I think I might have worded some things wrong.
My husband’s actions aren’t probably ‘road blocks’ as much as they are triggers I’m still working on. He isn’t groveling or kissing my ass (not my words, yours), and he isn’t doing it to try to make me stay. If I was going to leave I’d have done it 20, 18, 12 months ago when everything was hard and the sadness overwhelming. He knows I’m committed to trying to heal this family, him included.
Have I told him all the little ‘nice’ things he does now drives me nuts? If you have to ask that you don’t know me, I don’t hide my feelings or thoughts very well, or at all. I have told him I want him to stop, to treat me like normal, to get the Hell out of my way I’m going to get my old life back. He won’t listen, he won’t stop, and maybe he gets to win this fight…
“What the Hell are you saying Kelly? Are you saying you’re wrong?” Hey now lets not go that far, I might be slightly, a little bit to the left of the bullseye of being totally right…Fine, I could be wrong.
I am wanting him to heal, to change, to be a better man…and yet I get mad and uncomfortable at the way he goes about it. I want him to heal my way, on my time-table, and it’s not fair to him. I don’t know what it’s like to be him. I don’t know what it’s like to be labeled a “Cheater” in a small town. I don’t know what it’s like to look at my kids through his eyes. I don’t know what it’s like to be madly in love with a crazy angry lady. I imagine it’s hard, horrible in fact, and that his healing is full of ups and downs.
He wants to treat me like he should have all along, as someone who should be protected and cherished (his words, not mine). Here I am a person who has always hated fresh-cut flowers (they only die), him taking the shovel from me (I’m just as strong as you are), or having a meal made for me (please let me show you the right way to do that). I was strong-willed, and maybe a ‘little’ stubborn, I liked being independent. I feel like his affair took all the parts of me I was proud of and broke them, bent them, and scattered them to the wind.
We knock heads now because I see his help as a hindrance to my being ‘me’ again. He sees his help as a way to show me he loves me. I’m having to learn how to compromise, and to change. I have never wanted to need a man, prided myself on a “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” attitude when it came to men, being a feminist (I know stay-at-home mom and feminist? How does that work Kelly? Guess what it did).
I guess what I’m saying is an affair changes people, and I might have to accept the changes to my husband as being permanent. I have to make me peace with him treating me better (kinder?, sweeter? nicer?) than he did before. Most women wouldn’t complain about being treated like a ‘princess’ by their husband. Then of course most women don’t hate princesses and have multiple personality’s fighting in their heads. I’m going to try to let him heal his way, and do and feel as he needs to, for as long as he needs to.
Patience and being wrong, two things I’m not very good at.
“I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on”