Break On Through (To The Other Side)

I found out about the affair on a Wednesday.

By Monday of the next week my oldest son had went back to college, my sister and niece back to Kansas, my friends and father-in-law had stopped babysitting me, and I was given breathing space. My kids were over the shock enough to point out we were out of groceries, and they needed snacks, toilet paper and juice.

I drove to town and I remember walking through the store like I was a zombie. It was the same grocery store I had used for twenty years, and I walked through randomly filling my cart. I had no list, no meal plans, no idea what I needed so I just put things in. When people talk about walking around in a fog? I now know what they mean, it was as if I was there and not there, as if I was alone yet everyone was staring, and I felt numb.

I kept wondering if everyone knew. I kept hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. I was so stinking tired, dehydrated from crying, and sad…the kind of sad where your eyes keep watering and your chest tightening and every single stinking breath is a struggle. I could feel myself panicking and I kept telling myself to “Get my shit and get out”. I’m sure I looked crazy throwing stuff in the cart, my hair a mess, my eyes swollen.

I finally checked out and my cashier asked me

“How’s it going?”

I felt laughter bubbling up in my throat, and swallowed it down, knowing if I let it escape it wouldn’t stop and I would end up laughing until it turned to cries, then crying till it turned to screams…the end being when they called an ambulance and put me in the hospital on a 24 hr. hold.

“Okay,” I replied with a sad smile, and looked at my phone to keep her from making random chit-chat.

On the drive home my eyes kept loosing focus, and I felt like I was driving drunk. I couldn’t keep my attention on the road, and the radio couldn’t drown out the voices screaming in my head. The emails and texts kept playing over and over in my head. The whore’s words, bat shit crazy’s words, my husbands lies, my questions were all on an endless play track. Over and over they screamed in my head. I looked down and was going 50 in a 70, and struggled to speed up, concentrate on driving.

There is a bridge on the way home, and as I came to it, all I wanted was to swerve right. To stop the voices, the sadness, the pain…to stop the new life I had thrust on me by opening the damn letter. I just wanted it all to stop.

Time can stand still, and in that instant I had a hundred thoughts, and a thousand choices running through my head.

“No one will know”

“Everyone will know”

“No one will blame you”

“Everyone will blame you”

“He will suffer”

“He will have to live with it”

“It will be over”

“I am tired”

“I don’t want this life”

“I am done”

Then I thought about my kids, and how they would suffer. I thought about who would raise them. I thought of my sister, and how she wouldn’t forgive me. I thought of my family and how it would destroy them. I thought of my dad, who had died too young and all he had missed out on. I thought of my grandkids, and what they would know of me. I thought of God and if he would forgive me.

By the time I had finished my thoughts I was past the bridge, and I slowly drove home turning up the radio till my car was shaking to drown out the voices.

I drive past the bridge weekly, and remember that night. Sometimes the car is filled with kids and laughter, sometimes it’s just me and the radio but I always say a little prayer for the lost soul who was there that night.

Why am I sharing this now?

Because I came from there, to here. From an overwhelming darkness where I couldn’t see any light, where death sounded better than living, and the pain was too much to bear…to my life now. Prayer, family, friends, and my kids brought me out. I BROUGHT ME OUT…I kept crawling until I could walk, when I was brought to my knees I prayed, and I never stopped trying to find me. I was covered by rubble, bruised and bloody, but I was still there hidden in the darkness.

I am sharing this because if I can do it? If I can come through to the other side? Everyone reading this can, because at the end of the day? I’m just an ordinary, nothing special, stay-at-home mom, who lives where happiness used to.

Life gets better if you give it a chance.

“You know the day destroys the night
Night divides the day
Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side, yeah

We chased our pleasures here
Dug our treasures there
But can you still recall
The time we cried
Break on through to the other side”

-Doors-

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10 Responses to Break On Through (To The Other Side)

  1. julesedison says:

    I thought what if I crash into the water and its not the end, but I end up a vegetable? I would be an even bigger burden on my children. I couldn’t do it, but boy did I want those voices to go away and the pain to be gone. Sometimes when we are all together I’m reminded of it, and it is painful. What a long journey it is to get out of the darkness. Now if I could just stay out of it permanently.

    Btw, I caught up. Phew! Great blog!

  2. Maria says:

    You’re an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your story and for your honesty.

  3. phoenix42013 says:

    Powerful thanks so much for sharing this.
    Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Sometimes I think I see a light at the end of this long road I’ve been on, but then the darkness takes over again & I know this is my life now, no matter how happy I try to be nothing will ever be the same, and that is so stinking hard to accept! I don’t mean to be a downer Kelly, I really am so happy for you! XO Joan

    • Joan I think it’s ‘easier’ because I have kids who are young and need me, they helped drag me through.

      Find something, anything to make you happy again. Writing, painting, knitting, cooking, mountain climbing, karate, plays, music, wine (just joking)…but you get my drift 🙂 you deserve to find happy again..

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Thank you Kelly, I use to enjoy so many things, but it feels like all the joy is gone! I think it would have helped me if my kids were still at home. I think I’m just having a pity me moment, it will probably be gone by morning! XO JOAN

    • worknprogress says:

      Dear Joan, don’t give up hope. Don’t let this define you. You deserve good things in life. Its ok to have a pity party every now again because lets face being cheated on stinks but you don’t want to stay there. Its no fun, and besides who are you hurting the most…YOU. Remember how fabulous you are, get that joy back and don’t let anyone take it from you. Now I have to remember to take my own advice😉

  6. RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas says:

    Four months ago, I was there too. It’s scary to think back on how willing I would have been to die. I’m happy you drove through. Hopefully, there will be a happy ending for both of us. One that doesn’t include thoughts of ending it all.

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Dear worknprogress, Thank you for your kind words of support, somedays are better than others. I’m trying to hang in there minute by minute everyday! XO Joan

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