone.
I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn.
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs.
I crashed my car into the bridge.
I don’t care, I love it.
I don’t care.”